A Flat
by Brandywine421
Summary: AU, future fic...Total Soapoperaish purging of angst.
1. One

__

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to THE OC. 

AN: This is a total soap opera type story with over the top drama to follow. Simply purging my mind of all the Angsty!Ryan. I promise to update all my other stuff soon, but when I hit 25 pages on this one, I thought I should start posting it. 

****

"A Flat"  
  
Trust In me can't trust   
I know, I don't believe it   
All my life so scarred   
what for, you can't conceive it   
Everything you fear   
I'll be, you couldn't live it   
I whisper in your ear   
so loud, why can't you hear it   
  
I'm OK   
  
All my faith is gone   
you think I couldn't find it   
Pieces falling down   
shattered, nothing behind it   
In my mind alone,   
Lost here I'm separated   
Crawl deeper in my hole   
safe here from what I hated   
  
All the demons in my head won't leave me   
I know I can hear them   
All the sacrifices made for nothing   
Don't show can't believe it   
Want to show that I'm good for something   
I can't you won't let me   
All your artificial words won't heal me   
Because you can't accept me   
  
And I hate myself   
And I hate my face   
And I hate my world   
And I hate my ways   
  
And I   
And I   
And I   
  
I'M NOT OK! I'm OK   
  
Trust In me can't trust   
I know, I don't believe in   
All my life so scarred   
what for, you can't conceive it   
Everything you fear   
I'll be, you couldn't live it   
I whisper in your ear   
why can't you feel it   
  
All the demons in my head won't leave me   
I know I can hear them   
All the sacrifices made for nothing   
Don't show can't believe in   
Want to show that I'm good for something   
I can't you won't let me   
All your artificial words won't heal me   
Because you can't accept me   
  
I don't believe it [2x]  


"You think Ryan's going to be okay?" Sandy asked Kirsten at the airport. Seth was a few feet away at the ticket counter.

"Jimmy's helping him right now, I'm sure he'll be fine. Tell Seth to call me as soon as you guys get there, okay?" Kirsten replied. 

Seth and Ryan had graduated from Harbor two months earlier and they were both going away to college. Seth had decided to follow Anna Stern to a college in New York. They hadn't dated in years but remained long distance friends. Ryan had decided to stay in California and attend UCLA. Both boys had exemplary grades in high school and Ryan had received a full scholarship to UCLA. Sandy was flying to New York to help get Seth settled and Kirsten was staying in Newport to help Ryan and to run the Newport Group.

High school had been rough on them both. Seth had dated Summer for a tumultuous year before cheating on her and ruining their relationship. Only Ryan knew the other girl's identity. Summer had spent her senior year overseas at a boarding school. Seth and Ryan had been close up to that point. Around the same time of Seth's indiscretion, Marissa, Ryan's on again-off again girlfriend started having problems again. Ryan found out that she was using drugs and that she was promiscuous behind his back, using sex like a drug. He had to break up with her. After that, Jimmy Cooper, Marissa's father came to Ryan and asked for his help rehabilitating Marissa. Ryan had agreed without discussing Jimmy's request with his foster parents. Marissa had eventually ran away from home and he had disappeared for a few days in his search for her. He finally convinced her to come home but she had flipped out and grabbed the wheel on their drive home and crashed the car. It had taken him months to recover, he had broken bones and needed physical therapy for some back problems. Marissa had suffered brain damage and was still recovering. She was having to relearn how to speak. She had said her first words since the accident a few days earlier. 

After the accident, Ryan had become more introverted than ever. He would rarely speak unless spoken to and was devastated by Marissa's condition. Sandy and Kirsten had spent a lot of time with him, trying to get him to understand that the accident was not his fault but he still blamed himself. When the Cohens found out that Jimmy had asked for his help, they had been very angry. Jimmy was apologetic and to try and make amends, he began spending lots of time with Ryan. Ryan and Jimmy would visit Marissa daily. She couldn't speak, but Jimmy was convinced that she recognized them both. 

Sandy and Kirsten had finally become content with their place in Ryan's life in the past few months. He was quiet but had started having deep conversations with them, confiding more about his history and his feelings. He was making a genuine effort to pull himself out of the depression that he had lapsed into. Despite the recent closeness between them, he would not explain why he had drifted away from Seth. He hadn't dated anyone after Marissa. Sandy and Kirsten had seen girls leaving the poolhouse at random hours of the night, but he hadn't dated anyone. It seemed that he had given up on relationships. 

Seth and Ryan rarely spoke. They had been inseparable before Marissa's accident but something had happened between them and they were no longer friends. Neither boy would discuss it, they would participate in family dinners and events but they were never alone in the same room. They weren't fighting but they avoided each other at every turn. For the past few weeks, Kirsten had found Seth lingering around the poolhouse, trying to find a way to restore their relationship but when she would ask, he would tell her that it was nothing. They hadn't mended their problems before today. Ryan hadn't wanted to accompany them to the airport, instead, he had volunteered to move into his apartment with Jimmy and Luke's help. He said that he didn't want to intrude on the Cohen's farewell to Seth. 

"Okay. So I'm all set," Seth said as he joined his parents. 

"Well, I guess we're off," Sandy smiled. Kirsten embraced Seth. 

"I'm going to miss you so much," She said, starting to cry.

"Me, too, Mom," Seth replied. He had tears in his eyes as well when he separated from her.

"We better get going…" Sandy said.

"Isn't…is Ryan coming?" Seth asked. Sandy and Kirsten fell silent. 

"He's getting moved in right now, honey," Kirsten said. "I'm heading over there as soon as you guys are settled."

"Shit…I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye," Seth said quietly.

"Seth, you guys…you guys will work everything out," Sandy started, unsure of what to say. 

Seth pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to his mother. "Will you give this to him?"

"Sure, honey. Don't worry. And call as soon as you land," Kirsten urged. She tucked the envelope into her purse. 

***** 

"Ryan? Ryan, wait…" Jimmy rushed out of the hospital room to catch up to the sandy-haired teenager.

Ryan wasn't slowing down, if anything he was walking faster. Jimmy had to run to catch him. He grabbed Ryan's arm and spun him to face him.

Ryan's face was pale and his eyes were dull with emotion. "I can't Jimmy…I can't do this anymore…"

"Ryan, she's confused, she…" Jimmy started. 

"No, Jimmy. She's not confused," Ryan said flatly. 

"Ryan, what…"

"I can't do this. I'm sorry," Ryan said. He pulled his arm from Jimmy's grasp and disappeared from the hall. 

Jimmy was stunned. He had been overjoyed when Marissa first spoke a few days earlier. She successfully said her name, her full name and had called him 'Daddy' yesterday. Today, during Ryan's regular morning visit, Marissa had looked directly in his eyes and said 'Seth'. 

Jimmy had come to love Ryan as if he was his own son. Julie lived in Paris now with his other daughter Caitlyn, and with Marissa being hospitalized, he enjoyed spending time with Ryan. He had assumed that Marissa had just been confused but he knew that there was more to it after seeing Ryan's stricken expression. 

Jimmy had filled many hours talking to Kirsten and Sandy about the rift between Ryan and Seth. Ryan wouldn't speak of it, neither of the boys would discuss it but after seeing Ryan's face today, he knew that something had happened between Marissa and Seth. He pulled out his phone and called Kirsten. 

***** 

Kirsten pulled up to Ryan's new apartment and recognized Sandy's Range Rover in the parking lot. She had gotten a call from Jimmy that hadn't explained anything but said that Ryan had left the hospital upset. She got to the apartment before Jimmy. She could see that Ryan had already unloaded the Rover so she climbed the stairs to the apartment that Ryan was letting them rent for him. 

"Ryan?" She knocked gently on the opened door to his apartment. There was no answer so she stepped inside. Ryan was sitting on the floor in the kitchen with his phone to his ear. 

"I'm sorry, Mom…I'll be there tomorrow…I promise…I love you, too…" Ryan was saying. She was startled to see a cigarette dangling from his lips. She hadn't known that he was smoking again. She was chilled suddenly as he glanced up at her and flinched at her presence. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Ryan said. He hung up the phone.

"How's Dawn?" She asked immediately. Dawn hadn't contacted Ryan until a few weeks earlier. She was in jail for prostitution and drug trafficking and Ryan had been visiting her in prison. 

"Fine. I told her last week that I was moving today but she forgot. She wants me to come see her tomorrow," Ryan answered. His voice was low and deep. 

"Jimmy called me. What happened at the hospital?" Kirsten asked. She watched as Ryan slowly got to his feet. After the accident, Ryan's movements tended to be careful and slower than his normal movements. The doctors had explained that he would always have pain due to the extensive injuries from the accident. 

"Nothing serious," Ryan muttered.

"Ryan."

"I don't want to talk about it," He said.

"When's the last time I let you get away with that?" Kirsten asked. Ryan continued to smoke as he started emptying boxes and stacking things in the cabinets of his kitchen. 

"I don't want to talk about it, Kirsten," Ryan repeated. 

Kirsten reached into her purse and pulled out the letter from Seth. "This is for you," She said.

Ryan accepted the envelope but didn't open it. He examined the outside quickly and then set it on the counter. "Thanks."

"Ryan, please," Kirsten said as he resumed putting his things away. Ryan wouldn't accept their money for college and they had to convince him to accept the apartment. Since he got the scholarship, the Cohens had wanted him to continue living with them in Newport but he wouldn't stay there. He had agreed to accept the apartment in repayment for all his help at Kirsten's company. He had a knack for architecture and had been helping her for several months. Her father had even gained respect for his work and requested that he be hired as an intern after graduation. 

"I can't talk about it, Kirsten," Ryan said slowly. 

"Talk about what?"

Ryan hesitated. 

"What, Ryan? What happened? I mean, I thought she was doing well, Jimmy said she's talking and everything…"

"She's talking," Ryan nodded. 

"So? What happened today?"

He opened his mouth to speak but lowered his eyes and closed his mouth with a slight shake of his head.

"Ryan?" She urged. 

"I can't…I can't talk about it," Ryan whispered.

"Why not?" She asked. She was getting more worried by the second. She hadn't seen Ryan this upset in months. 

"I just can't," He sighed. 

"You know you can tell me anything, Ryan. Anything at all and it won't change the way I feel…" She attempted. She wished Sandy was here. Sandy could always get through to Ryan more than she could when he would shut down emotionally. 

"I know…I know that, Kirsten, but this…I can't…"

"Jimmy said…" Kirsten started again. 

"God…it's been so long…I thought…" Ryan muttered. He covered his face as he dropped his cigarette in the sink. "I haven't wanted a cigarette in years and the first place I stopped after the hospital was the store," Ryan sighed. 

"Tell me what happened, Ryan," Kirsten said quietly.

Ryan sighed again. He leaned against the sink and she approached him and gently embraced him. He was tense but finally relaxed and returned her hug.

"Tell me, Ryan. I promise, I won't say anything. I'm worried about you and I want…"

"She said 'Seth'," Ryan whispered. 

"What?" Kirsten asked, confused. Ryan pulled away and started to pace.

"All these months, after all this…she says his name…like…like everything I tried to do for her, it didn't matter…she said his name…" Ryan muttered.

Kirsten's mind was racing with possibilities. 

"I didn't think…I never thought that they had feelings for each other…Seth said…he never said that she had feelings for him, he swore to me that it was just sex…" Ryan continued. 

Kirsten paled. Everything made sense suddenly. The rift between her two sons. Seth's secrecy regarding his breakup with Summer. Ryan's refusal to talk about the problem between him and Seth. 

"I just…I can't believe…" Ryan murmured. She went to his side and embraced him again as tears streamed down her face.

"God, Ryan, I had no idea…I'm so sorry…" She said. "You never said anything…"

"What was I supposed to say? I can't…I can't go back to see her, Kirsten. Not after today. Not after everything…" Ryan said. She released him and gently pushed him to sit down in one of the kitchen chairs. She sat on the edge of the table beside him and kept her gaze trained on him.

"Did you tell Jimmy?" Kirsten asked as she wiped her eyes. He was still pale and was trembling with pent-up emotion. She kept her hand on his arm.

"No. He doesn't need to know…"

"You've been visiting Marissa daily for months, Ryan. You can't just stop going without giving him an explanation…" Kirsten said quietly. 

Ryan sighed. They both glanced up as there was a quiet knock on the door. Jimmy Cooper stepped in, concern on his face. 

"Everything okay?" Jimmy called. "It looks like you started without me."

"Hey, Jimmy," Kirsten smiled. She glanced down at Ryan but his face was blank.

"Can I talk to you a minute?" Ryan asked. 

"Of course," Jimmy agreed immediately. He cast a worried glance at Kirsten. 

Ryan led Jimmy into the living room that was cluttered with boxes. Kirsten continued filling his cabinets from the boxes, listening silently.

"What's up, kid?" Jimmy asked. He imitated Ryan and sat down beside him on the windowsill in the living room. 

"I can't go see Marissa anymore," Ryan said quietly. 

Jimmy didn't react immediately. "Okay. Do you mind telling me what's going on?"

"I…do I have to give you a reason?" Ryan asked.

"You don't have to, Ryan…but I hope that you'd give me something. We're friends, aren't we? I mean…I hope we're friends," Jimmy said gently.

"She called me 'Seth', Jimmy," Ryan sighed. 

"She's confused, Ryan, I'm sure of it, she's just learning how to speak again and in her head, the names aren't matching up to the people…" Jimmy started.

"Jimmy," Ryan said, stopping him. 

"What?"

"She said his name," Ryan whispered. "I can't go back."

"It's just Seth, what could it possible mean?" Jimmy asked, confused.

"Last year, Jimmy, back when Marissa and I first broke up…It was because I caught them together," Ryan said slowly.

"Caught who together?" Jimmy asked. He paled as his mind caught up with his mouth. 

"I caught Marissa and Seth together. That's when I ended it," Ryan said.

"Oh. Oh my God. I didn't know…you never said…" Jimmy started.

"We didn't tell anyone. I broke it off with Marissa…I told Seth that he had to come clean with Summer and that was the end of it. Seth, Marissa and I, we didn't tell anyone," Ryan replied. "It was between us."

"Shit, Ryan. I can't believe…you helped her after all that?" Jimmy asked, startled. Kirsten stepped into the room. 

Ryan stood up immediately and both adults could sense how upset he was despite his calm expression. "What else was I supposed to do? She was so messed up, Jimmy…she wasn't thinking straight and Seth…he wasn't thinking with his brain either…" 

"Ryan," Kirsten said quietly. 

"Guys, I'm really sorry, but I think I need some time alone," Ryan said suddenly. 

"You're only on your first load, Ryan," Kirsten protested.

"I'll finish up tomorrow," Ryan replied immediately. 

"I don't know if you should be going anywhere when you're this upset…" Kirsten started.

"I'm not upset," Ryan stated.

"Shit, I'm upset," Jimmy muttered. 

"I just need to get some air," Ryan said. 

"Ryan. Will you come to the house for dinner?" Kirsten asked.

He hesitated, clearly trying to escape their questions. They all glanced up at the latest knock on the door. Luke Ward stepped in. "What's up?"

"Shit, Luke, I forgot you were coming," Ryan sighed. He slapped hands with his friend. 

"What's up, you done already? Hi, Kirsten, hey, Jimmy," Luke smiled at the parental figures. 

"Nah, just taking a break," Ryan replied.

"You all moved in?" Jimmy asked. Luke was attending UCLA in a few days on a soccer scholarship. 

"I'm staying with my mom and then if my grades are high enough, I'll be getting my own place next semester," Luke answered. He had finally soaked up the tension in the room. "What's going on?"

"I need to get out of here," Ryan said quietly. 

"Oh. Okay. My truck's downstairs," Luke said immediately. 

Luke had become Ryan's closest friend in the past few months. He had managed to get Ryan out of the house after his accident and they had bonded and spent a lot of time at a local club where Luke performed on his guitar some nights. The two boys had developed an almost nonverbal way of communicating. Luke could read Ryan's expressions better than anyone else and didn't ask for explanations like the Cohens. Kirsten and Sandy had welcomed Luke into their extended family and even though he had a tendency for violence and would bring Ryan home a few times a month with bruises when their testosterone couldn't avoid a fight, they respected him.

"Ryan. I want you to come by the house for dinner. You can't make me stay there all alone with Sandy out of town," Kirsten said.

"That's not fair," Ryan replied. "But I'll call you. I'll call you both. Now get out," Ryan smiled nervously at them.

Kirsten and Jimmy reluctantly followed them to the parking lot. Ryan stopped beside Kirsten's car. 

"Can I ask you not to say anything?" Ryan asked quietly.

"Ryan…I have to tell Sandy."

Ryan nodded. "But not Seth. This…stuff that happened. It's between Seth and I. I hope you guys will respect our privacy."

Kirsten and Jimmy were chilled.

"Ryan…honey…" Kirsten began. 

Ryan was calm now. "Kirsten, I'll come by for dinner and Jimmy, we can watch the game tomorrow afternoon, okay?" But now, I've going with Luke."

*****


	2. Two

Luke hadn't questioned Ryan for the first hour they were at the bar. He respected Ryan's silence but his friend's intensity was too much for him. He was worried.

"Ryan."

Ryan glanced up from his fourth Jack and Coke. "Yeah?"

"What's up?"

"Nothing."

"You're drinking."

"So?"

"You don't drink."

Ryan raised his eyebrows. "Oh. Yeah. Sorry."

"Dude. What is it?"

"Did you know Marissa's talking again?" Ryan asked after a long pause. He lit a cigarette. Luke had never seen him smoke.

"Yeah. Jimmy told me," Luke replied.

"Yeah. So I don't know what to think right now and I just feel like drinking," Ryan shrugged.

"Did she talk to you? Like, can she form sentences?"

"She…she called me by someone else's name," Ryan said. He inhaled deeply from his cigarette.

"Who? My name? One of those random guys she was fucking?" Luke asked. He waited for a reaction from Ryan. "Ryan?"

"She called me 'Seth'," Ryan whispered.

Luke froze. He had never asked what had caused the falling out between Ryan and Seth but he'd never considered Marissa as an issue. "Liar. Seth…he didn't…Seth and Marissa…"

"She looked in my face and said his fucking name…" Ryan murmured.

"Are you sure, Ry?"

"About her and Seth? Yeah. I caught them," Ryan said. "That's why I broke up with Marissa the last time."

"Shit, dude…I never thought…I just thought that whatever was between you and Seth, that you guys would get over it…"

"I am over it…I just haven't told Seth that yet…Damn, I don't know, Luke…but it fucking killed me when she said that…" Ryan muttered. He drained his drink and held two fingers up for the bartender. 

"You caught them, Ryan? Where? When?" Luke asked, still stunned.

"In my bed in the poolhouse. Kirsten made me stay in the guestroom that night 'cause I had taken that beating with you after the soccer game and I had walked out to get a change of clothes. I caught them…" Ryan hesitated. "It wasn't the first time they'd been together…they admitted it all to me right there."

"You should've kicked his ass," Luke said.

"I'm over it. But I can't go see Marissa anymore," Ryan said.

"God, dude, I'm sorry," Luke said. 

"Can you do me a favor?"

"I'll try."

"Get me drunk and drive me home," Ryan said. The bartender set two drinks in front of him.

***** 

"Dad. I want to talk to you about something," Seth said to Sandy.

"Okay. That's what I'm here for," Sandy smiled. They were having dinner before Sandy's flight that was leaving later that night. Seth had been successfully moved into the apartment he was sharing with Anna.

"So. I wrote Ryan a letter. It basically said that I was going to…come clean. I need to tell you what happened, Dad, because I need you to help me get Ryan to forgive me. I…it's all my fault and I miss him so much…" Seth started.

"Seth, wait, slow down," Sandy urged. "It's okay."

"No, it's not okay. I hurt him, Dad. I betrayed him and nothing I do can make it up to him."

"Tell me what happened," Sandy said.

"I slept with Marissa," Seth said quickly.

"Seth." Sandy was stunned.

"It was stupid. I can't explain it…I have no excuse…Marissa was just…she was just sick…it was like she got off on it and I…I just couldn't resist her…"

"And Ryan found out?"

"He caught us," Seth whispered. "And…and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…I was selfish and I betrayed him…I'll never forget that look on his face when he walked in…"

"I don't know what to say, Seth," Sandy sighed. His cell phone rang and he answered it, recognizing Kirsten's number. "Hello?"

"Hey. I need a parental conference."

"Me, too. What's up on your end?"

"Ryan got upset at the hospital today and basically ran away from me and Jimmy at his apartment today. I made him promise to come to dinner but Luke just called and said that Ryan's too drunk to come over…"

"He's drunk? What upset him? His mom?" Sandy asked. He was preoccupied with Seth's confession.

"No. Marissa called him Seth," Kirsten said. "Don't say anything to Seth, Ryan made me promise but he said that Seth and Marissa…"

"Seth just told me, Kirsten. About what happened," Sandy sighed, chilled by his wife's words. 

"Should I go over there? I mean, Luke's with him, but I don't…I should go, shouldn't I, Sandy? I don't want him to pull away again, not after we've finally gotten through to him…" Kirsten asked. 

"Is Luke staying with him?" Sandy asked, not meeting Seth's concerned gaze.

"He said he was. I asked him to bring Ryan here, but he wouldn't…"

"Well, he's not going to talk to you tonight, Kirsten, maybe just give him some time."

"Time?"

"Take him breakfast, Kirsten. Make him come with you to pick me up from the airport," Sandy said.

"Okay. How's Seth?" Kirsten asked.

"He's fine. We're in the middle of dinner," Sandy said.

"Everything okay?"

"Fine. Do you want to talk to him?"

"Tell him that I'll call him later, I don't want to interrupt your dinner any further. Love you," She added.

"Bye." Sandy closed his phone with a click.

"What happened? Is Ryan okay?" Seth asked immediately. 

"Well, he's a little upset," Sandy sighed. 

"Why? What happened? You said he was drunk and Ryan, he doesn't drink," Seth said immediately. 

"Marissa…she's getting better. She said her first words a few days ago. Today she called Ryan by your name," Sandy said seriously.

"Oh shit…why would she do that? God, Dad, there was nothing between us, I swear, it was just sex…"

"It doesn't matter. Not now, Seth. I'm just sorry that all of this happened. I'm sorry that you couldn't control yourself and I'm sorry that Ryan got mixed up with Marissa in the first place," Sandy sighed. "I even encouraged him to go after her…"

"We all did. But I don't think anyone knew how sick she really was. Not even Ryan," Seth said quietly. "I would do anything to fix this if I could."

"You're going to have to talk to Ryan."

"I've been trying. He wouldn't come near me and I didn't want to bring it up in front of you guys until I warned him…god, Dad…I don't know what to do, I thought if I just gave him enough space that we could…"

"I don't know what to say, Seth. I wish you had talked to him before you left," Sandy admitted.

"I tried…"

"I'm sure you did, Seth, but this…" Sandy shook his head sadly. 

"I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me, too."

***** 

Kirsten arrived at Ryan's apartment two hours before she was slated to pick Sandy up from the airport. The Range Rover had appeared in the driveway overnight and a scrawled note apologizing for missing dinner. Ryan's car was gone from the Cohen driveway where it had been parked previously. She knocked on Ryan's door but there was no answer. She left a note on his door and remembered that he had promised to visit his mother. Instead of waiting, she returned home.

Ryan was at the gym. He had apologized to Luke the night before and sent him home. The night of drinking had not helped quell his building depression. He should be elated. He never expected to go to college or have people that cared about him. Even with all the drama that had come from his relocation to Newport, the Cohens had become his family. For once, he felt like he really had a support system.

He still felt like he was drowning. After the accident, he hadn't felt the same. It was like his body was betraying him. The one thing he could always depend on was his health, he took care of himself, he worked out and kept in shape. It took him six weeks after the accident before he could even walk without crutches. Now, he would ignore his pain and go to the gym at least five days a week. He had taken up boxing and was the champion in this gym. His face was swollen from two back to back matches this morning. Whenever he would come into the gym, he would be asked to box. One of the trainers had even offered him a job helping out some of the weaker fighters. 

"Ryan? I think you should slow down a little," A voice said from behind him.

"What?" Ryan wiped the sweat from his face as he stopped pounding the punching bag. He turned and recognized one of the trainers that he knew well, Steve.

"Dude, if that bag was a man, he'd be dead already. Let me see your hands," Steve said. Ryan held out his hands, unsure of what Steve was getting at. Steve pulled the tape off Ryan's hands and revealed his swollen, bruised fingers.

"Damn," Ryan muttered as the pain in his hands finally affected him. He pulled his hands away and clenched his fists, trying to dull his pain sensors.

"Everything okay?" Steve asked quietly.

"Yeah, I just overdid it a little," Ryan replied. 

"Are you sure everything's okay?"

"Yeah, Steve, thanks. I'm going to get out of here," Ryan said, heading for the showers.

Well, drinking hadn't helped. Taking his frustration out on the punching bag hadn't helped. Maybe he should try drinking again. Ryan changed his clothes and left the locker room, heading for his car.

"Oh shit, Ryan? Is that you?"

Ryan turned, not recognizing the voice immediately. He was blinded as a flurry of black hair slammed into him, hugging him.

"Summer?" Ryan asked when she looked up at him and stepped back.

"What happened to you?" She looked great even though she was wearing her gym clothes. Her brown eyes were sparkling with worry.

"Boxing," Ryan said immediately as she put her fingers on his bruised face.

"I should have known that would be your sport of choice. What are you doing here?"

"I'm starting UCLA in a week and…"

"Me, too!" Summer smiled. 

"When did you get back?" Ryan asked. 

"Yesterday. My dad's springing for an apartment a few blocks away and I kind of got athletic when I was in Europe. My ex, he was a fitness nut, the bastard," Summer said animatedly. Ryan smiled despite himself.

"You look great," Ryan said honestly. Her hair was longer and he flipped it playfully with his swollen hand.

"I wish I could say the same, Chino. You're skinny and you need a haircut," She grinned but gave him another impulsive hug. 

"You in a hurry?" Ryan asked. 

"Not really, why?" She narrowed her eyes. 

"I thought maybe you'd want to catch up," Ryan shrugged.

"You're not busy?" Summer asked, surprised. "I figured you'd be rushing over to Marissa's or the Cohens…"

"A lot happened while you were gone, Summer. Seth's starting school in New York next week and I've got an apartment around the corner…

"What about Marissa?" Summer asked quietly, clearly surprised.

"She…there was an accident. She's in a private wing of the hospital…" Ryan started. 

Summer gasped, covering her mouth. "Coop?" Ryan steadied her with a hand on her shoulder. 

"It's a really long story, Summer," Ryan said after a short pause. His cellular phone vibrated in his pocket again. It'd been buzzing all morning but he didn't want to talk to anyone. Luke was worried about him. Kirsten was worried about him. Sandy was probably freaking out after hearing from Kirsten. He didn't feel like being under their microscope yet so he hadn't answered his phone yet. He still had to go visit his mother, finish moving out of the poolhouse, make an appearance at the Newport Group to go over some schematics and settle everything with Kirsten and Jimmy. 

"You're vibrating. You're not going to get that?" Summer was watching him, curiously. 

"Nah. I actually should get going…"

"I thought we were going to catch up," Summer replied, amused.

"That was before I remembered all the shit I have to do…" Ryan said honestly. 

"Well, I'm going to go work out but I'm totally free later for the catching up. Can I give you my number?" Summer asked.

"Sure, Summer. It's nice to have another friend around," Ryan said. 

"You're still not the social butterfly, I take it?" Summer joked.

"Nah., not yet anyway," Ryan said. He took her number and handed her his phone number in return. His phone started to vibrate again. 

"You better go before your pocket explodes," She laughed.

"Give me a call, Summer," Ryan said. He gave her a quick hug before they waved goodbye.

***** 

Summer had finished her workout and was toweling her wet hair after her shower when she collided with the tall man in the hallway outside the locker rooms. 

"Oh, god, I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention…" Summer started.

"Summer?" Luke recognized her when she looked up at him.

"If I had known it was you, I wouldn't have apologized," She smirked. Luke picked her up in a huge hug and spun her around. 

"It's damn good to see you, girl," Luke smiled.

"I ran into Ryan earlier…"

"You did? Is he still here?" Luke asked, sobering immediately.

"No, he said he had a lot of errands to run…" Summer said. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, sure, fine, but Ryan's…I'm looking for him. He's kind of upset…" Luke admitted.

"He didn't seem upset to me, bruised but that's Chino's favorite look from what I recall," Summer said. 

"Kirsten and Sandy are freaking out," Luke added with a sigh. "I was hoping he'd still be here…"

"His phone kept buzzing but he wasn't answering it. What's going on?" Summer asked.

"It's…it's nothing to worry about…"

"And that's why you're so worried?" Summer tilted her head at him. "Come on, walk me to my car and tell me what's going on."

Luke let Summer link arms with him and they walked toward her car. "Never took you for the sporty type," Luke smiled.

"Yeah, me either. But it's a great way to relieve stress and god knows I'm like a stress magnet," She replied.

"Ryan and I are starting at UCLA next week," Luke said.

"You're going, too? That's great, it'll be nice to know a few people on campus. Where are you staying?"

"God, my mom's making me live at home for a semester but Ryan's got a pull out couch that I'll probably be taking full advantage of," Luke replied.

"How's your mom?"

"She's fine. Remarried to this rich banker, Harry. He's nice though," Luke shrugged.

"And your dad?"

"Fine," Luke replied. "He's been with this guy, Danny, for about a year now. He's nice, too."

"Good, Luke. I'm glad to hear it. Ryan said that Marissa's in the hospital. That there was an accident. Mind filling me in?"

Luke stood beside her as she leaned against her convertible. "God, Summer, its such a mess."

"What? Tell me," Summer urged, concerned. 

"Well, you know that Ryan and Marissa broke up because she was fucking around on him," Luke began. 

"Marissa was cheating on Chino?" Summer asked, surprised. "God, I didn't expect that."

"She had a lot of problems," Luke said slowly, gauging her reaction. "Anyway, after that, she started using drugs and drinking and sleeping around. Ryan stayed away from her. Then her dad, Jimmy, came to Ryan and asked if he could help get her some help. Of course, Ryan agreed, the stupid bastard, and started trying to help her again. She ended up disappearing and Ryan went after her and convinced her to come home. She freaked out and ended up crashing the car. It took Ryan months to recover, he was really hurt, he's lucky to be alive, honestly but Marissa…she suffered brain damage. She's been in the hospital ever since and she's having to relearn everything, how to talk, how to feed herself, everything…"

"Oh god…poor Coop…poor Chino, that's so awful…" Summer said, stricken by Luke's story. 

"Yeah, it totally sucks," Luke agreed.

"But Ryan, he looked like he was fine, I mean, he said that he was boxing and…"

"He's recovered now, mostly. I mean, I can tell that he's still in a lot of pain sometimes but you know how he is, he thinks he's tough," Luke explained. "He hasn't been the same since it happened. He got quieter, if you can believe that," Luke smiled. 

"How's Jimmy taking it?" Summer asked.

"He goes to see her every day. Ryan usually goes with him but…"

"Ryan still goes to see her?" Summer gasped. "After all that?"

"Well, until yesterday…"

"What happened yesterday?" Summer asked. 

"I can't talk about it, but Ryan…he won't be going to see her anymore. I know he's upset but he's fucking avoiding everyone and last night he got wasted…"

"He doesn't drink," Summer interrupted. "It must be pretty bad if it made him drink."

"Exactly. So I'm worried about him…"

"Now I'm worried, too. Can I help you look for him?" Summer offered. 

"Sure, Summer. You want to take your car or my truck?" Luke asked.

"I'll drive," Summer said immediately. "I remember your driving all too well."

***** 

Ryan walked out of the prison and immediately lit a cigarette. It figured that it would take incarceration for his mom to actually want to be a part of his life. She was desperate for his company now that she was locked up. If he missed a visitation, she would call him every chance she got to make sure he hadn't abandoned her. It was exhausting for him to see her. He didn't want to bring her down while she was in jail, but accepting her constant apologies and listening to her excuses for her behavior wore him out every visit. 

He was tired. He hadn't eaten yesterday and his hangover wasn't making food appetizing to him. His fingers had swollen up now and he couldn't hold a pen because of the damage. He got into his car and glanced at his blinking cell phone before starting his short drive to the Newport Group.

Ryan liked his work and was good at it. Kirsten had caught him examining one of her blueprints for a model home after his accident and after a short discussion, realized that he had a real talent for architecture. To keep him busy, she started letting him help her with her work at the Newport Group. Within a few weeks, she didn't know how she'd survived without his input. Ryan had never gotten along with Kirsten's father, Caleb, but the man had developed a respect for Ryan after seeing his work and had started making an effort to connect with him. Caleb finally seemed to accept that Ryan was a part of his daughter's family. Ryan hadn't reciprocated yet, but he was impressed with Caleb's offer of an internship. Ryan ended up spending a lot of time at the main office and most people assumed that he was already working for Caleb and Kirsten, they took his orders without question despite his age. 

Ryan tried to push his latest meeting with his mother to the back of his mind. He was too preoccupied to try and deal with all the unresolved feelings that he had with his mother. He knew that it was only a matter of time before he had to face Kirsten and probably Sandy, if he was back from New York, so he was looking forward to going to the Newport Group to focus on work for a while before dealing with them.

He parked his car and locked it before turning to start toward the building.

"Your parents are looking for you," A voice said as he walked into the lobby. Ryan jumped, startled.

"Excuse me?" Ryan turned and recognized Caleb.

"Kiki's frantic with worry. Did you lose your cell phone in the fight you just came from?" Caleb's face was unreadable but his voice was low and serious. He put his hand on Ryan's back and led him to the elevator.

"I went to the gym this morning and got bruised up when I was boxing," Ryan said quietly, letting the older man push the button for the eighth floor. Ryan's work was on the ground floor so he knew that Caleb was leading him toward his office..

"Boxing?" Caleb asked surprised. "I didn't know you were into boxing…"

Ryan met his gaze evenly. He had stopped being afraid of Caleb's disapproval after the accident. "I always could take a punch, it was bound to happen eventually."

Caleb looked away first as the elevator stopped. Ryan followed him into his expansive office. "I'm going to call Kiki and tell her you're here…"

"I can call her, I'm heading over there right after this…" Ryan started.

"Have a seat, Ryan," Caleb said as he sat down behind his desk. 

Ryan hesitated but sat down. He was too tired for this.

Caleb pushed a button on his phone and after a beat, a voice replied, "Yes, Mr. Nichols?"

"Could you bring me a couple of ice packs, Linda? My grandson needs to ice down his hands," Caleb said to his secretary over the intercom.

Ryan was surprised. He opened his mouth to protest but Caleb gave him a silencing look. Ryan sighed. 

"You have to start taking better care of yourself," Caleb said as he dialed another number.

"Kirsten Cohen," The voice said over the speakerphone.

"Ryan's with me, Kiki. He came in to do some work," Caleb stated calmly.

Kirsten sighed in relief. "Thanks, Dad."

"Sorry, Kirsten," Ryan said, knowing that she would hear him.

"You worried me. I'm glad you're okay. Are you coming home?"

"As soon as I'm done here, I promise," Ryan said. 

"Thanks, Dad. For calling."

Caleb said goodbye to his daughter as his secretary walked in with two small icepacks. She gave Ryan a sympathetic smile as he accepted them and she exited. 

"I'm going to…" Ryan said as he started to get up.

"Sit," Caleb interrupted.

Ryan obeyed because he was too tired to argue.

"You have to start taking care of yourself, Ryan. You've had a rough couple of years but things are finally turning around for you…" Caleb started. "You're enrolled in college. You've got an impressive work history here at the Newport Group. You've got a family that cares about you and…"

"I know, Mr. Nichols…"

"Caleb," He replied.

Ryan met his gaze. The ice was numbing his throbbing hands.

"What happened to your hands? It didn't happen boxing unless you forgot the gloves…" Caleb muttered.

"I got a little…out of control with the punching bag…" Ryan said quietly.

"You've got a lot on your mind. I can see that. You don't need some old man pestering you. But I'm not just any old man, I'm…"

"Mr. Nichols?" Ryan interrupted.

Caleb glared at him.

"Cut to the chase," Ryan said quietly.

"Is there anything I can do to help you?" Caleb asked. 

"What?" Ryan was stunned. Caleb had made no secret of his dislike to Ryan up until the past few months. Even with Caleb's recent change of heart, this was a huge thing.

"You heard me. I am worried about you." He paused. "It's funny. I was never around my own children enough to be able to see when they needed help." Caleb met his confused gaze. "You're a good boy. You're quiet and polite and you know what you're doing. You take care of your own and I respect that. You've helped me reconnect with my daughters."

Ryan was silent. His mind was trying to process Caleb's words.

"You look like hell. Kiki and Sandy aren't saying anything and you never say anything…"

"I don't really know what to say," Ryan replied.

"You're starting college in a week. You're on your own again and I have no doubt that you're going to excel just like you did in high school. But I'm worried about you and I'd like to help."

"I appreciate your concern but I'm fine," Ryan said.

Caleb watched him carefully.

"I had a bad day yesterday…" Ryan said slowly.

"It shows," Caleb said seriously.

"Thanks," Ryan smiled.

"Don't worry about whatever you're working on, it can wait," Caleb said. "Let me take you home."

"I can make it."

"Ease an old man's mind. Let me drive you," Caleb said.

Ryan sighed. The ice packs had started to drip. 

"Come on. Relax. I'm not going to bite you," Caleb said, standing up.

"Thank god," Ryan muttered with a straight face.

***** 


	3. Three

***** 

Luke closed his phone as Summer looked at him expectantly.

"Ryan's on his way to the Cohens."

"Is that a good thing?" Summer asked.

"Caleb's bringing him."

"Ooh. That's not so good," Summer smiled.

"Mr. Nichols has apparently had a change of heart. He's been super nice lately according to Ryan," Luke explained.

"You and Ryan, you guys must be tight," Summer said.

"He hasn't really had anyone else. Him and Seth…they're not cool."

"What? They were like best friends," Summer said.

"He doesn't talk about it. They don't talk."

"God, when he said things had changed, I had no idea."

"Europe treated you well, Summer…" Luke smiled.

"God, Luke, I wasted the whole time on some prick that cheated on me…" Summer glanced at him with a smile. "Sorry, no offense."

"Hey, I'm older and wiser now. So you want to come by the Cohens?"

"Nah, that's okay. I should go finish unpacking. I've got Ryan's number so I'll give you guys a call later."

"Cool."

***** 

Caleb parked his Mercedes behind Sandy's car and turned to Ryan. "You've got a lot of people that care about you. You don't have anything to fear…"

"I know, Mr. Nichols," Ryan said honestly. "Let's go inside."

Caleb didn't reply as Ryan stepped out of the car.

"There you are…" Sandy pulled Ryan into a hug as he entered the kitchen.

"Hey, Sandy. How was your flight?" He hugged Kirsten. When he pulled away, she probed his bruised face.

"Long," Sandy answered.

"Boxing again, Ryan?" Kirsten asked.

""I was off my game today," Ryan said.

"You should see the boy's hands," Caleb announced, walking in.

"Caleb. Thanks for finding Ryan," Sandy acknowledged.

"Oh honey, your poor hands…" Kirsten gasped.

"I'm fine. Kirsten. I'm fine, I promise," Ryan said, serious. 

"You didn't show up for dinner last night and then Luke called…"

"Luke called?" Ryan asked surprised.

"He was worried about you," Kirsten replied. "You would've done the same thing for him."

"I should've called, I just got…distracted," Ryan said.

"Are you okay? Where have you been?" Sandy asked.

"I went by the gym and then to the jail and then Caleb kidnapped me before I could take a look at the plans for the new stadium," Ryan said.

"How's Dawn? Really?" Sandy asked.

"She's okay." Ryan lowered his gaze automatically. He still had problems talking to the Cohens about his real family.

"Dad, would you like some lunch?" Kirsten offered, obviously changing the subject.

"No, I have a business lunch at one. I should go. Take care, Ryan."

"Mr. Nichols," Ryan nodded.

Caleb glared at him. "It's Caleb."

Kirsten and Sandy were both clearly surprised.

"I know," Ryan smiled slightly. Caleb left.

"Okay, now I'm really worried," Sandy said. "Was Caleb being civil to you?"

"He said he's worried about me," Ryan shrugged.

"Wow," Kirsten said, still startled.

"It was really strange," Ryan admitted.

"Have you eaten?" Kirsten said after a short pause.

"I'm not really hungry…"

"I'll go get Rosa. She'll make you something," Kirsten replied immediately, leaving the kitchen.

"So, kid. Sit down. Let's talk," Sandy said, patting the stool beside him.

"Do we have to? Since I'm officially stranded here with no car?" Ryan sighed, sitting down.

"Yes."

"Seth's all moved in?" Ryan asked.

"Yep. He had two suitcases that were nothing but CD's. I had no idea," Sandy said. Ryan smiled. "He said he wrote you a letter."

"Shit, I haven't even read it," Ryan realized. 

"It was warning you that he was going to tell us. About Marissa."

Ryan nodded almost imperceptibly. "So."

"So. Why didn't you tell us?"

"Why would I tell you something like that, Sandy? It had nothing to do with you or Kirsten…"

"It had to do with you and Seth. My kids…"

"Okay, Sandy, now you know. What are you going to do about it? Can you fix it? Can you change anything?" Ryan snapped.

"Ryan…" Sandy said gently.

"Marissa played me. She did everything she could to hurt me, Sandy and I'm not ready to open up those wounds again, I won't, I can't…" Ryan spoke quietly. "But Seth…he wouldn't have done it if he had known…if I had told him…"

"What are you talking about?" Sandy asked, confused.

Ryan shook his head.

"Ryan, please."

Ryan was quiet for a long moment. Intense. His words were barely audible. "Marissa was mean. Before I actually caught her in the act, she had…changed. The things she'd say, to bring me down…to make me think I was failing, that I was worthless…God, she totally mindfucked me…and to find her with Seth…it was like I'd lost everything all over again…"

"I am so sorry, Ryan…" Sandy said.

"After all this time…going to see her…helping Jimmy take care of her…she said the one thing that she knew would totally fuck my head up again…" Ryan whispered.

"What about Seth, Ryan? Are you going to be able to get past this?" 

"I've been past it, I think. He's…he's family. I mean, the way I figure it, my mom is a bitch but I still go see her every day." Ryan wouldn't meet Sandy's gaze and he had his hands clenched tightly.

Sandy glanced at his clenched fists. "Doesn't that hurt?"

"It's been a long time since I let myself feel anything," Ryan muttered.

"Ryan?" Sandy called, worried.

"Sorry. Do you think we could skip lunch and finish moving my stuff?" Ryan hardened his eyes and steadied himself. 

"When's the last time you ate something?" Sandy asked seriously.

Ryan hesitated.

"You get upset, you don't eat. That's one thing I've learned about you," Sandy grinned. "We'll eat and then move."

***** 

Ryan returned all his phone calls and invited Jimmy and Luke over to his apartment to watch football. Sandy and Kirsten joined them.

Ryan's phone rang at halftime. "Hello?"

"Hey, Chino. What's up?"

"Not much. I'm entertaining at my new apartment. Luke, the Cohens and Jimmy are over."

"Damn, Ryan, you're finally out of the house and you're still hanging out with the parents?" Summer joked.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Are you okay? I ran into Luke earlier and helped him look for you."

"Really? Any luck?" Ryan smiled.

"Fuck you," Summer laughed. "So, can I come join you?"

"Of course." He gave her the address. "And Luke's playing later so I have to go be his bodyguard against all the groupies," Ryan added.

"I have got to see that. Are you sure it's okay if I come over?" Summer asked.

"Yes, Summer. But we're watching football…"

"Eww…"

"So it's at your own risk," Ryan laughed.

***** 

Later, Kirsten and Summer were avoiding the testosterone and were decorating Ryan's bedroom with his reluctant permission. 

Sandy, Jimmy and Luke were engrossed in the game as it went into overtime. 

Ryan was on the balcony of his apartment with Seth's letter in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He was trying to prepare himself for reading the letter. His hands were shaking. 

__

"Hey bro. I can still call you that, right? Right. Sorry. Yeah, so, I fucked up. I can't give you any excuse for what I did. Sleeping with Marissa might have been forgivable but avoiding you for the past year isn't. I know it was a 2-way street but it was my mistake and I should've been a man and took the rap. The thing with Marissa, I can't explain it. It was surreal. I knew you'd been upset, I knew you were having a hard time, but you wouldn't say why. I guess I never asked, I was too caught up in my own life. I let Marissa use me to hurt you. I didn't know what she was doing at first, but after it kept happening, I knew. But I still didn't come to you. Even now, I'm punking out and writing you a letter, but, man, you have to know how sorry I am. I'm going to tell Mom and Dad about what I did to you. I'm going to find Summer and tell her, too. I 'm going to come clean because I can't keep avoiding my best friend. I can't go on without my brother. I don't care if you hate me, I just need you to be in my life. I just need you to talk to me or just sit there, anything, Ryan, but I need you in my life. I fucked up and I need to make it right. I need to prove to you and myself that I'm better than what I did to you. That I can be the brother you deserve. I'm only going to NYU to give you the time you need to forgive me and so I can try and fix whatever's wrong with me that made me hurt you. I'm transferring to UCLA next semester. I've given this a lot of thought and I can't see any other way out. I need you to forgive me. Please. I know I don't deserve it, I was never there for you like you were there for me. I've never had a brother before, it's always been all about me and I'm selfish. I took you for granted. You are the best, most noble person I've ever met and I betrayed you. I'm sorry. Please, Ryan. Please give me another chance. –Seth.

"What's wrong?" Summer's voice startled Ryan and he dropped his smoldering cigarette. "I thought you didn't smoke anymore, Kirsten's going to…what?" 

"I don't smoke. You're imagining things," He said innocently, stepping on it immediately.

"What's wrong?" She asked, seeing past his expression and recognizing the emotion in his eyes. 

"Nothing," Ryan said automatically.

"Liar. Do you want me to get Kirsten?" Summer threatened, worried.

"No, Summer. Please." 

Something in his voice made her realize that he was more upset that she had expected. He was shaking. She'd never seen him visibly upset before. Summer had always considered him a rock, not exactly emotionless, but someone that could handle pressure and stress without breaking down. Seeing him so vulnerable, she thought that he was already broken. 

"What is it? What happened? I mean, we were inside the whole time…" Summer said, approaching him. 

"It's nothing. I just need a minute," Ryan whispered, turning his back and leaning against the balcony. 

"Come on, Chino. I thought we were friends…"

"I can't talk about it…I'm tired of talking…"

"Okay, no talking. What else?" Summer offered. She put her hand on his back and joined him by the edge. She watched as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He visibly steadied himself and stopped shaking. His posture straightened and when he opened his eyes, Summer was startled by his composure. She couldn't even tell that he was upset.

"So. Is my room officially acceptable?" Ryan asked.

"Whoa. What just happened?" Summer replied.

"What?"

"You…you were upset and you just…"

"I'm not upset. It's nothing. Let's go inside." He turned and saw Luke watching them, curiously.

"What's going on?" Luke asked. 

"Nothing," Ryan said, walking past him.

Summer gave Luke a worried look. "Something's really wrong," She said quietly.

"I'll get it out of him later," Luke promised. 

***** 

***** 

Kirsten, Sandy and Jimmy ate dinner with Summer, Luke and Ryan before leaving. Ryan managed to avoid any uncomfortable conversations by keeping his demeanor controlled and stable. Seth's letter had thrown him. Marissa's words the day before had thrown him, but Seth's letter had knocked him down. His emotions were so unsettled that he thought he might burst into tears if anyone else asked him what was wrong. Ryan had to keep his mask on. He was fine. Everything was under control. He was fine.

"Ryan? Are you almost ready? Luke's pacing again," Summer called through the bedroom door.

Ryan had decided to change clothes before heading out to the club with Luke and Summer but he really just needed a moment to himself. He was wearing faded jeans that Kirsten had told him were fashionable again and a tight long-sleeved black shirt that was on top inside of one of his neatly arranged drawers. He ran a hand through his hair and opened the door.

"Damn, Chino, when did you get fashion? Okay, I take it back. Did you even comb your hair?" Summer teased.

"Dude, you take longer to get ready than any chick I've dated," Luke added.

"Fuck you both," Ryan smiled. "Let's go." He led the way to the parking lot. 

"So, man, are you drinking tonight? Should I drive again?" Luke asked once they were outside.

"I don't know yet," Ryan replied after a beat. He didn't want to lie to Luke. Summer and Luke glanced at each other. 

"So, dude…" Luke began.

"Don't start, Luke," Ryan said immediately. "We can have deep, introspective conversation later, after your set. I know how wound up you get before you go on and I don't want to be responsible for you fucking up tonight."

"You just don't want to talk," Summer said.

"See, even Summer can tell something's bothering you and she's been out of the country for over a year," Luke echoed.

Ryan turned around to face them, holding out his arms. "If you want me to stay home and brood, I can do that."

"No, dude, that's not what we want, we want you to say something and stop acting like something is about to drop out of the sky and crush you," Luke said. He stood in front of Ryan and they glared at each other.

"I'm driving," Summer said, stepping between them. "I thought you guys got along…"

"We do," Ryan and Luke said in unison.

"But everybody needs an ass kicking once and a while," Ryan muttered.

"Looks like you already got yours today," Luke replied.

"I haven't seen you step into the ring with me yet," Ryan countered.

"'Cause I don't want to hurt you," Luke retorted immediately. 

"Boys. Stop. Why don't you focus on your gig," Summer said, looking at Luke. "And you focus on keeping me entertained."

"You got the easy one," Ryan muttered to Luke as he got into the backseat of her convertible. 

The bar was filling up fast and there was a line to get in. Luke and Ryan were regulars and the bouncer stepped aside and let them in. The bouncer's gaze lingered on Summer's short skirt and tight shirt. Summer was relieved when Ryan put his arm around her waist and gently led her through the crowd to the booth that the owner kept reserved for the boys. 

The owner's name was Sylvia and she had a short-lived affair with Luke that ended when her husband came back unannounced. Her husband had attacked Luke and Ryan had to come to his aid after a frantic call from Sylvia. She had reconciled with her husband but remained a good friend of Luke and Ryan's. 

"This is a pretty nice place," Summer said as she slid into the booth beside Ryan. Luke sat down across from them.

"Yeah, we're here at least five nights out of the week," Luke said.

"Does everybody know your name?" Summer teased.

"Luke! Ryan! What're you drinking tonight?" The bartender yelled.

"Sorry I asked," Summer grinned.

"So, Ry…" Luke started.

"I don't need anything yet," Ryan said quietly. "I really don't feel like getting lectured."

"Fuck. I'm going to go get ready," Luke said, leaving. 

"Damn, you guys are like hot and cold…" Summer remarked.

"He's just moody before a show," Ryan muttered.

"No, he's worried about you," Summer replied. 

"Well, he shouldn't," Ryan snapped. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Repeating it over and over doesn't make it true," Summer said quietly.

Ryan wouldn't meet her worried gaze. The bartender came over and put a jack and coke in front of Ryan and a martini in front of Summer.

"Luke ordered them for you," He grinned before leaving them alone again.

"Bastard," Ryan muttered, taking a swallow of his drink. Summer was surprised that Luke remembered her drink of choice. She took a tentative sip and gave him a satisfied smile. 

"Why don't you try talking to me, Ryan? Maybe I could give you a fresh perspective," Summer offered quietly.

Ryan glanced at her. His eyes were dark and cold. And full of pain. He lowered his gaze again.

"What?"

"When you and Seth broke up…what did he tell you?" Ryan asked quietly.

"What? Damn, talk about old news, Ryan," She replied.

"It's…never mind…"

"No, I'm sorry, it's just…it took a long time for me to get over him. I mean, one day we were fine and the next day he comes up to me and says that he's been cheating on me."

"Did you know who he cheated on you with?" Ryan asked, watching her carefully.

"No. I told him that it didn't matter, that I didn't want to know…" Summer answered honestly. "What does it matter who it was with, I mean, he was **_my _**boyfriend and it was **_my_** trust that he betrayed…"

"With Marissa," Ryan murmured.

"What?" Summer asked, stricken. Ryan was silent. She put her hand on his arm. "Ryan, what did you just say?"

"Still think you can give me a fresh perspective?" Ryan asked. He finished his drink and motioned to the bartender for a refill. 

"Oh my god, Ryan…fuck…" Summer muttered, stunned. 

"So the deal is," Ryan started after his drink was refreshed, "That I had come to terms with all that. I was over my anger at Seth, I was over my anger at Marissa…I was over all of it. I'd go see Marissa, try to do what I could for Jimmy and to help her get better…and I was doing okay. I actually felt like I was coming out of the funk I went into after the accident. A couple of days ago, Marissa said her first words since the accident. Jimmy said she's been saying a couple of new words every day now." Summer was watching him, enthralled by his quiet, steady words and blank expression. "Yesterday…she looked right at me and said…"

"She called you 'Seth', didn't she?" Summer whispered as realization dawned on her face. 

He nodded.

"God, Ryan…that…that totally sucks," She said.

"I know. And now Seth's decided that he wants to make amends…after all this time, he's decided that he wants a brother again…" Ryan said slowly.

"Is that what you were reading earlier? A letter from Seth?"

He nodded. 

"Well?"

"Well, what?" Ryan responded.

"What are you going to do?" Summer asked. She watched as he finished his drink in a single swallow. 

"I don't know. It's…I don't have to **_do_** anything, you know? It's all…it's all in my head…I just…It's just too much for me to handle right now…I had to explain to Sandy and Kirsten, I had to tell Jimmy…"

Summer put an arm around his shoulders and felt him sigh heavily. "It's okay. It's hard, god, I can't imagine, but you'll get through it."

"You have an awful lot of faith in me," Ryan muttered. She leaned her head against his shoulder. She'd never thought she'd be the one to comfort Ryan. 

"Everyone does, Ryan. Look at all that you've accomplished, Chino. You're going to UCLA on a full scholarship, you're working with the king of Newport, Caleb Nichols, you've got a real set of parents for the first time probably, and you…"

"I know, Summer. But I feel like I'm coming apart," He whispered. 

She sighed. "I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do."

"I'm glad you're back. I'm sorry that I'm such a downer," Ryan said quietly, straightening up as he recomposed himself.

"You were always a downer, Chino," Summer joked. He stuck his tongue out at her, his blue eyes sparkling for the first time since she'd seen him. 

"You ever seen Luke perform before?" Ryan asked, changing the subject as he lit a cigarette.

"When did you start smoking again?" Summer asked.

"Yesterday," Ryan replied immediately.

"No, I've never seen Luke sing in public. I heard him in the bathroom a couple of times that I'd rather not mention," Summer smiled. 

"He's actually pretty amazing. You'll be surprised. His lyrics are a little lacking, but his composition and stage presence are great," Ryan said.

"I can't believe that after all the drama when you first moved here, that you and Luke are best friends and you and Seth aren't even speaking. It's like…"

"Twilight Zone, I know," Ryan sighed. He seemed to relax as he inhaled deeply from his cigarette. He realized she was staring at him when he let the smoke escape through his nostrils. "What?"

"Nothing," She said, looking away immediately.

"That's my line," Ryan smiled.

"It's just…smoking's so bad for you but…it's amazing how attractive it makes you," Summer said, blushing. 

Ryan laughed, genuinely amused. She shoved him, playfully. 

"Don't laugh at me," She scolded. 

"Why not?" Ryan asked. "I need to laugh…"

"Don't laugh at me, hey look, here comes Luke, something we can both laugh at," Summer smiled. 

"What's so funny?" Luke asked, standing by the table. Summer and Ryan were both laughing too much to answer. 

***** 


	4. Four

***** 

Luke was waiting outside of Ryan's art building when Summer approached. 

"You're taking Art?" Summer scoffed.

"Hell, no. I'm waiting for Chino," Luke replied.

"Ryan taking art?" Summer was still disbelieving. "Long time no see," She smiled, leaning against the wall with him.

"Yeah, what, since you made Ryan and I breakfast this morning?" Luke laughed. The three had become close. Luke and Ryan were amused by Summer's coarse honesty and loyalty and she enjoyed their protective and accepting attitudes. They were all mature enough to respect and accept each other. They each had argued but even after harsh words were exchanged, they were still friends.

They had been in school 2 weeks and they all had perfect attendance so far. Ryan had continued to drink socially and declared that as long as they attended all their classes that the nightly trips to the bar were acceptable. 

Ryan had been extremely busy. He only saw them in the late evening at the bar and in the early morning. After a week away from the Newport Group, Caleb and Kirsten had asked for him to return to work. The architects refused to work with Caleb and were threatening to quit. Ryan was spending his time between classes working for the Newport Group as a paid consultant. He was still visiting his mother daily but he had been avoiding Sandy, Jimmy and Kirsten. Luke and Summer couldn't get him to talk about it.

Ryan walked out with a brown folder in his hand and his backpack over his shoulder. His blue eyes were bright and confused. 

"What's up?" Luke asked. 

"I am having the weirdest day. Will you guys come to Kirsten and Sandy's with me?" 

"Sure," Summer said immediately. She wanted him to talk to the Cohens. She was worried about his state of mind. 

"Everything okay?" Luke asked. Ryan nodded but didn't verbally respond. They were used to his silence. "Kirsten always has food and I'm starving," He said after a long silence.

"You're always starving," Summer joked. She took the folder from Ryan's hand and opened it as they walked.

"It's my homework…" Ryan shrugged.

"God, Ryan, you did these? They're…they're beautiful…" She remarked, flipping through the sketches. They were intricately detailed. The few color drawings were pale and poignant and had interesting light patterns that she had never seen before. 

"My truck. It's closest," Luke said, casting a worried glance at Summer. Ryan didn't respond. He followed them. 

"Why are you taking art?" Summer asked in the truck. 

"I don't really know what I want to do with my life so I decided to take a series of classes in different focuses to see what direction I wanted to take," Ryan said quietly.

"Bullshit. He's taking Intro to Law for Sandy, Intro to Architecture for Caleb, English for Jimmy…" Luke explained.

"English?" Summer asked. 

"He thinks if I take more english classes that I'll talk more," Ryan muttered. 

"And Art for Kirsten," Luke finished.

"Why art?" Summer asked.

"She's been obsessed with it since I sketched some plans for her a few months back," Ryan replied.

"So you're going to see the Cohens today because…" Luke probed. 

Ryan shrugged. Luke and Summer shared a sigh.

"Sorry. I just don't feel like talking about it yet," He said finally.

"Okay," Luke and Summer said in unison.

"This is getting weird. You guys need a break," Ryan smiled. 

***** 

"Ryan!" Kirsten smiled widely when she opened the door. He gave her a genuine hug.

"I've got Summer and Luke with me," He said.

"They're always welcome. What do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" She asked, leading him inside. Summer and Luke waved hello on their way to the kitchen.

"I need some advice."

"About what? Is everything okay?" She was immediately concerned.

"Everything's fine…"

"Okay," Kirsten said immediately. She was so accustomed to his response that she dropped the subject, not wanting to deter him from talking. They sat down on the couch in the den.

"Well, I don't know…Listen, Kirsten, I need to apologize. I've been trying to pull myself together," Ryan said slowly. "I'm in this weird place where I really don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. I'm doing all these things because you or Sandy or Caleb want me to but…I don't know what **_I _**want, you know?"

Kirsten put an arm around him. "I'm sorry. We don't mean to pressure you…"

"I know and you totally didn't, it's all me. After I stopped going to see Marissa and Seth started calling, it's just…"

"You're talking to Seth?" Kirsten asked, surprised.

"He calls. He sends me text messages. I could tell you everything he did yesterday," Ryan said quietly.

Kirsten watched Ryan carefully. "Are **_you_** talking to him?"

"I'm trying," Ryan said quietly. "It's harder than I thought…"

"Why is it hard, Ryan? If you've really forgiven him?" She asked gently.

"Because…it's hard for me to forget about all those months when he wouldn't even look me in the face. It's hard for me to just pick up when we left off…"

"That's totally understandable," Kirsten nodded.

Ryan sighed. "Anyway. I tried to take a step back from you and Sandy, to try and reevaluate what I really want. But it hasn't helped. Putting distance between me and you guys…I think it just confused me even more."

"What's going on, Ryan?" Kirsten asked.

"Nothing earth shattering. My professors want me to drop their classes."

"What? All of them? Why?" 

"Because I'm too advanced and the courses are intro courses…" Ryan said slowly.

"All your classes…wow…" Kirsten wasn't sure how to react. 

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now," Ryan admitted. "So I brought all my papers so hopefully you and Sandy can tell me what to do."

"But, honey, it's your life, your classes…why not just go up a level?" Kirsten asked, trying to understand and to keep Ryan talking.

"It'll be harder work and I won't be prepared and mainly because…I was only taking these courses to see if I liked them, if I was interested in them and now…I don't think I like college at all…"

"You want to drop out?" Kirsten asked.

"If I already know the stuff anyway, why am I paying to go to school?" 

"You got a scholarship…"

"I just don't know if it's right for me. I'm tired…"

"What would you do? I mean…" 

"It's just a thought, Kirsten. I haven't made any decision. I wanted to talk to you and Sandy about the whole thing."

"Okay, Ryan. Sandy should be home shortly and we'll talk about it. Are you hungry? You look a little pale," She said.

"I'm okay, thanks."

**** 

Sandy and Kirsten were impressed by Ryan's work. Sandy didn't even recognize some of the cases Ryan had referenced in his first two law class assignments. Ryan decided to change his class schedule and see if he felt differently after another two weeks. They took the opportunity to inquire about his drinking and lack of rest. He assured them that he was fine and that he was just enjoying his little bit of freedom from 'parental guidance'. 

***** 

At the club that night, Ryan was quiet again. Around midnight, he leaned over to Luke and said something quietly to him. 

"No problem. I'll call you tomorrow…" Luke said to Ryan.

"Where are you going?" Summer asked. Ryan winked at her and left the booth. 

"He's going to get indisposed," Luke said. 

"What?"

Luke nodded toward the bar. 

Ryan had his arm around a very attractive woman. Summer recognized her face and knew that she'd been watching Ryan for a while. He was talking in her ear, her lips almost touching her earlobe. Summer realized that she didn't want that woman pawing on her friend. The woman's arms went around Ryan's waist and Summer looked away as she saw the woman's hands drift low to Ryan's ass.

She glanced over at Luke who was watching her, amused. 

"I thought you said he didn't date," Summer said, blushing.

"He doesn't. But he still has girls. He's a man. He has basic man needs," Luke shrugged. He gave her a sympathetic smile. "But don't worry. He respects you more than that."

"What's that mean?" Summer asked.

"He trusts you. And Ryan, well, he doesn't trust all that easily. I took a long time for him to trust me but you…he trusted you as soon as you got back here. It's like he sees something in you, Summer. I really hope you're not falling for him."

"I'm not falling for Chino, Luke," She scoffed. He raised his eyebrow. 

"I saw the way you just looked at her. Like you were about to slap the makeup off her face," Luke laughed. 

"Well, look at the way she's got her dirty little hands all over him," Summer said, glancing back at the bar. 

"Believe me, Ryan doesn't mind," Luke said, putting an arm around her. "He's a player, Summer. He makes it clear right up front that it's one night and that's it. He never gives them his number or tells them his name." Luke nodded back toward Ryan and the woman. Ryan was kissing the arch of her neck and the woman's eyes were closed. "Ryan just likes to taste," Luke added.

"I still don't know how I feel about that," Summer said honestly. "Why doesn't he date?"

"Says he doesn't know how," Luke replied. "Said the only time he tried was with Marissa and look how that turned out. And I'm pretty much like Ryan except, well, sometimes I'll take the girl out a couple of times. Chino doesn't have to do that."

"He's that good?" Summer asked.

"I wouldn't know," Luke said, shaking his head at her. 

***** 

Ryan seemed to snap out of his depression for the next few days. He spent a lot of time at the gym and studying for his new classes. He saw Kirsten and Sandy on a daily basis and made time for Jimmy. He seemed to be coping better. 

Kirsten got worried on Thursday when one of the architects came to her and explained that Ryan missed a meeting that he had arranged. Ryan was never late or absent without calling and the architects were worried. Kirsten went to his apartment and met Summer in the parking lot. 

"Ryan was supposed to meet me for coffee but he didn't show," Summer explained.

"He missed a meeting, too," Kirsten said. They shared a worried glance. 

No one answered the door but Ryan's car had been in the parking lot. Kirsten was relieved when Summer pulled out a spare key and opened the door. 

"Ryan?" Summer called as they stepped into the apartment. Kirsten went to check the kitchen while Summer started toward his bedroom.

Summer gasped when she saw him sprawled in the hallway. She fell to her knees beside him and heard Kirsten's sharp intake of breath when she joined her. 

Summer saw that Ryan was breathing but he didn't respond when she shook him. 

"I'm calling 911," Kirsten said. 

Summer couldn't find any sign of injury but he wouldn't wake up. His skin was pale but he wasn't hot, he was clammy. Summer realized that she cared about Ryan more than a friend. She wouldn't lose him. She was scared. He wouldn't wake up.

***** 

"He's severely dehydrated…" Ryan could hear voices distantly. "Doesn't appear to have been eating…weakened immune system…"

He recognized the hospital scent and opened his eyes. 

"There those beautiful blues are," Summer smiled from beside the bed.

A doctor was speaking to Kirsten, Sandy and Jimmy a few feet away from the bed. 

"What happened?" Ryan whispered, beginning to panic. He noted the IV in his hand and the bogs of fluid hanging from the stand beside the bed.

"We found you unconscious at your apartment…the doctor…"

"Ryan…" Kirsten interrupted, giving Ryan a hug with tears in her eyes. "I'm so glad you're okay…"

"I don't remember…" Ryan murmured.

"When's the last time you ate, Ryan?" Sandy asked from beside Kirsten. 

"I…I don't know…" Ryan replied honestly.

The doctor approached. "Ryan, you have to eat. Your body is shutting down."

"Honey, you're not taking care of yourself…" Kirsten said, taking his hand. 

"We're going to give you plenty of fluids and vitamins to try and replenish your body's electrolytes. Do you have any family history of an eating disorder?" The doctor asked Ryan.

"You think he's anorexic?" Jimmy asked, surprised. 

"No, guys, really…I just…I just didn't think about it," Ryan said quietly, stunned. 

"So. No history of an eating disorder?" The doctor repeated.

"No, sir," Ryan said. 

"I'll be back to talk to you more about your condition and how we can keep this from happening again," The doctor said. He left Ryan alone with his family. 

"What time is it?" Ryan asked, breaking the silence. 

"It's about six in the evening. We found you around lunchtime…"

"Fuck, I had a meeting this morning and two assignments due in class, I have to…" Ryan started to sit up. 

"Ryan, stop," Summer said. "You're exhausted. You have to rest."

"We're going to take care of everything. Caleb's handling the project…" Kirsten started.

"They won't work with Caleb," Ryan muttered.

"They will if you're sick. It's all handled. And we'll talk to your professors," Sandy said.

"I can do it…"

"You can't still think that you're okay, kid. You're in the hospital…" Jimmy said quietly. 

"I don't know what happened…" Ryan sighed. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry…" Kirsten started. The door to the room burst open and Luke Ward rushed in. 

"What happened?" 

"Relax, dude, I'm fine."

"I am going to kick your ass, Chino. What happened?" Luke turned to face Kirsten and Sandy. 

"He's exhausted and he hasn't been eating so he collapsed," Sandy told Luke.

"You stupid bastard…" Luke muttered, worry and anger on his face. He turned and walked out of the room. 

"Summer, could you go…" Ryan sighed, motioning for the door.

"I'll go. It's okay," Jimmy offered. 

"You scared the hell out of us," Summer said quietly. "You wouldn't wake up and the doctors couldn't do anything…"

"I'm sorry…"

"I'm sorry that I didn't see how sick you were…" Summer said.

"I'm not sick…"

"You're tired, Ryan. You said it yourself last week and we pushed you into it…" Kirsten started.

"You didn't push me, Kirsten…." Ryan said frustrated.

"Ryan. We want you to come home," Sandy said seriously. "Even if it's only for a few days."

"Sandy…"

"No argument, Ryan. We are really worried about you. Really, really worried," Sandy said.

Ryan sighed, affected.

The doctor returned with Caleb at his side.

"When can I get out of here?" Ryan asked.

"You won't go anywhere until the doctors clear you," Caleb said sternly.

"You didn't tell me you were Mr. Nichols' grandson…" The doctor said quietly. He was clearly intimidated. 

"Caleb, we told you that he was fine," Sandy said.

"You don't have to stay, Summer. It's only going to get worse," Ryan said. She was holding his hand and showed no sign of letting go.

"I'm not leaving until you do," Summer replied. "You really scared me."

***** 

At Caleb's insistence, Ryan stayed overnight in the hospital. Summer had went home once visiting hours were over but she met Luke outside of Ryan's apartment. Jimmy had calmed Luke down the day before.

"You still going to kick his ass?" Summer asked, putting an arm around Luke's waist.

"I'll give him a couple of days to recover," Luke smiled.

"What was that all about?" She asked.

"God, Summer…Ryan is like, a brother to me. I'm serious. He's always had my back and he's always helped me when I needed it. And it just…it's just fucks me up that he's fucking killing himself and he won't come to me, he won't say anything…he's been drifting along since the accident, he hasn't cared about anything…" His voice faded.

Summer gave Luke a reassuring hug. "You're a good friend, Luke. But we can only do so much. This is Ryan's thing."

Ryan yelled "Come in," when they knocked. They found him in the kitchen pouring liquor down the sink.

"Ryan?" Summer called, startled.

The sink was full of broken bottles. Summer and Luke were both surprised at the number of liquor bottles on Ryan's counter. Ryan didn't acknowledge them, focused on his task.

"What are you doing, dude?" Luke asked.

"Cleaning," Ryan said flatly. He didn't look at them. He grabbed another bottle and poured it's contents down the drain. Summer glanced at Luke, concerned and approached him. 

Ryan flinched when she put her hand on his back. His blue eyes were clouded when he met her gaze for a brief moment.

"Ryan, your hands…" Summer glimpsed his bloody hands now that she was at his side. 

"It's nothing…I cut it on a bottle…" He muttered, not letting her stop him. He continued to empty bottles into the sink.

"What are you doing, Ryan? Besides scaring the hell out of us, right now?" Luke asked gently.

"I'm cleaning out my life," Ryan said. "For months, I've been sitting around, waiting for things to fall into place and everything is still all fucked up. I need a clean slate." His voice is low and even. 

"Are you going to stay with the Cohens?" Summer asked.

"Sandy's coming to pick me up," Ryan replied. Luke was stricken by Ryan's cold demeanor. He stepped into the other room to call Sandy. 

"Honey, stop…" Summer urged, taking his wrists in her hands and making him look at her. 

"Why are you calling me 'honey'?" Ryan asked. She pulled him to the bathroom and made him stand with his dripping hands over the sink. She looked under the sink for a first aid kit but stopped cold. There were at least 20 unopened prescription bottles. 

"Ryan, whose drugs are these?" She pulled one out. "These are painkillers…"

"For my back," Ryan murmured.

"You…you don't take them?"

He shook his head. He seemed to snap out of his daze. He turned on the sink and began to rinse his hands of blood. "No."

"But…"

"The doctor gives them to be because of my back. And because of my migraines."

"But you don't take them…"

"No. I don't take them," Ryan said, meeting her gaze steadily. "The first aid kit is behind you."

Summer turned and spotted the kit. He took it from her hands and started bandaging his cuts. 

"Do you want me to help you?" She asked.

"I got it."

"You are determined not to let anyone help you…" Summer said quietly. 

Ryan glanced at her before returning his attention to the bandages. "You shouldn't worry about me."

"Easy for you to say," Summer snapped. "You're my friend, Ryan and I don't want to lose you…"

"I'm fine…" Ryan muttered.

"You're full of shit…" She retorted immediately. He didn't respond. "Ryan."

Summer slapped Ryan, infuriated that he wouldn't respond. She gasped when she realized what she had done. 

Ryan touched his hand to his face, as if stunned. He didn't speak but he gave Summer a sad expression as he returned his attention to wrapping his hands.

"I'm sorry," She said quietly.

Ryan smiled at her. He clenched his fists and nodded at his bandaged hands. He walked out.

"Ryan? Ryan…" Summer followed him.

"What's going on?" Luke was outside the bathroom and was worried because of Summer's cries. 

"I need to pack…" Ryan said.

"What is wrong?" Luke took Ryan by his shoulders and held him still. Ryan didn't speak but started to struggle away from Luke's grasp. 

"Ryan. What is wrong?"

"Let me go, Luke…" Ryan said.

"Ryan."

"I can't…I have to…" Ryan whispered.

"You have to chill. That's all. Relax. Will you relax?" Luke's voice was low and calming. Summer was surprised at his gentle tone and handling of Ryan. Ryan took a deep breath. A tremor ran through him and Luke released him. 

"It's just us, Ryan. It's Luke and Summer. Just relax…" Luke said.

"I am totally freaking out…" Ryan whispered suddenly.

"Just stop," Summer said quietly. She put an arm around him and he leaned into her with a heavy sigh.

"Go sit down. I'll pack," Luke said.

"I can…"

"Dude, shut up. Go sit down," Luke said.

"He's really worried about you," Summer said as she led him to the couch.

"So is everyone else it seems. That just makes it the perfect time for me to be freaking out."

"You are not freaking out. And even if you are, you've got a lot of people that care about you that are right here for whatever you need."

Ryan nodded silently. 

"Let the Cohens help you. Let me help you…"

"I shouldn't need help. You don't need help. Luke doesn't need help…" Ryan muttered.

"Sure we do, Ryan. Luke's mom won't even let him move out. And I depend on you and Luke since I don't even have a family most days. Everybody needs a little help sometimes," Summer said quietly.

"I had a lot of help already. What's wrong with me?"

Summer touched Ryan's face tenderly. "I think you've been sad too long."

Ryan gave Summer a confused look. She took her hand away and blushed. "What's up, Summer?"

"I'm worried about you, that's all."

Ryan nodded, still confused by her gentle touch. He sighed and leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes. Within minutes, he was asleep.

***** 

"Fuck, Luke. What am I going to do?" Summer was sitting in Ryan's apartment with Luke. Sandy had taken Ryan to their house. Luke was going to stay in Ryan's apartment while he was gone, mainly so if Ryan came back to his place, someone would be there. 

"About what, Summer?" Luke was eating a sandwich, but listening intently.

"God…I'm falling for Chino…"

Luke choked on a bite of sandwich and laughed. "No shit?"

"Stop it," She scolded, tossing a pillow at him. "This is serious."

"Seriously?" Luke joked. "No, I know, Summer, I'm sorry…"

"But I don't know what to do…"

"Well, I don't know Summer…I mean, do you just want to fuck him or…"Summer gave him a scalding look and he rephrased immediately. "Okay, I mean, do you just want a sexual relationship or…"

"More," Summer whispered.

"Damn, Summer. Ryan…he's not going to go for it. You know what his line's going to be, right? 'Emotionally unavailable'."

"What?" Summer asked.

"That's what Marissa pounded into his head. He always says that he won't fall in love because he's 'emotionally unavailable'. That he's incapable of love. Summer, he really thinks that he's damaged or jinxed. Between his mom and Marissa, he's been totally mindfucked," Luke said in a burst of anger.

"So. You guys have talked about this," Summer nodded. 

"Not in so many words, I mean, we're talking about Ryan here. But he's not into relationships, Summer. I mean, I think the world of you and I think you'd be great for Ryan but…"

"You don't think he's going to go for it."

"I've seen a lot of girls mess up friendships with Chino when they tried to loop him into a relationship," Luke said quietly.

"So what should I do?" Summer asked. " I mean…I care about him…"

"And he cares about you, too…I can't speak for him, Summer," Luke said finally.

"No, Luke, thanks. I'm going to snap out of it. Ryan's my friend. That's enough."

***** 


	5. Five

***** 

Ryan was sitting in the den, tapping his fingers on the table absently.

"Hey, kid. What are you doing?" Sandy asked, walking in.

"Twiddling my fucking thumbs," Ryan muttered. 

"Sounds fun."

"Thrilling."

Sandy sat down beside him. "You want to know what I think?"

"Go ahead, Sandy," Ryan sighed.

"I think you've been keeping yourself busy so you don't have to think about what's really bothering you. I think you're doing everything you can to fill the time so you don't have to face what's going on in your own head."

Ryan leaned back with a sigh. "You think?" 

"Yeah, Ryan."

"So what? What do you want me to do, Sandy?" Ryan closed his eyes. 

"Relax. Rest. I want you to slow down and start dealing with your problems."

Ryan nodded without opening his eyes.

"There's something else," Sandy said quietly.

"You're on a roll," Ryan muttered indifferently.

"Ryan."

"Sorry. I'm listening, Sandy." Ryan opened his eyes and met Sandy's gaze with dull blue eyes.

"I don't want you to visit your mother anymore."

Ryan didn't react immediately. Sandy and Kirsten had always encouraged him to have contact with his biological family. They had never pushed him to consider them his 'real family' and always had made sure Ryan put his real family first. Sandy and Kirsten always seemed to 'tiptoe' around the topic. This was the first time Sandy had ever made a declaration concerning his family. 

"I don't think seeing her is a good idea for you right now," Sandy added quietly, clearly unsure as to how Ryan would react.

"Can I ask for a little explanation?" Ryan asked calmly.

"I don't think she's good for you."

"What do you know about Dawn?" Ryan questioned evenly.

"There were messages on your answering machine…"

"You listened to my messages?"

Sandy hesitated. "I was in your apartment and when I didn't answer the phone, your machine came on and I…I heard her…"

Ryan was watching Sandy with a dark expression. He lowered his gaze. 

"No one should talk to you that way…"

"Sandy…"

"I don't want you to see her," Sandy stated before Ryan could continue.

Ryan paused, thinking. "So. Is this like a direct order?"

"I've never ordered you to do anything," Sandy replied.

"God, Sandy…" Ryan whispered.

"I've never made you choose, Ryan…I never wanted you to have to do that, I don't want to pass judgement on your family but…"

"Okay, Sandy. Just pause for me. Let me think about this…" Ryan interrupted.

"I'm just asking you not to see her…"

"And you don't think that's like…a huge thing to ask?"

"No, Ryan. She treats you…she doesn't treat you like you deserve, she doesn't respect you…"

"Stop it, Sandy, I don't want to do this with you," Ryan said quietly.

"We need to talk about this, I should've made you talk about it before…"

"Talk about what?" Ryan asked, confused.

"About your mother…"

Ryan stood up abruptly and walked out of the room. 

"Ryan…" Sandy called out, frustrated. He heard the door to the patio slam shut. 

***** 

"I hate school," Summer said to Kirsten as she followed her into the house later that day. 

"It wouldn't be school if you enjoyed it," Kirsten smiled. "Tougher than Harbor?"

"God yes. Pop quizzes and stupid term papers being due before we're even into the stupid term yet," Summer replied. "How's Ryan doing?"

"He hasn't come out of the poolhouse all day. I think he got into a fight with Sandy," Kirsten said. 

"With Sandy? God, he loves Sandy like a father, what happened?"

"I don't know. Sandy won't talk to me, he says that its nothing and Ryan…he won't say anything either. He's just…he's just lying there."

"Did you get him to eat anything?" Summer asked.

"He eats everything I take him but it's like it hurts him to eat," Kirsten replied.

"He's going to be okay, Kirsten," Summer said quietly. She gave the older lady an impulsive hug.

"You're a good friend to him, Summer. He's lucky to have you around," Kirsten smiled. 

"Thanks. I'm lucky to have him, too," Summer replied.

Kirsten offered her a bottle of juice and she accepted. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Summer hesitated. "I guess." She had always liked Seth's mother and felt comfortable talking to her. 

"I've been watching the way you are around Ryan and Luke…"

"We're friends," Summer replied. 

"I know. But lately…you really seem to get through to Ryan, Summer. He listens to you and values your opinion…but you seem to be getting a little…involved."

Summer lowered her gaze. 

"Summer? I don't want to make you uncomfortable but…maybe you should tell Ryan how you feel," Kirsten said quietly.

"I talked to Luke about it," Summer confessed. 

"And?"

"He said that he's seen a lot of Ryan's "girl" friends go down in flames when they tried to pursue a relationship with him. Luke says that Ryan won't try to have a relationship because…because Marissa and his mom fucked with his head," Summer said quietly. "He doesn't believe in dating."

Kirsten was silent. "He hasn't really dated anyone since Marissa's accident. I never really considered it an issue but…he doesn't believe in dating anymore?"

"That's the line around town," Summer sighed.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to be his friend," Summer shrugged. She turned to face Kirsten. "Why do you think I should tell him?"

"Well, I can tell that your feelings have changed. And Sandy's mentioned it, too…how long before Ryan senses it? Don't you think you should tell him what's going on before he misinterprets it?" Kirsten asked. 

"I hadn't thought about it. It's that noticeable?" Summer asked, surprised.

"You didn't let go of his hand the whole time you were at the hospital," Kirsten smiled. "You should give him a chance. Even if he doesn't think of you that way, I think you should be honest with him."

Summer nodded. "I'll think about it."

"Here, take Ryan something to eat. He'll be glad to see you," Kirsten urged. Summer saw that while they were talking, Kirsten had arranged a tray full of snacks. 

"Thanks. Thanks for the advice, Kirsten," Summer said, taking the tray.

"No problem. Ryan has added you to his extended family so you might as well get used to it. Just ask Luke," Kirsten smiled. "Sandy hasn't given him a break since he found out that Luke was a surfer."

Summer took the tray to the poolhouse and knocked quietly. She wondered why the Cohens convinced Ryan to come home so they could keep an eye on him but they still sequestered him to the poolhouse. 

"Yeah?" Ryan answered. Summer let herself inside.

"It's me," Summer said. She set the tray down on the floor beside the bed. 

Ryan was wearing a pair of faded jeans and a wife-beater. He was sprawled on the bed. He sat up when she sat down.

"No more food, I think I'm going to explode," Ryan muttered.

"No whining, that's Seth's job," Summer teased. Ryan rolled his eyes at her with a sigh.

"How was class?" Ryan asked, accepting a bottle of juice from her hand.

"Boring. Stupid," Summer replied. She met his gaze. "How are you?"

"Boring. Stupid," He replied immediately. She shoved him with a smile and he feigned injury, lying on his back. She started to tickle him and was surprised when he started to laugh. She never knew he was ticklish but she'd never forget now that she knew. She let out a squeal as he started to tickle her in retaliation. 

"Ahem…" 

Summer and Ryan fell off the bed with a thump on opposite sides, startled. 

Sandy laughed at their expressions when they sat up to see who had come in.

"Sorry, I had to do it. Ryan, there's someone here to see you," Sandy said, his laughter fading as he got to the point.

"Okay," Ryan said after a beat. 

"Who is it?" Summer asked, watching Ryan carefully.

Sandy hesitated.

"It's my brother, right? It's Trey?" Ryan asked as he got to his feet.

"Yes, Ryan," Sandy said. 

"Before you say anything," Ryan said quietly as he helped Summer to her feet. "He doesn't have anything to do with Dawn. So don't even start…"

"I wasn't…" Sandy started.

"Where is he?" Ryan asked.

Sandy waved his hand and Trey walked in. Sandy left without another word. 

"Hey, little bro. You kind of dropped off the world there for a couple of days," Trey said, giving Ryan a friendly hug. 

"Hey, man. This is Summer," Ryan introduced. He sat down on the bed across from his brother. Summer started to leave but Ryan gave her a look and she sat down beside him.

"Nice to meet you. Ryan talks about you all the time. He didn't mention how hot you were," Trey smiled. Summer blushed. The Atwood men must all have the talent to make girls blush with a glance from those blue eyes. She wondered if Dawn had the same effect on men. She was surprised to see so much of Ryan in the thinner, taller man. They were obviously brothers but the years of jail were hanging off Trey. He looked older than she thought he should be.

"Trey, come on. What's going on?" Ryan asked.

"Well, I missed you yesterday and you didn't call…" Trey started. 

"Yeah, I got a little distracted…" Ryan muttered.

"Distracted as in 'hospitalized'," Summer said, ignoring Ryan's glare of doom.

"What? What happened? Are you okay?" Trey was immediately stricken with concern.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, everyone is just overreacting," Ryan shrugged. 

Trey looked to Summer for answers. 

"He isn't eating and he was dehydrated," Summer said. 

"Damn, kid, I told you that you were looking thin," Trey scolded. 

"I don't need a lecture, Trey, I'm getting enough of those as is," Ryan sighed. 

"You need something if you're doing this to yourself," Trey said sternly. He softened his tone. "Look, man, you have really helped me out. You got me this sweet job and you helped me get this new apartment and I owe you so much…"

"Just stay out of jail, man, and I'll be happy, I told you that," Ryan said before he could finish.

"Yeah, I'm trying," Trey smirked slightly. "But listen, dude…you have to fix whatever is eating away at you…"

"Come on, Trey…"

"Dude, I'm worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately and you know it," Trey said quickly before Ryan could interrupt. "Now I hear that they had to put you in the hospital 'cause you won't eat? How's that supposed to reassure me of anything?"

Summer was surprised to see the words of Ryan's brother affecting him. Ryan was listening to Trey. 

"What's going on?" Trey asked. "Is it the Cohens? Is it that Seth kid again or Marissa?"

"No, Trey, its not that…it's nothing…" Ryan sighed.

"Then what is eating you?" Trey urged. "Come on, kid…"

"You think it's just one thing that I can just fix?" Ryan snapped. Summer had seen him lose his temper before but she was still surprised at his rage. Trey didn't seem to mind his anger.

"I don't know, Ry. Are you drinking?" Trey asked.

"What do you want, Trey?"

"I was worried about you, Ryan, you call me every day and I…"

"I'm sorry that I didn't call…" Ryan sighed.

"You didn't think I'd care that you were in the hospital?" Trey snapped. 

Summer put her hand on Ryan's shoulder and he let out a long sigh instead of snapping back at his brother. 

"Ryan's had a lot on his mind, Trey," Summer said quietly. 

"I know. I'm sorry for coming down on you so hard, kid, but I'm worried about you. You're depressed and you're…"

"I'm not depressed…"

"You've been depressed for months," Trey responded.

"Trey, shut the fuck up," Ryan said seriously.

"No, Ryan, not until you listen to me…" Trey retorted.

"Save it…" Ryan stood up. 

"You guys both need to chill out. Too much testosterone is getting thrown around in here…" Summer said quietly. 

"Chill, Ryan," Trey said finally. 

Summer patted the bed beside her and Ryan reluctantly sat down.

"Come on, kid. What happened?" Trey asked.

"Nothing…"

"How'd you end up in the hospital?" Trey asked after a pause. 

"I…I just let myself get overtired. I forgot to eat…"

"You forgot to eat, what bullshit," Trey sighed. "You can't just forget to eat…"

"Trey, chill," Summer warned. She put her arm around Ryan and was surprised to feel him trembling. 

"Sorry," Trey apologized, glancing at her. "I just…you've done so much for me since I got out and I can't stand to see you like this…"

"Like what?" Ryan snapped. 

"Ryan, relax," Summer whispered. "He's your brother and he's worried about you."

Ryan nodded after a beat. "I'm sorry, Trey. I just…I don't know what's going on with me right now. I'm just trying to pull myself together…"

"What are you doing back here?" Trey asked.

"The Cohens…they don't want me to go back to my apartment yet. They want me to take some time off and get myself together," Ryan replied quietly.

"At least you're letting someone look out for you," Trey remarked. Ryan glared at him. 

"He's got a lot of people looking out for him," Summer replied quietly. 

Trey's gaze flickered from Ryan to Summer and back to Ryan. "So. You're okay?"

"I'm okay, Trey."

"Okay. And you'll call me tomorrow."

"I will call you tomorrow," Ryan stated. 

"And if you need me, you'll call."

Ryan nodded. 

Trey accepted his response and stood up. "That's all I can ask for, I guess."

"Thanks, Trey," Ryan said quietly once his brother was by the door. 

"I know that I was a shitty brother," Trey said, not turning around. "But I'd like to change. You've helped me and if there's anything that I can do, I hope that you'd give me the chance to help you in return." He opened the door and closed it behind him.

"Are you okay?" Summer asked.

"Yeah."

"Lay down. On your stomach," Summer said.

"What?" Ryan looked at her, confused.

"Just do it, Chino," Summer replied.

"You're not going to tickle me again, are you?" He asked. She glared at him and he obeyed. She sat down gently on his back and started to massage his muscles.

"What are you doing?" Ryan asked after a few moments.

"Trying to help you out," She replied. "Do you want me to stop?"

"Hell, no," He said, his voice muffled. She smiled. 

Summer hadn't told anyone about the unopened prescriptions in Ryan's apartment. She was trying to think of a way that she could tell someone without him getting upset. She wanted to know why he'd keep all the filled bottles around if he didn't intend on taking them. She wanted to know why he didn't take them when he was obviously in pain. She wanted him to talk to her. 

"How're your classes going?" Ryan asked.

"Fine."

"Just fine? Come on, distract me. Tell me about that evil physics professor you have," Ryan urged.

She knew that he was just trying to avoid her questions about his brother. 

"Can I talk to you about something else first?" She asked.

Ryan didn't reply immediately. "As long as you don't stop what you're doing…"

Summer smiled, glad to be bringing him some relief. 

"What's up?" Ryan asked when she didn't respond.

"I think you should talk to a doctor or something about your pain management…"

"Summer…" He sighed.

"No, hear me out." She continued to rub his back. She knew that it should help his back pain but she also enjoyed the closeness to him. "You don't like the drugs, that's fine. But what about acupuncture or more intense physical therapy? Have you even told anyone that you aren't taking the painkillers?"

"Summer…" He started again.

"I think you don't sleep 'cause you're in pain. I think you're grouchy all the time because you're in pain…"

"You think I'm grouchy?" Ryan asked. She could hear the smile in his voice.

Her hands drifted to his lower back.

"Oh god…" Ryan said suddenly.

"What? Did I hurt you?" She asked.

"No…that was the spot…" He murmured. She laughed despite herself and focused more on his lower back. 

"So, Ryan. Now that I know your weakness…have you told anyone about the pills?"

"No, Summer…"

"Can I ask you why you're keeping them if you're not taking them?"

He didn't answer.

Summer sighed. "Ryan, please…if you hate throwing things away, just tell me. If you were going to sell them, just tell me…"

"I just didn't throw them away," Ryan whispered. 

"If you were planning on eating the whole bottle…"

"I wasn't. I'm not," Ryan answered immediately.

Summer stopped rubbing his back and ran her hand through his hair. "I think you should tell someone, Ryan."

"I know…" He whispered. 

"What? You're agreeing with something? I don't believe it," She teased.

"I'm so tired of being sad and angry…I'm just too tired…"

Summer resumed her massage of his back as she considered his words. "What happened between you and Sandy?"

"I'm not mad at him. I just don't know…I don't know if I can do what he wants…"

"What does he want?" Summer asked gently. 

"He wants me to stop seeing my mother," Ryan replied.

"Wait a second. You see your mom? Like, your real mom?" Summer asked, surprised. 

"Yeah. I've been going every morning since she ended up in jail," He whispered.

"She's in jail?" Summer was surprised. She hadn't known that Trey was out of jail. 

"Yeah. And she wants to see me. She's never wanted to see me before but…Sandy expects me to just walk away from her…" Ryan murmured before pausing. "If Trey knew I was seeing her, he'd kick my ass…"

Summer wasn't sure of how she was supposed to interpret his statement. She realized that she was sorely out of the loop on the Atwood core family. "Why?" She asked finally.

"Because," Ryan answered tersely. 

"You have to give me a little more to go on, Chino," Summer replied quietly. She was glad that he was actually talking to her but she wanted him to tell her what he was trying to tell her instead of just dancing around it. 

"Because of the way she is," Ryan whispered.

"Okay. Why do you go see her if she's…if she's that way?" Summer asked. Ryan didn't respond. Summer didn't push him for an answer, she continued to try and knead the tension out of his back. 

"Because she's my mother…" He said finally.

"Okay, Ryan. Why didn't you tell Sandy that?" Summer asked. 

Ryan sighed. 

"My hands are getting tired, Ryan. You want to try and eat something?" Summer asked. She got off his back and sat down on the bed. Ryan sat up and stretched. 

"Thanks, Summer. That…really helped," He said.

"And you're going to eat, right?" Summer asked. 

He stuck his tongue out at her but leaned over and retrieved the tray, setting it on the bed between them. He reluctantly put a cracker in his mouth. 

"Chew," Summer ordered. 

Ryan gave her the finger and chewed his cracker dramatically. 

"You're on thin ice, Chino," Summer laughed. She glanced through the windows and saw Sandy and Trey talking on the patio. 

"I'm going to be in more trouble, aren't I?" Ryan asked, following her gaze.

"I didn't know Trey was out of jail."

"He called me when he got out. I got him a job and helped him get settled in a new place. Out of Chino. A new start," Ryan said slowly.

"And I'm assuming that you didn't tell anyone."

"It wasn't anyone's business," Ryan remarked.

"It was a nice thing to do, Ryan. It was nice of you to help him like that," Summer said. She turned and realized that Ryan was watching her. "What?"

"What's up, Summer?"

"What?" She asked.

"You're acting weird," Ryan replied. 

"Weird? What do you mean?"

Ryan shook his head. "Nothing. Never mind."

Summer accepted his response. "Eat."

***** 


	6. Six

"Sandy, could you get the door?" Kirsten was immersed in several stacks of paperwork that Caleb had brought her from the office. She was planning on staying home today to make sure that Ryan didn't need her. It was Friday and Ryan hadn't left the poolhouse at all yesterday except to come in for dinner. He was still painfully withdrawn and wouldn't respond to Sandy at all. 

"Sure. Are you expecting anyone?" Sandy asked as he kissed her on the cheek. 

"Not that I can think of," Kirsten replied. The doorbell rang again.

"Well, they're certainly impatient…" Sandy muttered and started to go to the door.

"Well so much for surprising the parents at the door," Seth said as he walked in, heavily laden with bags.

"Seth? Seth!" Kirsten gave her son an enthusiastic hug, knocking his bags from his arms and almost toppling him to the floor.

"Hey, Mom. I guess you missed me," Seth grinned. 

"Seth, what's the occasion?" Sandy asked as he gave his son a hug. 

"Well…I have some news," Seth said. 

"What about school?" Kirsten asked.

"School…is not exactly what I expected. I needed to come home," Seth said quietly.

"So…" Sandy urged.

"You guys know I've been talking to Ryan, right?"

"He mentioned it," Kirsten nodded.

"Well, it's been a little rocky but I've been calling him a lot. A couple of days ago, he actually called me. He told me all these things…things that made me have to come home and…and make sure he's okay. Is he okay?"

"You can't just quit school because you're worried about Ryan," Sandy said after a short pause. 

"I never started school. I never went. I just…I couldn't…" Seth confessed.

"Seth…" Kirsten whispered, startled. 

"It's really complicated. I know I should have told you…Ryan said I should tell you but…but I knew that you'd both be upset…" Seth said quietly.

"Okay, Seth. I want to hear more about this, I have to hear all about this, you understand?" Sandy asked.

Seth nodded. "How's Ryan?"

"He's in the poolhouse," Sandy replied. 

"I'm really worried about him. He's…he's not himself," Seth said quietly.

"You don't exactly seem like yourself either," Kirsten replied.

"What did he say to you that made you decide to come home?" Sandy asked. 

"Well, it wasn't exactly what he said, it was…it was what he didn't say," Seth said slowly.

"We are talking about Ryan here. Go on, Seth," Kirsten smiled. 

"He's just talking out of his head. He's got stuff all twisted and since we're…we're sort of quasi-friends again, I though I should come home and face you guys and see if I could help him," Seth said.

"Quasi-friends? What does that mean?"

Seth hesitated. "He says he's over what happened, that we're family and he forgives me…and he talks to me about stuff but I can tell that…that he's still not completely cool with me."

"But you came home for him, Seth," Kirsten said. "Doesn't that make you a little more than 'quasi'?"

Seth turned away from them and put a bag on the counter. "I don't want to get my hopes up. I brought gifts."

"For your parents that you just told you dropped out…" Sandy replied.

"Technically, I didn't drop out. Technically, I never started. But yes, I brought gifts.

***** 

Sandy knocked on the door to the poolhouse.

"It's open," Ryan called.

Sandy stepped inside. Ryan had a laptop open in front of him and his cellular phone to his ear.

"Hey, Ernie, I have to go…I'll have to get back to you…" Ryan closed his phone.

"Working?" Sandy asked.

"Sorry. He called. Sent me some emails. Not much work, I swear," Ryan said quietly.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay."

"You're hiding out here like you're grounded or something."

"Nah."

"We wanted you in the guest room."

"I know. But I hope I'm not a guest," Ryan smirked. 

"I didn't mean to upset you yesterday," Sandy said.

"I overreacted. You're right."

"I am?" Sandy asked, surprised.

"Was there ever any doubt?" Ryan muttered.

"Ryan…" Sandy was confused by Ryan's tone. He couldn't tell if Ryan was angry with him or just being sarcastic. 

"Sorry. My moods are a little off," Ryan murmured. 

"I never even knew you had moods," Sandy remarked with a smile.

"I need to tell you something."

"Okay."

"I don't mean to be keeping things from you. There's just some things that I didn't tell you because…because they didn't have anything to do with you."

"Like how you helped Trey," Sandy stated quietly.

"Yeah. He got in touch with me when he got out of jail," Ryan sighed.

"You really seem to have helped him, Ryan. I'm proud of you."

Ryan's eyes are locked on the carpet in front of Sandy's feet. "It's not a big deal."

"Is that what you needed to tell me?"

"No." Ryan hesitated. "So I freaked out back at the apartment. Before you came to get me."

Sandy nodded. "Okay, Ryan."

"And Summer took me into the bathroom to fix my hands and she found my painkillers."

"You take painkillers for your back," Sandy nodded. 

"I don't take them," Ryan said evenly.

"You aren't taking them," Sandy repeated.

"And I just put them away when I get them. I just put them under the sink." Ryan paused. "I didn't even think about what it would look like. There must be 20 bottles under there by now."

Sandy was quiet. "What were you going to do with them?"

"Nothing."

"Then why don't you just throw them out? Or flush them?" Sandy asked.

"I don't know," Ryan said. "I didn't think it was a big deal but it scared the hell out of Summer."

"Seth's here."

"What?" Ryan asked, confused at the subject change.

"Seth flew home. He's inside. He was worried about you," Sandy stated.

Ryan nodded.

"I need to think about what you told me…"

"Why?"

"Because. Why did you tell me? Because Summer asked you to?"

"No. I told you…because…I don't know why I told you," Ryan said, his voice trailing into silence. He lowered his gaze. "I shouldn't have told you."

"Ryan, that's not what…"

"No, you're right, I'm sorry…" Ryan stood up abruptly.

"Ryan, wait…"

"I'm not going anywhere, I'm here, where you can watch me and dissect what I'm doing and completely misinterpreting what I'm trying to say," Ryan snapped quickly. Luke stepped into the poolhouse quietly.

"Ryan…" Sandy began, not noticing Luke.

"No, it's done, I can't talk to you, I'm sorry I even tried, it was a bad idea," Ryan muttered.

"You're in hyperdrive," Luke said, stepping in front of Ryan.

"Fuck you," Ryan snapped. Luke put a hand on his shoulder.

"Time out," Luke said quietly. "Go get changed. Go into the bathroom and pull yourself together. Now."

Ryan hesitated but finally nodded. "Thanks." He walked into the bathroom.

"I thought him being here was supposed to be helping," Luke whispered to Sandy.

"How'd you know how to calm him down?"

Luke gave Sandy a strange look. "Mr. Cohen, we keep each other out of trouble. I can tell most of the time when he's going to blow."

"I didn't mean to upset him," Sandy sighed.

"He's doing everything he can to be what you guys want him to be but it's killing him," Luke stated quietly.

"You think this is my fault? For pushing him too hard?" Sandy asked.

"No. You guys are great parents. You haven't pushed him, he pushed himself," Luke replied, shaking his head at Sandy because he didn't understand Luke's meaning. "He's burning out, Sandy."

Sandy nodded. 

"You should probably go," Luke said. "Let me talk to him a while. Chill him out."

"Seth's back."

"Seth? He's here? Does Ryan know?" Luke asked, immediately alert.

"I told him. They're trying to work things out, they've been talking on the phone and Seth came home."

"Wow. That's a surprise," Luke said quietly.

"Should I be worried?" Sandy asked after a beat.

"If Ryan didn't kick his ass for what he did…I'll respect that," Luke said thoughtfully.

Sandy smiled slightly. "That's not exactly what I was asking. But it's good to know. I'll be inside."

Luke nodded. 

***** 

"Summer."

"Seth. Surprise," Summer said when Seth answered the door after she rang the doorbell. 

"Sorry. There's that first apology out of the way," Seth said, smiling nervously.

"Cohen. Move aside," Summer smiled.

"She doesn't need an invitation, she's not a vampire," Sandy called from the kitchen. Seth stepped out of the doorway and she stepped in.

"You look…awesome."

"Thanks. You look thinner," Summer commented.

"Thanks. I was on the 'I betrayed my brother' crash diet. I hear you heard," Seth said, trying to joke but failing miserably. 

"Yeah. I heard. It doesn't change what's between us, though. You cheated. It doesn't matter who with…"

"Yes it does. It does matter. To Ryan. To me. It should matter to you. It would've been different if I did it with a stranger…" Seth replied. They were talking quiet enough that Sandy and Kirsten couldn't hear them from the kitchen.

"Eww. Not to me. But you were shitty to Ryan," Summer replied.

"We're working through it. Thanks for taking care of Ryan while I was gone," Seth said. 

"While you were gone? What about before you left? You didn't care about him then," Summer snapped. 

"I…I know. I'm trying to make it right. I made a big mess. That's why I'm here," Seth said quietly. 

Summer was looking at him. "You're really sorry, aren't you?"

"Hell yeah. I'm really sorry. About everything," Seth said honestly.

"Good. You should be. Where's Chino?"

"He's in the poolhouse with Luke. I haven't been out there yet, I was hoping he'd come inside but no luck yet," Seth replied.

"Come on, I'll take you out there," Summer offered.

"You and Ryan, you guys are really close now, right?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. I think so."

"I don't know if we were ever friends but maybe we should have tried a little harder. The way Ryan talks about you, I really wish I'd had a friend like you," Seth said as they walked toward the poolhouse.

"Maybe we could be friends. If Luke doesn't kick your ass first," Summer said. She knocked on the door to the poolhouse.

"Yeah?" Luke answered.

Summer stepped in, making sure that Seth was in clear view behind her.

"Hey Summer. Seth," Luke nodded, flashing Seth a threatening look.

Seth paled a shade.

"Where's Ryan?" Summer asked.

"Taking a shower," Luke waved his hand toward the bathroom. Steam was wafting from underneath the door.

"He sure likes it hot," Seth noted.

"The heat helps his back," Luke snapped.

"I'm going to go back inside," Seth said, turning toward the door. 

"No, dude. I'm sorry. Ryan's cool with you so I'm cool with you. I just don't like you," Luke sighed. 

"It's okay. I'll wait inside." Seth left immediately.

"Come on, Luke, you could cut the kid a little slack," Summer scolded. She sat down on Ryan's bed. 

"I know, but it just pisses me off. Chino lets too much stuff go. I mean, I get it, but I don't like it. Seth's his family and he has to get over it, but that doesn't mean that I have to get over it."

"Seth cheated on me. Ryan and I are the only people that really get a free pass to be pissed," Summer told Luke.

"Yeah, but what Seth did to Ryan is the reason he's having so much trouble now. I know, Marissa was sleeping with other kids, too, but…"

"What? You're sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure, but it would have been a lot different if Ryan had had Seth around to be a friend when all that went down. You know?" Luke asked.

"Yeah. I know. But he's trying. And Ryan's trying. We have to respect that," Summer said quietly. 

The door to the bathroom opened and let out a cloud of steam and soap-scented air. Ryan stepped out wearing a pair of sweatpants. His hair was still wet and plastered against his head.

"You really need a haircut," Summer said. 

"Thanks," Ryan murmured distantly. He walked slowly to the bed and leaned down to get his bag. Summer hadn't seen him shirtless since she had returned and she was startled when he turned around. There were dark scars lining his back from the accident. Before he could see her reaction, he pulled on a wife-beater. 

"Better?" Luke asked.

"Yeah. Better," Ryan muttered. He sat down on the bed beside Summer. 

"Have you talked to Seth yet?" Summer asked.

"No. I haven't made it inside," Ryan answered.

"What's going on? You don't seem to be doing as well today," Summer said quietly.

Ryan didn't respond. Summer caught a warning glance from Luke and dropped it.

"I need to make some phone calls. I'll be inside in a few minutes," Ryan said after a long silence. 

"You sure?" Luke hesitated.

"Yeah. I'll be fine. I just need to make a few calls," Ryan said quietly. 

"Okay, dude. We'll be inside," Luke said, standing up.

"Do you mind if I stay?" Summer asked suddenly. "I mean, if it's okay."

Ryan met her gaze with tired blue eyes. "Not really digging the Seth reunion yet?" He asked evenly.

"You got me," Summer smiled. It's not what she meant but it worked if Ryan would let her stay with him.

"Oh, so send me into the fire. Thanks," Luke complained but he left. 

"Don't say anything, Summer. Not until I'm done, okay?" Ryan asked before she could say anything. 

"Okay, Chino. This is me not talking," Summer said. 

Ryan used his cell phone to dial a number. She was watching him intently. After finding the painkillers, she had started to watch him to try and see if she could see signs that he was in pain. She recognized the slight grinding of his teeth and the tenseness of his jaw. He'd never admit it but she could tell. 

"I'm calling for Dawn Atwood. She's a prisoner on cell block 7-C," Ryan said into the phone. He wouldn't meet her gaze as she studied him. He didn't seem to mind her observation of him but she put a hand on his shoulder. He didn't flinch but he didn't look up either.

"Thank you," Ryan said into the phone. She felt him tense up even more after a short pause.

"Hey, Ma. It's Ryan. Yeah, I know I missed visitation. Something's come up. I can't come see you anymore. Not right now. I'm sorry…" 

Summer was startled when she heard the woman's shrill voice become raised in Ryan's ear. He didn't respond immediately, waiting patiently for her to stop yelling.

"Yeah. I'm sorry…it's a long story…" He paused for another fit of yelling. "It's not the Cohens, they don't have anything to do with it…"

Summer was chilled when she heard Ryan's next words. "I don't want you in my life. It's my decision. It has nothing to do with them, it has to do with me. I don't want to see you anymore." He shook her hand off his shoulder and stood up.

"Good luck, Dawn." He closed the phone with a snap and stood beside the bed, trembling. 

"Wow," Summer whispered. "You don't do things halfway, do you?" 

"Summer," Ryan said her name tiredly. 

"Sorry."

Ryan reopened his phone but didn't sit down. He dialed a number and was silent. "Trey. Hey. Not much. Just checking in. Fine. Everything's fine. Nothing's wrong. I promise." He turned and met Summer's steady gaze. "Hang on." He lowered the phone. "My brother wants to talk to you."

Summer accepted the phone, surprised. "Hello?"

"Summer, you're with him?"

"Yeah, Trey. What's up?"

"How's he doing?" 

"I don't know. He's okay."

"Really?"

"He's getting by."

"You think you could bring him out here to see me? Ry knows where I live. If the Cohens try to keep him cooped up there too long, he's going to bolt," Trey said. Summer glanced up at Ryan and realized that it was true. Ryan seemed twice as uncomfortable in the poolhouse today compared to when she left the night before. 

"When?" Summer asked. "I mean, I'll see what I can do…"

"I get off work at four. Anytime after that."

"I'll try. We'll call you."

"Thanks. Let me talk to the kid again," Trey said.

She handed the phone back to Ryan.

"Hey. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Bye." Ryan closed the phone.

"He wants me to take you to see him."

"He told me."

"What's going on, Ryan? What happened last night?" Summer asked.

"Nothing. You want to come inside? I promise I won't let Seth get too close," Ryan said evenly. His blue eyes were full of unspoken emotion but his face was placid.

"You're ready to see him?" Summer asked, confused at his mood.

"Yeah. I mean, I wish I had known he was coming but still…I need to see him," Ryan said quietly.

"Okay, Ryan. Let's go."

__

*****


	7. Seven

AN: Here's a short update to show all the patient folks that I haven't forgotten about this story. Thanks for all the reviews. 

***** 

*****

"What's going on?" Summer whispered to Kirsten after she had escorted Ryan into the house.

"What do you mean?" Kirsten whispered in reply. 

"Something happened. Something's wrong," Summer said. 

"Seth. Good to see you, man," Ryan said as Seth walked into the dining room with Sandy.

"You look like hell, man," Seth said with a huge grin on his face. He gave Ryan a genuine hug. 

"What'd you do to Luke?" Ryan asked, looking around for his friend.

"He had to go. He should be back in a couple of hours," Sandy answered. Ryan glanced between Seth and Sandy but didn't argue. He nodded silently.

"You're right," Kirsten whispered to Summer, seeing the tension.

"Come upstairs. We'll get caught up," Seth said suddenly. He seemed to sense the tension as well. But Seth could tell that it was directed at Sandy. 

"You must be exhausted man, from your flight," Ryan replied. 

"The jet lag is pretty harsh but…" Seth protested.

"I have some errands to run today though. If that's okay," Ryan said evenly, meeting Sandy's gaze. 

"You're not under arrest, Ryan. We just want you to take it easy," Sandy stated slowly. 

Ryan nodded. "I plan to. But I need to run some errands. I figured I'd have breakfast first, though."

"Breakfast? You're volunteering to eat? Wow," Kirsten remarked with a smile.

Kirsten and Seth fell into the familiar Cohen banter by the counter, trying to diffuse the building tension in the kitchen. Summer stayed by Ryan's side but saw that while he wasn't affected by Seth's presence, he was rigid from the proximity to Sandy. 

Sandy walked closer to Ryan and gave him a sad glance. "I'm sorry that I'm not helping you."

Ryan gave him a frosty glare and turned away. He went to Kirsten's side and silently started helping her set the table for breakfast. Summer gave Sandy an apologetic look before he left the kitchen.

"Where's the boy?" Caleb's voice boomed into the kitchen.

"How'd you know I was home, Grandpa?" Seth asked, giving his grandfather a welcoming hug.

"I didn't, what are you doing here? Don't tell me you flunked out of college, you're too smart for that," Caleb smiled.

"It's a long story, Grandpa. I'm taking a short hiatus from school. What are you doing here?" Seth asked.

"I came by to check on Ryan," Caleb replied. 

"He's not doing any work," Kirsten remarked.

"I've already talked to Ernie," Ryan said quietly.

"You have?" Caleb and Kirsten asked in unison. 

"He emailed me the plans and I talked to him a little and gave him some input," Ryan replied. 

"Do you have a few minutes to go over them with me?" Caleb asked. 

Kirsten and Summer gave Caleb a warning glare.

Ryan laughed at their seriousness. "I was going to swing by the office, for just a few minutes, when I go out today."

"So you'll touch base with the architects?" Caleb asked.

"Ryan, you're supposed to be taking it easy," Kirsten said quietly.

"I'm not planning on staying but a few minutes, Kirsten. I just want to follow up on some of the projects we have going right now. I promise that I won't get stressed out," Ryan replied. 

"I was hoping we could hang out today, Ryan," Seth said suddenly. Ryan turned to face him.

"Why can't we?" Ryan replied.

"How long are your errands going to take?" Seth inquired.

Summer watched Ryan tense up. 

"I don't know," Ryan replied. "Do you want me to write out my schedule or should I just wear one of those tracking collars so you'll know where I am?"

Seth was startled by Ryan's tone. "What? That's not what I meant…" Seth stammered.

Ryan sighed and dropped his stern expression. "Sorry…"

"Ryan…" Kirsten started but Ryan was already on his way out of the kitchen. They all listened as the front door slammed closed.

***** 

Ryan went by his apartment and found Luke working on some homework. He convinced Luke to accompany him to the gym to work off some frustration. Luke was hesitant about Ryan working out so soon after his collapse but Ryan was intent on going with or without him. Luke worked out in the weight room and found Ryan in the locker room an hour later.

"So, dude, what's up now?" Luke asked, sitting down on the bench near Ryan's locker. Ryan was fresh out of the shower and was pulling on his shirt. 

"I'm meeting Jimmy for lunch then I was going to swing by the registrar's office at school before heading over to the Newport Group," Ryan said evenly.

"What's up with school?"

"I'm quitting," Ryan replied.

"What? Are you sure?" Luke asked, startled.

"I think so. I'm just going to withdraw from all my classes. It's so early in the semester that the scholarship should be fully refunded to the committee," Ryan replied. His voice was flat.

"Have you talked to Sandy or Kirsten about this?" Luke asked slowly. 

"Not yet," Ryan shrugged. 

Luke hesitated. "Why'd you tell me?"

"Because I hope that you won't make a big deal out of it," Ryan replied honestly. 

"But you know that it is a pretty big deal, right?"

"I know. You want a ride back to the apartment?"

"Nah, I'll walk. Will you be around later?" Luke asked.

"Should be. I'll give you a call when I get done later," Ryan replied.

Luke watched Ryan walk out of the locker room with a bad feeling in his gut. 

***** 

Jimmy was genuinely glad to see Ryan. They met for lunch at a casual restaurant near the Newport Group headquarters. Ryan ate about half of his meal and listened to Jimmy talk animatedly about Hailey's imminent return. Hailey and Jimmy had been living together for several months but she was away on business. 

"There's something else I wanted to talk to you about," Jimmy said after a short pause. Ryan tensed up immediately and Jimmy noticed it. 

"Go ahead," Ryan said quietly.

"I hate it when you do that. You were fine and then as soon as I said that I had something to talk to you about, you closed down on me. I don't ever want to make you have a reaction like that," Jimmy sighed.

"Sorry. But you have to admit that you got a little dark on me, Jimmy," Ryan replied with a sad smile.

"Yeah. I can't believe I'm even mentioning this, Ryan…" Jimmy was clearly unsure about what he wanted to say.

"We're friends, Jimmy. Just tell me," Ryan replied.

"Marissa's asking for you," Jimmy said after a long pause. 

Ryan let out a tense breath. "Really."

"Yes. She's doing a lot better. The doctors say that they haven't seen anything like it in years. She's using full sentences and her memory…her memory is fully intact. She remembers everything, Ryan," Jimmy said quietly. Ryan nodded silently, his blue eyes clouded. "I'm sorry, Ryan, for having to tell you…"

"She's your daughter, Jimmy. And you'll love her and try to do what's best for her. That's why you're such a good father," Ryan replied. 

"I'm not asking you to go see her, god, I'd never ask you that, but…"

"But you want me to think about it, right?" Ryan replied.

"She's so upset, Ryan, you're all she asks about…she just cries out for you and nothing that I say seems to get through to her…so I felt like I had to mention it," Jimmy said quietly.

"Okay, Jimmy. I need to think about this."

"I don't want you to get upset, Ryan…"

"It's okay. You had to tell me, Jimmy. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do anything about it right now. I need to think about it," Ryan replied. 

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Thanks for lunch, Jimmy. I'll give you a call later in the week, okay?" Ryan stood up, only slightly flushed. 

"Ryan…"

"Don't worry, Jimmy, I'm really fine. Thanks for telling me. I'm going to make an appearance at the Newport Group before heading home," Ryan said suddenly. 

***** 

After spending a couple of hours at the Newport Group, Ryan went to the registrar's office and dropped all his classes. The indifferent clerk that helped him assured him that he had dropped out in enough time that all the money would be refunded to the payers. He had been surprised to realize that he really didn't care about college except that he knew that the Cohens would be disappointed. 

It was around four once he made it back to his apartment. He recognized Summer's car outside and found her waiting for him in his living room

"Hey," He nodded to her as he stepped in. 

Summer stood up and gave him a hug. He let out a deep sigh before sitting down beside her on the couch. 

"Hey," She said as she released him. "What's up?"

"Nothing," He shrugged.

"How'd your errands go?"

"Okay," He replied.

"Just one word answers? I thought we were more than that," Summer said after a pause. She looked to him but he wouldn't meet her gaze. 

"Jimmy said that Marissa's better. Like, miracle better. And she's asking to see me. Begging him. He…he's a good man and he's trying to help his daughter but…I don't know if I can start that all again…" Ryan confessed quietly.

"Ryan…" Summer started.

"I don't know what's wrong with me…"

"There's nothing wrong with you honey," Summer urged, putting an arm around him and pulling him against her gently. 

Ryan's voice had dropped to a whisper laced with emotion. "She's just like my mom…all she seems to do is cause me pain but I can't stay away…I can't stop worrying about her and thinking about her…I feel like there's something that I should be able to do…"

"What? What could you do that you haven't already done, Ryan? For either of them? You almost died for Marissa and your mom…your mom is just lonely, she doesn't deserve your help anymore…" Summer said gently. She felt him shudder and she lowered his head to her lap and tenderly ran her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes. She hadn't told him about her feelings yet and seeing his fragile face, she just wanted him to stop being sad. 

"I don't know…I severed the ties with my mother and Marissa…but I still feel like everything has crashed down around me…I feel defeated, Summer…like I lost whatever battle I was fighting…"

"Then stop fighting…start living, Ryan…you deserve a good life. You're a good man and you deserve to be happy," Summer whispered. He sighed. 

She had never had a friend quite like Ryan. Strong and supportive and fiercely loyal but desperately fragile. She wanted to kiss all his pain away. But he was comfortable stretched across her lap and he was letting her comfort him. From what Luke and the Cohens had told her, he didn't let anyone comfort him. He had his eyes closed. His lips looked so soft. She leaned over and kissed him. When she realized what she was doing, she pulled away and he was looking at her with confused blue eyes.

"Summer?" Ryan called.

"I am so sorry, Ryan, that was the worst timing ever…"Summer was flushed with embarrassment.

Ryan sat up, clearly confused. "What just happened?"

"I'm sorry, Ryan…"

"You kissed me, Summer," He stated, his eyes searching her face for an explanation.

"Yes, I did."

Ryan didn't reply. He slowly shook his head. "I can't do this, Summer."

"Do what? I just kissed you, that's all…"

He continued shaking his head, his eyes never leaving her face. "I needed a friend right now…"

"I am your friend, Ryan," Summer replied before he could continue.

Ryan stood up. "I can't handle anything more. I can't be what you want…"

"You are what I want," Summer replied immediately.

"I have to go," He said. 

"Please don't go," Summer urged quietly. 

Ryan didn't look at her again as he walked out. Summer was concentrating on not crying. 

***** 

"Have you heard from him?" Summer asked when Luke walked in later that afternoon. 

"Not since we went to the gym earlier today. What's wrong?" Luke sat down beside her and put an arm around her. 

"I fucked up."

"Yeah? What happened?"

"He came home and talked to me…and I kissed him," Summer whispered.

Luke sighed. "He flipped?"

"He didn't really flip…but he shut down. Said that he needed a friend right now and couldn't handle anything more…It was really a bad time, Luke. I mean, he was opening up to me and I just…I fucked up," Summer said.

"He'll get over it, Summer. He's just…he's got a lot on his mind right now and I don't think he was expecting it," Luke replied.

"But he just left, Luke, he didn't even give me a chance to explain," Summer said. 

"He'll be back, Summer. He's going to get through this and he'll realize how much you care about him…" Luke started. 

"He has to know…" Summer whispered. Luke squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. 

"He knows, Summer."

***** 

Ryan was at his brother's apartment. Trey had been glad to see him but after a pizza, an eighteen pack of beers, and a couple of hours of small talk; Trey was more concerned about Ryan than he'd been before his visit. Ryan was more noncommunicative than Trey had ever seen. He was reasonably relaxed but he wouldn't tell Trey anything about what was really bothering him. Trey had thought that the alcohol would loosen his little brother's tongue but nothing was working. He regretted giving the kid beer after seeing how much it steadied his nerves. Ryan had been shaking upon arrival but after the first couple of beers, he was steady. 

Trey walked onto the balcony where Ryan was smoking a cigarette.

"Are you going to talk to me, kid?"

"Do I have to?"

"No. But I'd like to help. What's up?"

"It's too much for me to go into right now, Trey," Ryan said quietly.

"Try."

Ryan looked over at his older brother with an annoyed expression. "Fuck you."

"What?" Trey asked, startled.

"I came here because I wanted a few minutes of peace. I wanted to hang out with you and forget about all the shit I have to deal with when I get home. I don't want to have to rehash it over and over…"

"Damn, kid, I know that, but I just thought that you'd try and talk to me. I mean, I don't want to bring you down but you can tell me anything and I thought you'd appreciate a fresh expression. Your new life, it doesn't have anything to do with me so I don't have any investment in the drama, you know?" Trey offered.

Ryan sighed. "I know. But I don't feel like talking."

"You never feel like talking. You're an Atwood, we never talk," Trey smiled.

"Then why are you pushing me?" Ryan asked quietly.

"Because I am really worried about you," Trey answered.

"Don't."

"You're going to take off, aren't you?" Trey asked after a long pause. 

"Why do you say that?"

"You've got that look in your eye. That fight or flight look and you have too many people to fight so you're going to jet. Am I right?"

"I've thought about it. But it's too much for me to just leave, you know? I mean, there's the Cohens and Luke and Summer…my job, my home…I don't want to just leave…but I think…I think that I'm going to explode if something doesn't change…" Ryan said slowly.

"What's going on, Ryan?"

"Listen, Trey, I think I need to go…"

"Now? When you were finally starting to talk to me?"

"All about the avoidance, Trey. I need to get home and deal with some stuff," Ryan sighed. 

"What stuff?"

"I quit school today," Ryan said quietly. "Marissa's dad says she's crying because I haven't been to see her. Summer kissed me. Sandy told me that he doesn't want me to go visit Mom anymore and…"

"Slow the fuck down. You've been going to see Mom? What the fuck are you thinking?" Trey asked.

"Fuck you…"

"Why the fuck would you do that? She's just going to mindfuck you, Ryan, you know that!" Trey snapped.

"Goddammit it, Trey, I thought you wanted me to talk to you!" Ryan retorted. 

"I can't believe you've been seeing her. I just can't fucking believe it," Trey shook his head. 

"I'm out of here…" Ryan turned to leave but Trey grabbed his arm. Ryan reacted automatically, throwing a harsh punch and breaking the skin. Trey was incensed and immediately fought back. The brothers hadn't fought like this in years. Finally, Trey lost his energy and managed to separate himself from his little brother. They edged to separate sides of the balcony, both panting and bloody. 

"Sorry…" Ryan muttered. 

"Yeah, me, too." Trey got up first and offered Ryan a hand. Ryan accepted his help and stood up. 

"I don't need a fucking lecture from you, I get that from enough people," Ryan muttered. "I'm going home. I'll call you tomorrow."

"You want to get cleaned up, man? Put some ice on that?" Trey asked.

"Nah. I'll do it when I get home," Ryan replied. 

"Man, I'm sorry…" Trey started.

"I punched you. It's my fault," Ryan replied. "No hard feelings?"

"Depends. Are you going to see Mom any more?" Trey asked after a beat.

Ryan glared at him. "I'll call you tomorrow."

***** 


	8. Eight

AN: I feel a little evil posting this considering where this story is going. The scenes are short but I promise that I'm building up to something. Enjoy and let me know what you think. 

***** 

Summer had dinner with Seth, Kirsten and Sandy that night, hoping that Ryan would show up. Luke was staying at his apartment but they were all worried. They didn't want to search for him and make him think that they didn't trust him. But they were worried.

Kirsten had stepped into the kitchen to get another pitcher of water for the table when her cell phone buzzed. She glanced back at the table and saw that they were engaged in conversation so she answered it.

"Kirsten Cohen."

"Hey."

"Hey, honey, are you okay?" Kirsten recognized Ryan immediately.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"What's going on?"

"I think I'm going to lie low a couple of days. Get my head together, you know?"

"What does that mean exactly?"

"I don't think I can come home right now," Ryan said quietly.

"Ryan, you should be around people that love you…"

"I need some time to myself. Like, alone," Ryan replied.

"Okay, Ryan, but can't you be alone at your apartment?"

"I feel like I'm under surveillance. Like everything I do is under a microscope. It's not helping."

"Honey, I'm sorry…"

"I have some news though."

"Okay, what kind of news?"

"I withdrew from my classes today…"

Kirsten sat down on the couch. "Okay, Ryan…"

"I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you guys about it, but…I thought about it a lot," Ryan said. 

"It's your decision. Is that all that's bothering you?"

"You can tell Sandy that I did what he asked."

"What did he ask you to do?" Kirsten asked.

"He didn't tell you?"

"No, Ryan. What happened?" 

"It's nothing. I just wanted to touch base. I'll give you guys a call tomorrow…"

"Summer's here."

"Is she okay?"

"She's a little upset but she isn't talking about it. Did something happen?"

Ryan hesitated.

"Okay, Ryan. You need some space. Can I ask where you're going?" Kirsten asked.

"I'll call you tomorrow. I swear that I'm fine," Ryan said.

"I wish that I believed you," Kirsten sighed.

"Me, too. Thanks."

Kirsten listened to the dial tone as he hung up.

"What is it?" Sandy was standing beside her.

"He needs some time. He says he feels like he's under a microscope here," Kirsten whispered.

Sandy sighed and sat down beside her. He put his arms around her.

"He said to tell you that he did what you asked, Sandy. What was he talking about?" Kirsten asked. 

Sandy released her. "He did what I asked?"

"Yeah. What did you ask him to do, Sandy? Is that why he's been so skittish around you?"

"I…I heard his mother leave a message for him on his answering machine when I was at his apartment earlier. I didn't mean to hear it…but I did. I had no idea, Kirsten…I've never spent enough time with the woman and Ryan never talks about her…but she's a…she's not a mother. I told Ryan about it and…I told him that I didn't think he should see her anymore," Sandy confessed.

"You told him you didn't want him to see his mother? God, Sandy…she's his mother…" Kirsten was flushed.

"I know…lately, nothing that I say to him comes out the way that I mean. He tried to talk to me about something else and he took my response all wrong…I feel like he's slipping away and there's nothing I can do to stop it…he's fading…" Sandy replied. 

"I know…but he called. That's a step. He knows how much we care about him. He said that he'd call us again tomorrow."

***** 

Ryan slept soundly for the first time in months in the posh hotel room. He rarely spent money like the money he paid for this room but after the few days he'd had, he decided that he'd earned it. He had hit up the minibar the night before and ordered room service and ate a tasteless meal. He couldn't taste anything, he was too depressed but he didn't want to end up back in the hospital. 

He woke up slightly disoriented but quickly remembered where he was. He wasn't far from the Cohens, he was in one of Newport's finer hotels. He ordered breakfast and when he got out of the shower, he saw it sitting by the bed on a little cart. 

Ryan had never been a couch potato by any means but he intended on spending the entire day in bed. He settled into the bed and forced himself to eat the breakfast for him. He flipped on the television and began flipping channels indifferently. He finally settled on the Cartoon Network and the little purple dog that seemed to be afraid of everything but risked everything for his grandma-looking caretaker and her hateful husband. He recognized the cartoon from Seth's TIVO and found himself chuckling at the dog's adventures. Courage. He could use some of that. 

Ryan waited until about noon to hit the minibar again. 

***** 

Summer was at the Cohen. Seth was floating in the pool and she was tanning on the patio beside Kirsten. Sandy and Luke were at the beach, surfing and Caleb and Jimmy were inside watching golf. Summer's phone rang. 

"Hello?"

"Hey. It's Ryan."

"Hey…how are you?"

"I'm cool. I'm lying in bed watching cartoons."

"What?" Summer smiled. "That doesn't sound like you."

"I'm just as surprised as you," Ryan laughed.

"Where are you?"

"At a hotel. Ridiculously close to you. You at your apartment?"

"I'm at the Cohens."

"Will you tell them I'm okay? I was going to call them later."

"You still should."

"I'm sorry, Summer."

"For what?" Summer had walked into the poolhouse and closed the door.

"For running off. I should've stayed and talked to you."

"It's okay."

"I didn't know how you felt."

"God, me either…I haven't had any close friends since high school and you and Luke…you guys are really important to me…"

"Me, too."

"But when I found you unconscious the other day…I realized how important you really are to me…I need you and God, Ryan…I want you…"

"Summer…"

"I want to take care of you and I want you to take care of me…"

"I can't even take care of myself right now…"

"You're running yourself too hard…Kirsten said you dropped out."

"I did."

"Why?"

"Because. I don't think I need it. I can't focus on that when…when I'm this tired."

"Tired?"

"I'm tired."

"How do **you** feel, though?"

"I'm tired."

"That's not a valid answer. That describes your physical state. How's your mental state?"

"Tired."

"Ryan…" 

"I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my mom, I'm tired of being responsible for Marissa's recovery and Trey's rehabilitation and Jimmy's guilt…I'm tired of having to take care of everything…I'm tired of being tired…"

"Then rest."

"I'm trying."

"Really?" Summer asked.

"Yes. But I miss you. I miss my life."

"You miss me?"

"Yeah."

"Like, the same way you miss Luke?"

"No, Summer…"

She smiled. "How do you miss me?"

"Summer…I can't be with you…"

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I don't want to lose you."

"What?"

"I can't explain it…"

"Try. Please."

"I have fucked up every relationship I've ever had…"

"Not everything was your fault. There's 2 people in a relationship, why let Marissa…"

"I don't want to talk about Marissa."

"Ryan, what I'm trying to say is that she wasn't right for you. That relationship was one sided…you deserve to be loved…I…"

"Don't…" 

"I love you, Ryan."

"You don't love me…"

"I know how I feel…"

"Summer…" 

"I need to know, Ryan, if you feel the same way…"

"Don't ask me to…" Ryan started.

"To what? Don't ask you to care? Don't ask you to feel?"

"Don't ask me do this right now…"

"Do what?"

Ryan sighed. "I care about you, Summer. You know that."

"Then come home. Let's try this."

"I told you. I can't."

"I can't accept that. I know I can make you happy…"

"Don't do this, Summer…" Ryan protested.

"Ryan…"

"I called because I don't want to lose you and because I needed a friend to talk to and you're giving me an ultimatum…God, Summer…I have to go…"

"I'm sorry…" Summer started.

"Me, too." Ryan hung up.

***** 

Summer was sitting on the bed in the poolhouse when Seth stepped inside. 

"Everything okay?"

Summer wiped her eyes. "Yeah. Sort of. Ryan's at a hotel. Watching cartoons, he said."

"And that made you cry?"

Summer sighed when he sat down beside her. 

"You love him," Seth stated. 

She nodded. 

"And he won't date you."

She nodded again. 

"He'll come around, Summer."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're a great woman. You're a true friend. Ryan's just having a shitty time lately. He's…"

"Really upset and I made it worse," Summer said.

"He'll come around Summer. He's just oblivious sometimes. He's been anti-dating for so long, he can't see past physical attraction. When someone actually cares about him…he doesn't get it."

"How do you know that?" Summer asked.

"Dad was telling me about it. About how girls want him but…he won't consider dating. Anyone."

"It just kills me to see him take those sluts home and…and I know he doesn't feel that way about me…but it still sucks, you know?"

"I'm sorry, Summer," Seth said. He put his arm around her. 

"Me, too."

***** 

Ryan went to the hospital a couple of hours after talking to Summer. He smiled at the nurses and a couple of them hug him. They recognize him because of his previously steady visitation of Marissa. One of the nurses had explained that Marissa's language skills had advanced to simple sentences during his absence. 

Ryan stepped inside Marissa's room. Marissa smiled widely and her large eyes filled with tears. 

"You back!" She said.

He gave her a silent smile. After talking to Jimmy, he knew that he had to see her. 

"Missed you…" She said as he sat down beside her bed. She reached over and took his hand, holding it with a smile.

"How are you?" Ryan asked.

"Good. Happy you came."

Ryan smiled.

"I'm sorry, Ryan," She said clearly, her eyes bright with intelligent. "Mad at me?"

"No, Marissa."

She smiled, satisfied. "Happy to see you."

Ryan didn't talk but Marissa seemed satisfied by his presence. He just wished it made him as happy as it made her.

***** 

When Ryan left, he ran into Jimmy in the parking lot. 

"Hey, kid. What are you doing here?" Jimmy gave him a friendly hug.

"I went to see Marissa."

"Really? Not because of me, I hope…"

"No, Jimmy. I needed to see her."

Jimmy notices Ryan's conflicted expression. "You want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"Whatever's eating you."

Ryan considered it. "Summer thinks she loves me."

"Summer's great. Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know. I thought we were friends."

"I'm sure you are."

"Then why fuck up a good friendship?" Ryan asked.

Jimmy leaned against Ryan's car. Ryan lit a cigarette. "Are you waiting for Marissa, Ryan?"

"No."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

"I'm not waiting for anything…"

"You deserve to be in love…do you love Summer?"

"I care about her…I hadn't thought of her like that…"

"And now?"

"I don't know. I think I could love her but…"

"But what?"

"Me and relationships don't exactly go together."

"You can't give up, Ryan. You're young. Most relationships don't work out. But if you don't take a chance you'll never get to experience the happiness of a good relationship," Jimmy said.

Ryan sighed.

"You think you'll hurt her?"

"I know I'll hurt her. And she'll hurt me. We just have to have enough love to make it through, though, right?"

"Yeah, Ryan."

Ryan was silent.

"What are you going to do?" 

"I'm going to take a nap. I'll see you later, Jimmy." 

***** 

Luke knocked on the door of the Cohen's and Seth swung it open. 

"Get your stuff."

"What?" 

"We're going to see Ryan."

"What?"

"Say what again," Luke said, imitating Samuel L. Jackson. Seth grabbed his jacket and followed him to the truck.

"Did he call you?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. He's crashed out at the hotel across town. He says he's been watching cartoons and pigging out on room service."

"How'd he sound?"

"Okay, I guess. I think he was drunk. Why?"

"Summer talked to him. She was pretty upset."

"She's in love with him," Luke stated.

"Yeah. And he shut her down."

"Sounds like Ryan," Luke assented.

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"Ryan and I try not to talk about that kind of stuff when we're sober. I mean, I'm all about having a few one-night-stands but not as a rule…I'd like more out of a relationship eventually.

"And he doesn't?"

"He doesn't want to make the effort. To get to know someone that intimately and have them know you…it's a dangerous investment with a history like his."

"I'll never be able to make up for what I did to him," Seth said quietly.

Luke glanced at him. "The fucker's already forgiven you. He forgives everyone except himself."

***** 

__

"There's a memory of a window, looking through I see you,

searching for something I could never give you

and there's someone who understands you more than I do

a sadness I can't erase

all alone on your face…"

--Third Eye Blind

Luke and Seth were passed out in Ryan's hotel room thanks to Trey's tequila. The four men had engaged in a brutal game of poker. Trey and Ryan were aficionados but Ryan had taught both Seth and Luke the tricks as well. 

Ryan had sent Trey home in a cab and arranged Luke on the bed and Seth on the couch. He got in his car and slowly drove to Summer's apartment.

It was raining and he'd forgotten his cell phone. Her lights were on. He got out of his car despite the rain and stood by his car. 

He was shaking with cold as he climbed the decorative trellis to her balcony. 

Summer came to the window. "Ryan?"

His hair was plastered to his head and his clothes were soaked. 

"You're shaking, come inside…my god…" She pulled him inside by his arm.

Ryan put his hand on her back and held her steady against him.

"Ryan, what…" She started.

He kissed her passionately. She couldn't breathe and he was trembling. His tremors ran through her as she pulled off his shirt. 

"Are you sure?" She panted as he fumbled with her buttons.

"Don't talk…"

"But…"

"I want to be close to you…" He whispered. 

They didn't make it to the bed. They made intense love where they landed. When Summer woke up the next day, she was alone. He had carried her to the bed.

***** 


	9. Nine

AN:  Okay here's a short update for self-preservation.  MAD PROPS AND THANX to Jo for helping me with this chapter, I couldn't have done it without you, you helped me bring it all together…and now, onto the story…

Caleb was surprised to see Ryan walking into the Newport Group offices early the next morning.  He knew that Kirsten and Sandy were worried sick about him and he was worried, too.  The kid looked like he hadn't slept in days.  He didn't go to his office, he lingered in the lobby.  He snagged one of the architects when he saw him walk out.

"Hey.  Is Ryan in there?"

"Mr. Nichols.  Morning.  Yeah, the kid's here.  Is everything okay with him?" Tom asked immediately.

"I don't know.  What do you think?"

"He looks like hell.  And it's like, he's tying up loose ends or something, he has the whole project outlined in there, and it looks great and all but…where's he going?" Tom asked.

"I don't know.  Thanks, Tom."

"If there's anything I can do, any of us, just let us know.  He's a good kid." Tom nodded and left Caleb alone.  

Ryan walked out with his laptop under his arm.  His eyes were lowered as he walked and he didn't notice Caleb.  

"Ryan.  Can I have a moment?" Caleb asked.  Ryan jumped, startled.

"Sure."

"Your parents are worried sick," Caleb said quietly.  He put his arm around Ryan and guided him out into the sunlight.

"The Cohens have been really great.  I'm going to call them."

"What's going on?" Caleb asked when Ryan didn't continue.

"Nothing.  I'm just taking a break," Ryan replied.  His gaze met Caleb's suddenly.  Caleb was surprised to see a flicker of pure pain in his eyes.  

"What's going on?" Caleb repeated, softer.

"Nothing.  Listen, Mr. Nichols…"

"Caleb, son, call me Caleb…"

"Caleb, I appreciate everything that you've done for me.  I loved working for you..." 

"Are you quitting?  Does Kiki know?" Caleb gasped, honestly surprised.

"I'm taking a break, Mr. Nichols and…"

"You need to go home and talk to Sandy and Kiki.  You need to get some sleep.  You need to rest.  If you promise to do those things then maybe I'll consider letting you take a break…" Caleb started.

Ryan shook his head slowly but Caleb didn't see anything in his eyes now.  He was chilled by the stoniness of the blue in the kid's eyes.  "It's not your decision, it's mine.  Thank you for everything." Ryan nodded his head respectively and walked away.  

Caleb pulled out his cell phone and dialed his daughter.  He got her voicemail.  "Kiki?  It's your dad.  Something's wrong with the boy."

***** 

Seth and Luke were gone when Ryan returned to the hotel.  He had several messages at the desk but he didn't call anyone.  He was taking care of it in installments.  He took a shower and sat down on the bed, feeling slightly better.  

He felt like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders.  He was really doing it.  He was breaking free.  He was out of school, out of work and he had given Summer and his friends one last night of 'fun'.  Now all he had to do was say goodbye to the Cohens and he would be free.  He would be free to finally disappear.  Once and for all.

***** 

Ryan knocked on the door of the Cohens later that evening and Rosa opened it with a wide smile.  She gave him a hug and clucked her tongue at him because he was too thin as she guided him into the kitchen.

Seth, Kirsten and Sandy were eating dinner and they all let out a hearty greeting for him.  He sat down across from Seth and accepted the plate that Kirsten put in front of him.  None of the Cohens wanted to immediately interrogate Ryan at the dinner table, not when he showed up willingly.  

Ryan was smiling and participating in the conversation.  He gave Seth some tips on navigating the campus on UCLA where he was going to start his application process for the spring semester the next day.  He told Kirsten about a funny incident at the Newport Group.  He told Sandy a funny story about his brother's probation officer.  Sandy and Seth were clearly impressed with Ryan's mood but Kirsten had a look of disbelief in her eyes.  After dessert, she got up and left the table.

"Did I do something wrong?" Ryan asked after a moment.  

"I'll go check on her," Sandy said immediately.

"So you ran out on us last night.  Where'd you go?"

"I couldn't sleep so I took a walk," Ryan shrugged.

"In your car.  At Summer's house?" Seth smirked.

Ryan sighed.  He should have known that Summer would tell someone.

"She said you left without saying goodbye," Seth remarked quietly.

"I hate saying goodbye.  Some things should be left unspoken," Ryan sighed.

Seth studied his friend's tired face.  "Are you really all right, Ryan?  Because it seems like you're in a pretty good mood considering the last couple of days you've had."

"I'm all right.  I know that everything's going to be okay now," Ryan nodded.  

"Really?  What's changed?" Seth asked after a beat.

"Nothing, I guess.  I just have a feeling that this will all be okay." 

Seth nodded, getting a strange vibe from his friend's calm voice.  

"I'm going to go lie down for a few minutes, okay?  I'm getting a headache."

"I'll tell Mom and Dad.  Don't run off without saying goodbye," Seth added.

"I'll stop back inside before I take off.  Tell Rosa that dinner was great."

Seth watched Ryan slowly walk to the poolhouse.  Ryan paused outside the smaller building and stared at it for a while.  

***** 

"Kirsten?  What's wrong?"

"Something's wrong.  He's sitting there acting like everything is fine but it's not.  Something's wrong, Sandy," Kirsten was crying when he found her in their bedroom.

"What are you talking about?  Sure, he looks tired but he's in a great mood…" Sandy started, rubbing her shoulders.

"And you think that's normal?"

"I don't know, Kirsten, but it's better than he's been lately…"

"Something's wrong.  My dad left me a message earlier.  Something's wrong, Sandy, I don't know how to explain it but this is all just wrong…" Kirsten started to sob.  Sandy didn't know what else to do, he believed her though.  If she was this upset, her motherly instincts couldn't be wrong.

***** 

Seth waited about a half an hour for his parents to return but when they didn't, he decided to check on Ryan anyway.  

Seth knocked on the door to the pool house. Ryan swung open the door with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a cigarette in the other. 

"Hey, man. What are you doing?" Seth asked after a beat.  His mom would kill Ryan if he found him smoking in the poolhouse.  

"Thinking." Ryan walked away and sat down by the bed. His blue eyes were distant and empty. Seth followed him and stood beside him. 

"Thinking? About what?" 

"About how to kill myself," Ryan replied in a monotone.

"What?" Seth asked, stunned. Ryan's voice was distant and soft. 

"Slitting my wrists just takes too long. I don't want to savor death. Hanging's like putting yourself up for display, like putting my pain up as an exhibit. Asphyxiation, like going to sleep in my car in a garage, that's just a punk way out. I don't want to go out like that..." 

"Ryan..." Seth started but Ryan continued, as if in a trance.  Seth couldn't move.  He was stricken and didn't know if he could even form words.  

"I could shoot myself, but that's just so damn messy and unreliable if I fuck up the angle. I don't want to spend the last few hours of my life fucked up on pills, so an overdose is out..." 

"Ryan, stop it..." Seth managed.

"I think I'd like to just float away. I think I'd like to just walk into the ocean and just sink..." 

"Ryan..." Seth started again. 

"Do you read Bukowski?" Ryan asked blankly. 

"What?" Seth asked, confused and chilled to the bone. 

" 'I think of guitars under the sea, trying to play music. It is sad and good and quiet'...that's where I want to be...where it's quiet again..." Ryan murmured.  There was no life in his eyes.  

"Ryan…you're scaring the hell out of me."

Ryan didn't respond. He took a long drag off his cigarette as it burned down near the filter. He let the smoke drift out of his nostrils, as his eyes remained locked on the horizon outside the window. 

"Ryan. Ryan, dude, talk to me…" Seth urged.

Ryan didn't respond. He put the bottle of vodka to his lips and drained the bottle.

"Ryan. Please."

"What are you doing here?" Ryan asked quietly, not looking at Seth.

"I'm worried as hell about you. Everyone is…"

"What are **you** doing here, Seth?" Ryan repeated. He met Seth's worried gaze with dull eyes. 

"I'm worried…"

"You don't give a damn about me, Seth. What are you doing here? You come to watch me die? Cheer me on?" Ryan asked coldly. "You want to tie the noose around my neck, Seth? You want to cut my wrists…" Ryan held out his wrists.

"Stop it!" Seth snapped. 

Ryan was silent.

"Let me get my dad, let me call Summer if you won't talk to me…" Seth started. He was shaking with concern. He'd never seen Ryan like this, he didn't know Ryan was capable of something like this. Ryan Atwood was not suicidal. Something was very wrong. "Let me help you…"

"This has nothing to do with you, Seth..." 

"It has to do with you so it has to do with me..." 

"I'm nothing to you, Seth, you don't need me, you don't want me around, you're just trying to placate your parents..." 

"Ryan, that's not true..." Seth gasped.

"Really? Are we friends now? Are we family again? Because I didn't get that memo." 

"Ryan..." Seth gasped, his friend's tone harsh. 

"No, Seth, you can't just come back and expect me to let you back into my life like that..." 

"When did you ever let me into your life, Ryan? You've never let me into your life..." Seth said, his emotions taking over. 

"Fuck you, Seth..." Ryan said flatly.

"No, Ryan, we need to talk about this..." 

"Why? What does talking solve?" 

"Dude, you want to die..." Seth whispered. He was emotional but Ryan was completely disconnected.

"I'm already dead..." Ryan replied. Seth reacted instinctively and slapped Ryan across the face.

"Stop it."

"It's true," Ryan murmured.  

"It's not true. You're alive and you have people that care about you, you have a family and friends and a girl that would die for you…" Seth started.

"She doesn't love me…you guys don't need me around…don't you understand? Don't you get it? This is not my life…it's my hell…" Ryan murmured. 

"Ryan, stop talking like this…"

"I thought you wanted me to talk…" Ryan snapped. "That's all anyone wants, it doesn't matter what I say, it's never what you want to hear, I never say the right thing…"

"Ryan, please…" Seth started but Ryan seemed to shut down. He didn't speak. He didn't look at Seth. His blue eyes were dead and empty. Seth sat down beside him and shook him. 

"Ryan, Ryan, snap out of it…Ryan…" Seth had tears streaming down his face

Ryan wouldn't look at Seth.

"Dude, you're so important to us, you're my brother, you're my best friend and you mean more to me right now than anyone else in my life…if something happened to you, I don't know what the hell I'd do…" Seth said, shaking Ryan by the arm.

Summer walked across the patio.  She glanced through the window and saw Seth talking to Ryan.  She didn't want to interrupt them, she knew that they had a lot of stuff to work out and she was glad to see them talking.  

"Ryan, Ryan, why won't you listen to me!" Seth was saying.  He had been talking to Ryan for several minutes but Ryan wouldn't respond at all.  It was like the off switch had been turned off.  He took Ryan by the shoulders and started to shake him.  

Ryan's eyelids were drooping and he didn't speak.  

"Goddammit, I won't let you do this to me!" Seth yelled suddenly, shaking Ryan violently.  He was so frustrated with his friend's unresponsiveness that he punched him suddenly in the face and blood started to trickle from his nose.  

"Seth, stop it!" Summer yelled, rushing into the poolhouse.

"Snap out of it!  Talk to me!  You can't do this, you don't mean it!" Seth was yelling.  He had pulled Ryan to his feet with in his furor and when Summer grabbed his arms, Ryan staggered and collapsed back to a sitting position on the bed.  

"What is wrong with you?" Summer demanded, shaking Seth this time.

"Summer…" Seth was crying.  

Summer was startled at the raw emotion and when she turned to see Ryan's reaction, he was gone.  The door to the poolhouse was still open and she saw his form disappearing around the edge of the main house.  

***** 


	10. Ten

**"I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom."** --Jack "Fight Club"

Ryan was sitting on the end of a pier. He was waiting for his moment of clarity.

He thought he'd had it when he decided to die. He hadn't slept in days. The insomnia was a curse at first but it had solidified his resolve. The only way to end his suffering. The only way to make everything stop.

But he was having second thoughts now and he couldn't shake them. Sandy's fierce concern for his well-being. Kirsten's joy at his acceptance into the family. Caleb's acceptance and Luke's loyalty. Jimmy's fatherly advice and Seth's comforting chatter. And Summer.

He had to find his resolve again. But until then he was waiting. Waiting for the best time to die.

When he'd decided to die, it was freeing. He didn't have to worry about anything anymore. He had put all his affairs in order. Like he was leaving for vacation. He'd visited everyone he cared about. He'd made peace with every part of his life.

His cell phone buzzed. He glanced at the display alerting him that he had a text message. His curiosity still was intact so he hit a button.

"Please. Stay."

Ryan hesitated. He should pitch the phone into the ocean and dive in after it. He would breathe the salt water. He would see the beauty under the sea. He would be calm like the water beneath the waves.

"We love you. Call." The phone flashed the new message and his hands started to shake.

He had to go. He was too tired to stay. His life was a burden. He had never been happy. He wasn't capable of being happy. He was a waste of a soul and he needed to return his cells to the earth so maybe it could make something useful.

"Please don't go."

It didn't matter who was sending the messages. He didn't care. He shouldn't care.

The phone rang suddenly. The sound was harsh to his ears and he dropped the phone into the roaring sea below.

Ryan sighed. He leaned forward and took a deep breath. He was so tired.

"Ryan." Luke's voice was a whisper.

"Yeah?" Ryan sighed, not moving. He kept his back to Luke.

"Will you do me a favor?" His voice was closer.

"Now?" 

"Please?" Luke was standing behind Ryan's seated form.

"What."

"Step back and talk to me, that's it."

Ryan didn't move. He didn't want Luke to see him jump. The crazy bastard might come after him. It might fuck Luke's head up like the accident had done to him. If he stepped back then Luke was sure to try and tackle him or something. He didn't move.

"Oh god…" Sandy gasped. 

"You guys totally ruined my moment," Ryan muttered. Sandy moved beside Luke but Luke stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"Ryan…is it really this bad? Are you really…is it that hard for you to stay? Because…because if it is…I won't stop you…" Luke spoke softly. Jimmy and Caleb appeared and they formed a semicircle behind Ryan.

"I just can't, Luke…" Ryan whispered.

"Won't you even try? For us? For Cohen and Sandy? For Kirsten? Fuck, can't you just try?" Luke's words were spaced between choking sounds. "I've seen you talk razors out of Marissa's hand; I've see you visit your mother and come home shaking; I've seen you stay up all night to work on Newport Group stuff when you have exams the next day…I know what you're capable of and I just can't watch you go out like this…"

"Shut up, Luke…" Ryan whispered.

"Please. Don't do this. I didn't know that it was this bad for you…but it might get better…" Luke said.

"It doesn't get better," Ryan replied. He didn't flinch when Luke gently put his hand on his shoulder. 

"There's still a chance." Luke sat down beside him and shuddered, looking down.

"I'm not going to jump tonight," Ryan whispered.

"If you don't plan on living, Ryan, then you might as well jump," Luke said.

"Luke…" Jimmy gasped.

"Then you know. You can see it…I'm already dead…" Ryan whispered, meeting Luke's gaze.

"No, dude, you just haven't started to live again yet…you're still caught up in Marissa's accident and your mom…you stopped living when your mom left you years ago and…and…you're not dead…" Luke urged.

Ryan returned his gaze to the horizon.

"When's the last time you did something completely for yourself?" Luke asked.

"I was going to walk off this pier tonight."

Luke shook his head. 

"What do you want me to do, Luke? Because if I knew what to do to stop all this, I would have already done it…I can't…I can't go on like this…I can't keep feeling like…feeling like I'm drowning in my own noise…"

"What?"

"I can't see a way out, Luke," Ryan whispered.

"Let us help you find an exit," Luke replied.

Ryan sighed.

"It's damned high here," Luke commented, looking down again.

"Sandy?" Ryan called, not moving.

"I'm here, son."

"I'll go wherever you want." Ryan slid back and slowly got to his feet. He staggered but Jimmy and Caleb each took an arm and steadied him.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Summer, Seth and Kirsten all jumped when they heard the front door open. "Sandy?" Kirsten called.

"We got him," Caleb's voice responded. 

They rushed into the den where Jimmy was lowering Ryan onto the couch. 

"He hasn't said anything since Luke talked him out of jumping," Jimmy said quietly as Kirsten sat down beside him and embraced him desperately. Ryan's eyes were glazed and unfocused and he was shaking. He clung to Kirsten. 

Sandy stepped in. Luke was nowhere to be seen. 

"Ryan…" Summer sat down beside him and Seth took Kirsten's vacated seat as she got up to check on Luke. 

"I think he should go to the hospital. Just until we can find out what to do," Sandy said suddenly.

"You can't lock him up in the mental institution, Sandy, let me take him to Aspen, I have a house there, he could get some rest and…" Caleb started.

"He shouldn't be up in the mountains all alone either, he should be around his family and his friends, he needs to know that we care about him," Jimmy interrupted.

Summer put her arm around Ryan and he slowly relaxed against her. She lowered his head to her lap and gently ran her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes. 

"I'm so sorry..." Ryan whispered. 

"Shh…it's okay now…we'll make it okay…" Summer urged. 

"Come on, let's get you somewhere you don't have to listen to this," Seth said quietly. Summer and Seth helped him to his feet and led him into the guest room.

When Ryan sat down on the bed, he started to cry. Summer and Seth wrapped their arms around him and rocked him gently.

"I'm so sorry…" Ryan murmured. 

"It's okay, now, Ryan. We won't leave you again…" Seth said, crying himself.

"You promise?" Ryan whispered as his sobs grew worse.

"We promise, Ryan…we're not going anywhere," Summer echoed.

////////////////////////////////////////

Sandy and Kirsten stepped into the guest room about fifteen minutes later. Ryan had fallen asleep with tears still on his cheeks and Summer was cradling him across her lap, not wanting to disturb him. Seth was sitting beside Summer with his arm around her. 

"What did you decide?" Seth asked quietly.

"There's a hospital…" Sandy started.

"He'll die if you lock him up," Summer whispered.

"He…he was going to jump, Summer. He scared Luke half to death, I can't even get him to come inside…he needs help that I don't think we can give him," Kirsten replied.

"Mom, those places are so scary, it'll be like jail to him," Seth said.

"Guys, we all agreed that this is best. We've talked to the counselors there and it's better than a regular hospital. He'll stay there alone for a few days so...in case he…"

"In case he tries it again," Summer whispered, her gaze locked on Ryan's sleeping face. 

"Oh god…" Seth said. "Someone has to call his brother."

"Luke took care of that. Trey's on his way over," Sandy said.

"So a hospital. You think that will help?" Summer asked.

"It has to. I won't lose him. Not like this. Not after all he's been through…" Kirsten said, tearing up. She walked out, unable to look at Ryan. 

"Are you guys okay in here?" Sandy asked.

"Yeah. We'll stay with him," Seth nodded.

"Let us know if he wakes up. Caleb and I are making the necessary arrangements. We want to talk to him about it as soon as he wakes up."

"Okay, Dad."


	11. Eleven

"I don't think we should've left him there," Summer said quietly. Two days earlier, the Cohens had committed Ryan to a highly regarded inpatient facility. He had gone willingly, strangely silent and obedient. The doctors had a mandatory 3 day isolation policy where Ryan wasn't allowed visitors. 

"He looked worse when we left him there that he did when he came off that pier," Luke agreed.

"He gets to make a phone call tonight. If he wants to come home, I'll go get him myself," Kirsten said. 

Summer, Luke and Kirsten were sitting around the kitchen drinking coffee. 

"He has to get better," Luke muttered. Summer squeezed his shoulder.

"Has anyone heard from Trey?" Sandy entered.

"He called. Seth went to pick him up," Kirsten replied, accepting Sandy's kiss.

Trey hadn't taken the news of his little brother's breakdown very well. He didn't go with them to take him to the hospital but showed up, drunk, after Ryan was gone. Luke and Seth had carried him to the poolhouse and listened to his tearful confessions. Trey said that he hadn't done enough for Ryan growing up and that Ryan had always pulled his ass out of the fire. He said that if Ryan wasn't strong enough to break free of their mother's damage that it would be his fault for not helping him more. Trey had insisted on going to work and promised that his relapse was over and that he hadn't taken drugs. He called today and Seth was gone to bring him back to the Cohens. 

"I'm going to drive over to the hospital today," Sandy announced.

"What? Is everything okay?" Kirsten asked immediately.

"Yeah, it's fine, but Caleb, Jimmy and I…we changed our minds. He shouldn't be there. Caleb's got specialists flying in from around the country…" Sandy sighed.

"Oh, Sandy," Kirsten sighed.

"Specialists in what?" Luke asked.

"Psychologists, psychiatrists. He's got an expert in post-traumatic stress, an expert in depression, an expert on child abuse, he's got like 20 doctors coming to his office to discuss Ryan's case…" Sandy replied. "He's going overboard but…but I can't tell him not to try."

"So, you're going to get Ryan?" Summer asked.

"I'm going to try. He signed himself in and they might not let me sign him out…" Sandy answered.

"Who's going with you?" Luke asked.

"I want to go," Kirsten said immediately.

Sandy nodded. 

"Don't take Jimmy," Luke said quietly.

"I wasn't," Sandy acknowledged.

"Why? Ryan loves Jimmy…" Kirsten mentioned.

"Every time Ryan sees Jimmy…he sees Marissa…" Summer whispered. "He'd never admit it but…I think Ryan thinks Jimmy is only using him to help his daughter."

Kirsten sighed.

"It's not true, but…I think the guilt between them is just a little too thick," Sandy agreed.

"What about Seth?" Kirsten asked.

"He wants to wait here for him. He said that he thinks Luke should go," Sandy replied quietly.

"I want to go. But I don't think I should," Summer said quietly.

"It might be good for him to see you. He was the most relaxed with you the other night," Kirsten replied.

"I just…I don't want to put pressure on him…I don't want him to think that I'm expecting him to be in a relationship with me just because…" 

"But you care about him, Summer. I think it's okay…" Luke said.

Summer met Sandy's gaze. "What do you think?"

"I think you're one of the biggest reasons he didn't jump, Summer. But I think he knows you're here for him even if you don't come with us," Sandy replied honestly.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sandy and Kirsten were with the director of the clinic while Luke and Summer were pacing in the lobby. A nurse approached them.

"The director's still meeting with your family," The nurse said, unclear on the relationships of the group. "But he says that you can see Mr. Atwood."

"Yeah? Well, lead the way!" Luke said. He put his arm around Summer and they followed the nurse.

She led them down a carpeted hallway to a large sunlit room. Scattered patients were seated around the room but they didn't see Ryan amongst them.

"He stays in his room if we let him," The nurse said when she didn't spot Ryan. 

"Sounds like Chino," Luke muttered nervously. 

The nurse continued through the room to another hallway. She stops in front of a room. 

"There are no doors on these rooms," Summer realized. 

"We put doors on them at night. He's in here," She smiled.

Ryan was sitting in an armchair with his knees drawn against his chest. His eyes were closed and a book was opened and pressed against his chest. He was sleeping. The nurse walked over to the window and opened the blinds, flooding the room with sunlight. 

Ryan stirred, lifting the book and laying it across his face. "Why do you hate me, Emma?" He mumbled, trying to escape the brightness.

"You need light, kid. And you have company," The nurse replied.

Ryan lowered the book suspiciously and saw Summer and Luke standing beside him. He smiled. "Hey, guys…"

Summer didn't wait for him to stand up before pouncing on him in an enthusiastic hug.

"Summer, did you miss me?" Ryan laughed quietly, returning her hug.

"Was that a laugh?" 

"I'm drugged stupid," Ryan smiled. He kept an arm around Summer and reached out to shake Luke's hand.

"You actually look good, man," Luke said slowly, confused.

Ryan's eyes were bright but they both recognized a strange dullness in his eyes. His pupils were wide despite the sunlight.

"Like I said, drugged stupid." Ryan sat down. "They've shot me so full of shit that I can't even tell time…"

"Ryan…" Summer gasped.

"They said that I'm sleep deprived so they gave me a sedative and then I had a nightmare so they gave me a tranquilizer, too and that's plus the antidepressants and appetite inducers and muscle relaxants and painkillers…" Ryan paused and his eyes dimmed. "Damn, I'm babbling like Seth."

"We're getting you out of here," Luke said suddenly.

"I feel great, I mean, I'm loopy right now but I'm better, like, I feel good," Ryan said with a sideways smile.

Summer took his hand and pushed up his sleeve to reveal a bruised wrist. The skin was raw.

"I had a nightmare, that's all…they say I sleepwalk so they strapped me down," Ryan said, pulling his arm away.

"Oh, hell no…" Summer snapped. "You're coming with us, I'm not leaving you hear another second…"

"Summer?" Kirsten and Sandy stepped in, alarmed.

"Look at his wrists, Kirsten…"

"Hi, guys," Ryan smiled, standing up and embracing the bewildered Kirsten. She took his hands, worried, and saw his bruises.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine…I didn't mean to scare you all…" He smiled.

"What's wrong with you?" Sandy asked, concerned by Ryan's mood.

"He's fucked up on their drugs," Luke said.

"You guys are overreacting, I'm good…" Ryan said.

"You're coming home with us, Ryan," Sandy stated after a long pause.

Ryan sat down again, a lost expression on his face. His dazed blue eyes searched the floor for a moment and his face was laced with confusion. "I thought…I thought you wanted me to try this, I mean…"

"We don't want a zombie, Ryan, we want you to get well…" Sandy whispered, affected by Ryan's hurt expression.

"I'm trying…" Ryan murmured, his mood having shifted to depression in an instant. 

"This isn't the right place. Ryan, look at me," Luke said seriously. Ryan met his gaze, guiltily. "You know this isn't the right place for you, right?" 

Ryan sighed, covering his face for a moment.

"Do you honestly want to stay here?" Luke continued. 

"No…but what else?" Ryan murmured.

"We'll figure it out. Where are your things?" Summer asked gently.

"They took them. The nurse should have everything," Ryan replied.

"Shoes?" Kirsten asked, seeing the slippers on Ryan's feet. 

"The nurse should have them. Shoelaces are more dangerous here than in jail," He whispered. Kirsten sat down on the arm of his chair and put her arm around him. He leaned into her gentle embrace.

"We know you're trying, Ryan. You just need to try something else now, okay?"

"Okay," He whispered, closing his eyes.

Ryan slept soundly between Kirsten and Summer on the ride back. Kirsten shook him gently once they arrived back at the house. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We're home," She smiled.

"Thanks."

"You hungry?" Sandy asked as they stepped out of the Range Rover.

Ryan hesitated.

"Honestly, Ryan," Luke urged.

"I'd like to sleep a little longer," Ryan said.

"Okay, kid," Sandy nodded.

Summer looped an arm around Ryan's waist. "Mind if I take a nap, too?"

Ryan put an arm around her waist in response. "I'd like the company."

Inside, Trey is asleep on the couch. Summer led Ryan into the poolhouse and they find Seth asleep on the couch. 

"No one's gotten much sleep lately," Summer whispered.

"Sorry," He smiled sadly. He sat down on the bed. 

"Lie down. I'll wake you if you have a bad dream," Summer promised.

"Thanks."


	12. Twelve

_AN: Shortest update yet, I think. But here's something to show everyone that I'm not dead and neither is Ryan. (I'm not that evil yet.)_

"We should let him sleep…" Sandy was saying.

"He needs to eat something…" Kirsten replied.

"You said the doctors said he was sleep-deprived…" Seth contributed.

"He's had 10 hours of sleep…" Kirsten objected.

"Summer's still asleep, too…"

"We're all tired but this isn't normal…" Kirsten said.

"I'm awake," Ryan said quietly. Summer was still asleep on the bed beside him. Seth, Sandy, Kristen, Jimmy and Caleb were standing around the bed.

"Hey, kid," Sandy smiled.

"I didn't mean to take such a long nap. What's going on?" Ryan asked. He sat up on his elbows.

"You've been sleeping like a dead man…" Caleb said without thinking.

Ryan laughed at their startled expressions. "It's cool. I'm up."

Seth offered him a hand as he got to his feet. "You okay?"

"Got a headache…hangover almost…" Ryan said, steadying himself by clasping his hand around Seth's wrist.

"Trey and Luke are inside eating all the food so we thought we should get you while there's still something left," Seth said.

"Relax, everyone…let's go inside. Let Summer sleep," Ryan said.

"We can bring it to you…" Kirsten offered.

"It's cool. I should see my brother if he's here…" Ryan said, giving her a sad smile. "It's okay."

Kirsten put her arm around him and walked beside him.

"Hey, kid," Trey gave Ryan a brotherly hug.

"Hey. You okay?" Ryan patted his brother on the shoulders. "You look stressed…"

"Fuck you, man. You okay?" Trey asked, concerned.

"I'm cool. I'm under orders to eat."

"You're awfully chipper…" Luke muttered.

"Well, I didn't consult my post-suicide attempt handbook to find out the proper etiquette…" Ryan snapped.

"Chill, man…" Trey said, surprised at Ryan's quick anger.

"What do you want from me?" Ryan asked, walking over to Luke.

"I want you to stop tiptoeing around everyone and be honest," Luke snapped. He stood up and faced Ryan down.

"Boys. Stop it. You're friends. You're both adults. Stop acting like children," Kirsten scolded.

"You need your ass kicked," Luke said quietly to Ryan.

"Yeah, well, you'd know best, I guess," Ryan muttered, turning away.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Luke asked. He reached out to touch Ryan's shoulder but Ryan spun around defensively and stepped back.

"Just relax, Ryan…it's cool, okay?" Seth said, calmly. Ryan's gaze settled on him. "Come here." Ryan walked over and sat down with a sigh in the chair Seth was holding out.

"Thanks," Ryan mumbled.

"Everything's cool. There's no drama in the champagne room," Seth said.

"I think you've got your rules confused," Luke replied.

Seth shrugged. "Whatever works."

------------------------------------------------------

Ryan hadn't had a moment to himself since his shower earlier in the poolhouse. He inhaled deeply and relaxed, leaning against the side of the poolhouse. He slid down until he was almost sitting.

He pulled out the cigarettes he'd snatched from Trey earlier and lit one. He took a long drag and let himself relax. He started to shake. He'd been holding himself together in front of everyone and this is the first chance he's had to relax.

They meant well. Kirsten and Sandy. His friends. He had to get better for them. They were trying so hard.

But he was not feeling better.

It was harder now. His secret was out. Not that his depression had been a secret. But everyone knew that he'd given up. That he couldn't do this.

It had been so long since he had let himself feel anything. It hurt too much. He'd shut down his emotions so he could survive and now he was paying the price. He had reached critical mass and he was melting down.

"Klepto."

"Fuck you," Ryan replied, tossing Trey the pack of cigarettes.

"Kirsten's voracious about the cigarettes, huh?" Trey sat down beside him.

"Yeah."

Trey lit his cigarette. "Well, she's right, though. You shouldn't smoke."

Ryan nodded. "I know."

"I'd ask if you were okay but you'd probably punch me."

Ryan nodded again.

"So, what do you want to do? Do you want me to go?"

"It's cool."

"Okay."

They sat in silence.

"The Cohens, they're all about the talking. I guess we never learned that skill at our house," Trey said quietly.

Ryan shrugged.

"I know I wasn't around much…"

"Trey."

"No, man, let me try this talking thing…"

Ryan sighed.

"Okay?"

Ryan waved his hand noncommittally.

"Okay. I'm the big brother. I should have helped you out more…"

"I'm not your responsibility."

"You're a kid…well, not anymore. But you were a kid and you had no one…"

"I did fine, Trey."

"Dude, the Cohens are awesome. But our parents…they fucked us up. Two years with the Cohens can't erase the rest of your life."

"What are you trying to say, man?"

"I'm sorry."

"Okay, you suck. I already knew that," Ryan replied, attempting to joke.

Trey laughed nervously. "I hate seeing you like this. It's not you…"

"Yeah, man. It is me. This…bullshit…it's all me," Ryan sighed.

"Kid…"

"Did you ever think…think that maybe Mom and Dad were right all along?" Ryan asked quietly.

"What?" Trey gasped.

"That I am a failure. That I'm weak and…"

"Stop, Ryan. Mom and Dad…they're mean…they said those things to fuck up your head…"

"They're our parents, Trey. We came from them."

"Damn, man…you're really on this? Damn…I mean, they're our parents but we're not them…" Trey paused, trying to phrase what he's thinking. "We take certain things from them, chemically or whatever, but you're a unique person. You're Ryan J. Atwood and I can promise you…you're nothing like Dawn or Dad. You…you care about people other than yourself, you're smart and…"

"Sorry I asked," Ryan muttered, holding up his hand to stop Trey.

"Dude, Mom and Dad have nothing to do with you. You have to let go of all the bullshit they fed you."

"I know. But sometimes…no matter how hard I try…it's like I'm still proving them right…" Ryan whispered.

"Stop trying to prove something and just live…" Trey whispered. He nudged Ryan gently with his elbow. "Stop doubting yourself. Shit happens but we don't let it keep us down."

"Who told you that?" Ryan snorted.

"You did," Trey grinned.

"Really? Huh. I really am full of shit."

"I know. But you pulled my ass out of the fire…now get up and come inside."

"I think I'm going to sit out here awhile," Ryan replied as Trey stood up.

"Okay. But don't…don't freak out. Give these people a chance to help you. Let somebody help you for a change."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kirsten, Sandy and Seth had all gone to bed when he returned inside. Luke had taken Trey back before going home.

Summer had her back to him, focused intently on her history book as she sat at the counter. She didn't jump as he slipped his arm around her.

"Hey," She smiled.

"Studying?"

"Unsuccessfully," She replied.

"I think we should probably talk," He said quietly.

"Are you up for that?"

"I hope we'll still be friends after having a conversation," Ryan smiled.

"Okay. Let's go outside."

On the patio, they sat down in parallel pool chairs.

"What's up?" Summer asked. He took her hand and they sat, connected.

"I owe you an explanation."

"For what?"

"I…I came to your apartment…"

"I remember."

"And I knew how you felt…"

"If you tell me that it didn't mean anything, Chino…" Summer's eyes flashed with anger.

"No, Summer…it meant something…it meant everything…" He started quietly.

"Ryan…"She gasped.

"Chill. Let me talk," Ryan smiled. "What I'm trying to say is…I care about you…more than a friend, but…but I can't be with you…"

"What?"

"Just hear me out, Summer…I need to put myself back together and…and I have to do it alone…"

"No, baby, let me help you…"

"Summer, I can't depend on you right now, I have to do this myself…I won't let you be my crutch… I have to do this myself so when I'm ready…and if you're still here…I'll maybe be a whole person and not …and not just a bunch of pieces."

"But…"

"I just wanted to tell you…so you'd know that…that you mean a lot to me…"

"Ryan…"

"Stop. Just listen…" Ryan interrupted but Summer leaned over and kissed him. He tried to pull away but she continued to kiss him.

"I'm listening," Summer breathed.

"Summer, stop…"

"You deserve to be happy, don't I make you happy?" She said between kisses.

"God…yes…but…"

"Then get up…let me give you some happiness tonight…"

He let her pull him to his feet. "Summer, this is a bad idea…"

"No, it's the best idea…I want to make you happy, Ryan…even if it's just for tonight…" She said, pulling him into the poolhouse.


	13. Thirteen

_AN: Someone asked me where I got the song lyrics from in the first chapter, sorry for not answering, I totally forgot. All the lyrics in this fic so far are by Staind unless otherwise cited. _

_"I force myself through another day   
Can't explain the way today just fell apart like everything   
Right in my face   
And I try to be the one   
I can't accept this all because of you   
I've had to walk away   
From everything   
  
I'm afraid to be alone   
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone   
I'm afraid to come back home "_

_ --Staind "Home"_

Sandy walked into the poolhouse to check on Ryan before he went out surfing for the morning. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped. He recognized Summer's mop of brunette hair splayed across Ryan's bare chest. Ryan was sleeping peacefully but Summer's eyes were trained on Ryan and her fingers were gently running through his hair.

Sandy really liked Summer. She understood Ryan and Seth more than he could ever hope to. He was their father and that would always be a barrier in truly understanding the boys. As a father, he would be proud to have her with either of his sons. But she seemed to do wonders for Ryan. Ryan hadn't shown genuine affection for anything since the accident. He'd been in stasis. But he had fun with Summer, actual fun. But Sandy didn't think that this was the best time for him to start a relationship. Ryan simply wasn't strong enough right now to handle the arguments and petty relationship issues.

"Sandy…" Summer noticed his presence and flushed red.

"Can I talk to you?" Sandy asked quietly.

"I'll be right out," She agreed.

Sandy walked out and sat down on the patio. Summer emerged dressed in her clothes from last night.

"Hey. Sorry about that…"

"About me finding you or about sleeping with Ryan?" Sandy asked evenly.

Summer let out a ragged breath. "I think I made a mistake."

"Summer."

"He came to me last night and he told me that he cared about me…that he wanted to be with me but he couldn't…he said he wasn't ready and that he wanted to be okay first…and I just…I was so fucking happy that I couldn't think…I just wanted to make him happy, Sandy…" Summer had obviously been stewing over the previous night's events for a while.

"At least he's thinking…he's trying, Summer…I think you're great, you're good for him and he needs friends and people that care about him right now but…don't you think the timing is off here?"

"I know…I'm sorry…I want to talk to him when he wakes up…but he's sleeping so well and I don't want to wake him…"

"It's okay. I guess you guys can make it work. I just wish you had waited until he was stronger…"

"Maybe I can make him stronger…"

"He has to do it himself…you know how he is, he's totally independent…"

"That's what's so wrong about all of this, he's always been totally independent and we've let him be like that but it's not working. If he doesn't start to let people into his life…he's not going to make it…" Summer whispered.

"I…I don't know how to help him, Summer…Caleb's got some doctors coming over today but…but I don't think it's going to make him feel any more comfortable here after we put him in front of a panel of doctors, it sounds more like he's on trial…" Sandy confessed.

"Just ask him, Sandy. The way he was talking yesterday, he's starting to shake himself out of this. He's actually thinking about what he wants and how he can get better…"

"I'll talk to him. You want to go change?"

"Yeah. I'll see if I can get Ryan awake."

"Thanks."

Sandy didn't think anything had been resolved from their conversation but at least he knew that Summer was trying to do the right thing. He trusted her to take care of Ryan. If he'd let her take care of him, that was more trust than he'd given anyone else.

Summer stepped back into the poolhouse. The bed was made and steam was coming from the bathroom from Ryan's shower. She sat down on the bed to wait.

Ryan walked out slowly with a pair of sweatpants on. She knew immediately that something was wrong.

"Ryan?"

"I have to lie down…" He whispered.

"What is it? Are you all right? What's wrong?"

"Can you get Sandy for me? Please?"

She nodded. He sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. He was shaking again. She hurried to the main house to get Sandy.

"He's awake and he needs you, something's wrong…" She said and Sandy was beside her immediately.

He swung open the door to the poolhouse. "Ryan?"

"Too loud…" Ryan murmured, still sitting in the same position that Summer left him.

"What is it?" Sandy asked.

"Headache…migraine…" He replied.

"Oh…can you make it inside?" Sandy's face is pale with realization. Ryan's migraines are notorious. He's supersensitive to light, sound and smell. The only relief he has been able to find in the past is staying completely still in a pitch dark room.

"It's too bright…" Ryan murmured. His blue eyes are pale with pain.

"It'll be worth it, Ryan, you know that the poolhouse is too bright…" Sandy urged.

"I don't know if I…I can't really see…" Ryan admitted. Summer was stunned. Sandy knew that the pain affected his vision as well.

"I'll help you. I'm right here…" Sandy helped him to his feet and steadied him. Summer automatically took his free arm and together, they guided him out of the doors and toward the main house.

"Wait…dizzy…" Ryan pulled away from them and fell to his knees on the patio.

"You're almost there, kid, just hang on…are you going to be sick?" Sandy asked gently. Ryan nodded. He had his eyes closed and he was deathly pale.

"Summer, can you go get Kirsten for me?" Sandy asked quietly.

"Of course." She rushed inside.

Ryan seemed to recover without getting sick. He was shaking.

"Better?"

"This fucking sucks…" Ryan whispered as he accepted Sandy's help to his feet.

"Let's get you inside."

Sandy led Ryan into the house and noticed that Ryan had his eyes closed. He was simply letting Sandy lead him as if he were blind.

Kirsten knew right away that Ryan was sick. "Headache?"

"I'm taking him to the guest room…"

"Okay." Kirsten followed them into the guest room. She turned on a small lamp and closed the blinds and the curtains. Summer had waited in the kitchen, unsure of how she could help. She let the Cohens take control because they seemed to know exactly what they were doing.

"Lie down." Sandy released his arm and he sat down. Slowly, he curled up on the bed. Kirsten handed Sandy a prescription bottle. The only time they ever forced him to take something for his pain was when he had migraines. Otherwise, he'd be paralyzed with pain. Even with the medication, the migraines could last up to three days.

"Try to keep these down, Ryan. They'll help, okay?" Sandy offered him the pills.

Ryan blinked but clearly was having trouble focusing. Finally, he held out his opened hand and Sandy dropped the pills in his palm. Ryan swallowed them and curled up again.

"We won't bother you, Ryan. We'll check on you in a few hours…" Kirsten said quietly.

"Thanks…" Ryan murmured. He had his eyes squeezed closed tightly as they turned off the lamp and filled the room with darkness.

Ryan didn't sleep. This migraine was the first one he'd had in months. He thought he'd gotten over them, that he had recovered enough from the accident and was free of this crippling agony. But when he got into the shower this morning, he'd felt the familiar stabs of pain in his temples and the black throbbing spots in his vision. He'd barely been able to pull on his pants and make it back to the bed and tell Summer.

He knew that he needed to start thinking about what he was going to do, but the pain was too much and he was stuck. Sandy had put a towel under the door in the hallway to keep out the light that might leak in through the crack.

"Ryan? Are you feeling any better?"

Kirsten walked in tentatively.

"No," Ryan said honestly.

"Is there anything I can do?" She didn't turn the lights on as she sat down beside him on the bed. He realized that she'd turned all the lights off in the hallway as well.

"No…" He shuddered.

"Do you want some more medication?"

"It's not helping…it just hurts…"

"Oh honey…" She ran a hand through his hair and the slight motion caused him to shudder in pain.

"I'm so tired…"

"I know…I'm sorry that you have to go through this…but it'll pass…"

He nodded. He wanted to believe her.

"So there's nothing you need?"

He didn't answer immediately.

"Ryan?"

"Will you stay with me? Just for a little while?"

"Of course."


	14. Fourteen

Sandy knocked on the bedroom door quietly a few hours later. The doctors had arrived, along with Caleb and Jimmy for Ryan's evaluation. Once they found out about Ryan's migraine, the discussion had turned to his pain management. Summer had volunteered that Ryan's residual pain was a source of his unhappiness and the doctors were going over his medical files more thoroughly.

Kirsten opened the door and stepped out.

"How is he?"

"He's sleeping right now. He asked me to stay with him…"

"He asked you to stay?"

"I was just as surprised as you. I don't think he wanted to be alone…how's it going with the doctors?"

"Loud. It's a good thing he's in here," Sandy replied. The gathered people were on the patio having discussions.

"I think he should try and eat something. But I don't want to wake him. Could you ask Rosa to make up something light?"

"Of course. You think he's going to be able to keep anything down?"

"He's not as sick as he has been in the past, like, he's not throwing up as much…"

"Good."

"I'm going to keep sitting with him," Kirsten said. She stepped back into the room.

---------------/---------------/--------------/---------------/--------------------/----------/

Ryan was still in the same position that she had left him, but his breathing was rapid and irregular. He was awake.

"Honey, are you all right?"

"I don't think so…"

"What's wrong?"

"I'll do anything to make this pain stop…anything…" He whispered.

"How can I help, Ryan? What do you need?" She asked, sitting down and pulling him across her lap. Her motherly instincts were kicking into overdrive and she would do anything to make him better.

He was shaking and his entire body was tense. "I don't…"

"Stay right here…" She went into the bathroom and got a washcloth. She cooled it under the tap and returned to the dark room. She laid the cool cloth across his eyes and began to massage his head.

"Is that any better?" She asked after a pause.

"A little…thanks…"

"Do you want to try and eat something?"

"Do you think it will help?"

"Maybe. It shouldn't hurt," She replied. "But just lie here a while, okay? Let's try this…"

-------------/---------------/------------/-------------/----------/-------------/-------------/--------/

"How is he?" Summer asked Sandy as he walked back into the kitchen.

"Kirsten said he was sleeping. How are you doing?"

"I…I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could do something for him."

Sandy put his arm around the smaller girl. "He knows you're here for him. That's all you can do right now."

"I know…"

Seth and Luke walked in. "What's up?"

"Why don't you guys go out for some dinner? You guys all need a break," Sandy suggested.

"I don't want to leave…" Summer started.

"He's having a migraine, right? He's not going to be mobile for a while, Summer. They're pretty brutal. Come on, you need to work on your tan," Luke said, putting an arm around her. "And afterwards, we can go down to Sylvia's to unwind."

"You'll call us if he…" Summer started.

"Of course. I'll call you if he gets up or anything."

-------------/---------------/--------------/-----------------/--------------------/------------/

"Hey. How do you feel?" Kirsten asked.

Ryan sat up. "Better. How long have you been here?"

She was curled up on the loveseat beside the bed. "I stayed with you. You've been asleep a few hours."

"Thank you. My head's better."

"Good. I want you to take something anyway."

He nodded. "Okay. I'll get a shower and try to eat something." Kirsten walked over and handed him some pills and he swallowed them obediently.

"There are clothes for you in the bathroom."

Ryan showered and dressed. His migraine had faded into a pounding ache and a nagging nausea but he could see and tolerate light again.

He stepped into the kitchen and joined Sandy and Kirsten.

"Where is everyone?"

"The kids are out," Sandy started.

"That's good. I don't mean for my depression to be contagious," Ryan smiled.

"Caleb's doctors came by today."

"What's the verdict?"

"We want you to stay here awhile. Be with your family. Not like a prison, you'll have the same amount of freedom that you've always had but…you'll have a support system and you can keep working things out with Seth…" Kirsten began.

"And we want you to talk to someone. Someone outside the family so you won't be worried about our reactions to what you say. A fresh perspective," Sandy added.

"I'm listening," Ryan nodded.

"What do you think?"

Ryan shrugged. "I'll try it. Sounds reasonable."

"That simple?" Sandy asked surprised.

"I don't have anything to lose."

----------------/-------------------------/--------------------/---------------------/--------

Ryan answered the phone so it wouldn't ring by his ear again. "Hello?"

"Ryan?"

He could barely hear Summer over the background noise. "Yeah?"

"Hey, are you better?"

"Yeah, are you drunk?"

"Yeah…by any chance, could you come get us?"

"What's up?"

"Luke picked a fight and Cohen, the dumbass, tried to get his back and now they won't let us drive home…"

"Where are you?" Ryan was amused.

"The regular place. Sylvia says she won't let any of us go anywhere until you show your face. All your little bar sluts are worried about you…"

"Summer…"

"You're all sluts!" She yells in the background.

"I'm on my way."

--------------------/---------------------/-----------------------/--------------------/--------

Ryan parked the car on the curb outside the bar. He got stopped by the bouncer and three different ladies on the way inside, all inquiring about where he'd been.

Finally, he made it to the actual bar. He had three ladies approach him all at once and he couldn't remember any of their names.

"I'm sorry, but I'm looking for my friends…"

"Please don't tell me that little bitch is your girlfriend," The blonde woman with her hand on his ass cooed.

"Who're you calling bitch, whore?" Summer's hand slapped the woman's face hard and Ryan had to physically pull Summer away from the woman. He pulled her into a corner and when he released her, she slapped him across the face.

"You're like a little man-slut, Ryan!" She said, slurring her words.

"Where's Luke and Seth?" Ryan asked, knowing that he had no excuses. He had slept with a lot of these women. The lack of emotional involvement wasn't really something to be proud of either.

"Our fucking hero has arrived," Luke said, walking up and leaning on Ryan. His face was bruised but Seth looked worse. He had a cut lip and two black eyes.

"Damn, man…"

"You never did teach me to fight," Seth muttered.

"He is seriously unskilled in the backup department," Luke agreed.

The three friends were drunk. "You guys ready?" Ryan asked. The music was a little louder than he could tolerate and he'd promised the Cohens that he'd be back within the hour.

"Ryan! Where the hell have you been?" Sylvia threw her arms around him.

"Get your paws off him!" Summer snapped but Luke stopped her from swinging.

"You're little friend's a little jealous. Violent, too."

"Sorry. I'll take them home…"

"Not without an explanation. What's going on? You…you dropped off the world and that's definitely not acceptable…"

"I've been a little under the weather…"

"You do look like hell. Anything I can do?"

"Thanks, but I'm okay."

"He's full of shit, that's what he is," Luke muttered.

Ryan glared at him and took him by the arm. "Thanks for not calling the cops, Sylvia." Seth and Summer helped each other stagger out of the bar behind Luke and Ryan.

Luke shook off Ryan's assistance once they were outside. Ryan could sense his friend's tension. He was in for an argument or a fistfight.

"What?" Luke snapped when he realized that Ryan was watching him.

"You seem like you have something you want to say to me," Ryan replied evenly. He wasn't going to get angry. He didn't have the energy or the emotion left to get angry.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do," Luke snapped immediately. He approached Ryan and towered over him. "You're such a fucking punk…"

"Okay."

Luke was so frustrated by Ryan's emotionless response that he pulled his arm back and punched Ryan in the face. After a second, he realized that unlike their battles in the past, Ryan didn't retaliate. He had been knocked back by the blow and was wiping the blood from his face.

"Dude…I'm sorry…"

"You want another shot?" Ryan held out his arms, offering himself to Luke.

"No…"

"No, man, take another shot. You want to hit me? Go ahead, I won't fight you…" Ryan said.

Luke was stricken. "No, Ryan…I'm sorry…"

"So we're good?" Ryan asked again.

"Yeah…" Luke whispered, too confused by Ryan's mood to respond.

"Let's fucking go." Ryan popped the locks and got into the driver's seat.


	15. Fifteen

Luke was silent in the backseat with Seth. He hadn't meant to get violent but he was so frustrated with Ryan and the alcohol had only fueled his frustration. He'd never seen his friend this twisted up and the fact that he wouldn't talk to him or ask him for help was tearing Luke apart. Luke wanted to help him but he couldn't even read Ryan anymore. He had to do something, he had to make Ryan listen and the only thing that could get through to him was pain. But Luke shouldn't have hit him.

Summer was staring at Ryan as he drove. The alcohol in her system had fueled her emotion as well. She was happy to see him out of bed and functioning but she couldn't get the night's events out of her mind. Those women all asking Luke about him. Touching him. Kissing him.

"What?" Ryan asked, glancing at her. His face was pale and his face was swelling slightly.

"Did you sleep with all those women?"

Seth smiled. "Dude, you're busted."

"Did you?"

"What do you mean, all of them? Who?" Ryan sighed.

"Those bitches at the bar…they kept asking Luke about you and they had their hands on you…"

"Summer…"

"You let them touch you…" Summer whispered.

"What are you talking about? You weren't even here, we weren't even together, we're not even together now…" Ryan replied, defensive. His head was pounding again and the black spots were creeping into his vision as he drove.

"But how could you do that? Sleep with them…doesn't it mean anything to you? Doesn't the sex mean anything?"

"No, it didn't…it meant nothing," Ryan stammered.

"How could you do that? How could you be like that?"

"God, Summer, give the kid a break…" Luke started from the back.

"Don't defend him, you were kicking his ass, like, 2 blocks ago…" Summer snapped.

"I won't let you dog him for that, those women knew what they were getting into, he didn't trick any of them, he was up front about everything…" Luke defended.

"It's just sex…" Ryan muttered.

"Not helping your case," Seth added.

"I just…seeing all those women, all those fucking sluts asking about you, they all are worried about you…they all want you, Ryan and…" Summer was saying.

Ryan pulled the Range Rover into the driveway with a screech of tires. He had his hand covering his face.

"Dude?" Seth called. He could sense that something was wrong.

"Fuck…" Ryan muttered. He pulled his hand away from his face and they could see blood on his hand. His nose was bleeding sluggishly.

"Ryan…" Summer gasped.

"It's nothing," Ryan muttered. He stepped out of the truck and staggered slightly as he closed the door.

"You're bleeding…" Luke said, stepping out.

"Well, you fucking hit me…" Ryan muttered. "You guys better straighten the fuck up before the Cohens figure out how wasted you are…"

"Ryan…" Summer was at his side now but he flinched from her touch.

"Don't touch me…just step back…" Ryan said. The punch from Luke had brought his migraine back in full force. He was going to be sick.

"Don't touch you? You'll let those bitches touch you but you won't let me touch you?" Summer snapped suddenly. Seth grabbed her arms as Ryan staggered away from her voice and fell to his knees.

"Summer, he's in pain, just stop…" Seth urged. He knew she was too drunk to know what she was doing. He pulled her away from him.

Luke was beside Ryan now. He wasn't angry. He wasn't frustrated. He was worried. He'd hit Ryan and made everything worse. "Ryan? Ryan, come on…let's get you inside…" He put his arm around Ryan and lifted him unsteadily to his feet.

"I'm going to be sick…"

"I'm just helping you to the bathroom, buddy, come on…" Luke urged. He staggered to the door and was relieved when Sandy swung open the door.

"What happened? He was fine when he left…" Sandy said immediately, taking Ryan's free arm and helping him into the guest room.

"We kind of got into it…"

"Not his fault," Ryan murmured as he staggered out of their grasp into the bathroom. They could hear him retching.

"Dammit, Luke, are you drunk?"

"Yeah…I'm sorry, Sandy…"

"You called Ryan to come get you because you were drunk? God, Luke, he's in no shape…"

"I know, things just got out of hand…"

"Out of hand?" Sandy snapped.

Summer and Seth joined them in the hallway.

"Things got out of hand, Luke, why don't you explain that to me? Ryan's been so fucking sick that he can't even get out of bed and you still decided that he would be the best person to come and get you out of a bar fight?" Sandy was incensed. Kirsten pushed past him and closed the door to the guest room behind her.

"I called him, Mr. Cohen…" Summer admitted.

"Why?" Sandy demanded.

"Sylvia, she wouldn't let us leave and she wanted to see Ryan…" Seth joined in. They were all in trouble.

"What the hell are you kids thinking? Ryan…" Sandy started.

"How the hell were we supposed to know he'd come running out there?" Luke asked, the alcohol igniting his temper again.

"Ryan would do anything you asked him…" Sandy snapped.

"I know that, and I'd do anything for him…"

"Like punch him in the face?"

"At least I'm doing something!" Luke retorted. "I had to do something…"

Sandy's face twisted in anger. "He's in enough pain…"

"I know that. I know that better than anyone. I've watched him crucify himself for other people as long as I've known him and I promised myself a long time ago that I'd never fucking push him…"

"You think I'm pushing him?" Sandy snapped angrily.

"Goddammit, everybody's got these fucking expectations for him! He's just a man!" Luke yelled.

"Luke…" Seth vainly tried to get Luke to relax. Summer was too stunned to react.

"No, Seth, this is bullshit! Ryan's always so fucking concerned trying to please everyone, he wants to make you proud…"

"I am proud of him," Sandy reacted.

"Does he know that? Does he know that he doesn't have to live up to these expectations that he doesn't even have for himself? God, the kid's mom always told him he was trash, and he still turned out…he turned out okay, he knew that it wasn't true but he's still trying to prove it to everyone else…"

"I have never thought he was trash…" Sandy whispered, red with fury.

"No, he's just a charity case to you, a fucking experiment, to see if you could rescue one of the little delinquents and make him be a good person, well fuck that, Sandy, Ryan's always been a good person, he doesn't need your validation," Luke snapped.

Sandy slapped him impulsively and the sound echoed in the hallway. Luke didn't move.

"Shit…" Summer whispered finally.

The door to the guest room opened and Kirsten stepped out. "If you're going to argue, do it somewhere else. I mean it. Get out of this hallway, take it outside…" She closed the door behind her.

"Luke…" Sandy whispered.

"No. I'm sorry."

"I shouldn't have hit you…"

"I deserved it. I'll leave," Luke turned.

"You can't drive, man…and your car's not here, either," Seth said quietly.

"You should stay in the poolhouse," Sandy whispered.

"I was out of line, I won't…"

"Luke. I think everyone's on edge. Just go get some sleep. We can both apologize tomorrow," Sandy said.

"I get the bed, you get the couch," Summer said to Luke and pulled him into the kitchen. Seth didn't even look at his father as he walked past him up the stairs. Sandy turned to go into the guest room and found that Kirsten had locked the door.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ryan, stop…stop, Ryan…you have to relax…Ryan…" Kirsten was close to panic. Ryan's migraine had returned with double fury and she couldn't get Ryan to respond to her at all. He had staggered out of the bathroom when she'd returned from scolding her husband, but he'd stopped dead in his tracks. He sat down before she could get to him and now was curled up in the corner of the guest room, shaking. He had his hands clasped over his face and despite the darkness in the room, he was suffering. He was rocking himself.

She crouched beside him, pulling at his wrists but he wouldn't remove them from his face, he was fighting her, trying to stay hidden.

Sandy and Luke had finally stopped yelling and it was quiet. They'd started out years ago with only one child, but they'd somehow ended up with Luke, Summer and Ryan under their wing as well. Sandy could yell at Luke because he was a part of the family.

"Ryan, please…"

"Just leave…please…" He murmured finally.

"I just need to make sure you're all right, honey…look at me, let me see your face, okay?"

He lowers his hands slowly and clenches them. He was in so much pain. His eyes weren't even focusing on her, he was distraught.

"Ryan?"

"I can't stay here…they're fighting about me…it doesn't matter what I do…it's never right…"

"Ryan, that's not true, no one's angry at you…"

"Luke, Summer, Sandy…they're all mad…I don't want to hurt anyone anymore…Kirsten…" He whispered as he covered his face again.

"Oh, Ryan…honey, it's not like that…"

"I just want it all to stop…" He whispers.

"Okay, Ryan…what can I do? How can I help you?"

"It hurts…too bright…"

"I'm going to stay with you, okay? Can you get up? Can you get into bed?"

"Hurts…"

Kirsten couldn't let him stay in the floor, she had to get him up. He recoiled at first, but finally accepted her help getting to the bed.

"I'm going to get the washcloth, okay…it helped before…"

"You don't have to…"

"Yes, I do. I'm not leaving you right now…I promise…I'll be right back, okay?"

She knew that he wouldn't be able to talk to her, she doubted that through his pain he even knew how much his words had affected her. She wouldn't leave him. And as soon as he was feeling better, she was going to fix this.


	16. Sixteen

_"Scratched and torn I lay here in pieces   
Craving all of your deadly vices   
Like to think that I'm not addicted   
But I guess I wear it well   
  
And I crawl   
While you spit   
And I crawl   
Through you   
  
Here I am now   
Not a lot has changed   
Nothing' better   
Everything's the same   
  
Late at night I can hear your voices   
Talking shit about all my choices   
You would think you've known me forever   
Just because you know my name."  
  
--Staind "Crawl"_

__

__

Summer was sitting in the kitchen when Kirsten emerged.

"How is he?"

"He finally fell asleep…"

"You've been in there for hours," Summer replied.

"His headaches," Kirsten sighs. "They're pretty intense."

"Can I help?"

"He thinks you're mad at him."

Summer flushed. "I was pretty drunk last night."

"Can I ask you what happened?"

"Why I got drunk?"

"No, Summer. I thought you guys were…"

"It was the bar," Summer said quietly. "All those women at the bar, they kept asking Luke about Ryan…every time we turned around there was another girl…"

"Oh, Summer…" Kirsten shook her head disapprovingly as she poured her coffee.

"And when he got there…they all went over to him…like flies after honey, they just swarmed him…" Summer added.

"Summer…are you guys even together like that? For you to be jealous?"

"No…I know…but…but I love him and…I just went all possessive and even though he says that they don't mean anything…but there were just so many…and he just used them…"

"You weren't here, Summer. Ryan has been coping with so much and he has his own way of dealing with life. The women…they're part of that and we can't judge him…"

"Can I see him?"

"I don't think so. He's sleeping and I don't want to disturb him," Kirsten replied. "And when he wakes up…I don't want him to get upset…"

Summer looked at Kirsten guiltily. "You don't want me to upset him."

"Honestly? I'm not letting anyone near him until I have a talk with him. Not Sandy or Luke or Seth or Jimmy…"

"Kirsten…"

"I think we're suffocating him, Summer. He's doing all this for us, he doesn't care about himself…and he has to be the one to pull himself out of all this…" Kirsten said.

"You can't just…not let us see him…"

"I want to talk to him first, that's all." Kirsten put her coffee mug in the sink. "You should get some rest."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryan slept fitfully throughout the morning. Finally, around noon, he woke up from a nightmare with a gasp.

He felt better despite the dream. He was clearer.

He saw Kirsten asleep on the small couch.

He sat up. She had been here all morning. She started to stir.

"Hey," She yawned. "How do you feel?"

"Better. Didn't mean to keep you up all night."

"No problem. I just hope I helped."

"You did," Ryan said. He could see that something was on her mind.

"Ryan…I want to talk to you."

"Okay." He owed her for staying.

"I don't know if being around everyone here is good for you. I think you're so busy trying to please everyone that…that you're not getting better."

Ryan was silent.

"Ryan?"

"I'm listening."

"You don't have a response?"

He sighed, covering his face. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. It was like nothing he did was the right thing and he wasn't getting better fast enough.

"I want to take you away from here," Kirsten said quietly.

"I thought I was supposed to stay here and meet with the shrink…" He said slowly. She didn't want him around, she knew that he was upsetting her family.

"I…" Kirsten started, surprised.

"I'm stressing everyone out, right?"

"That's not what I meant…"

"No, you're right. I shouldn't be here, it's not good for anyone."

"No, that's not what I mean, Ryan, I just think that you need some time away from all of this…"

He sighed heavily. "I've tried that, Kirsten. I left, you remember. And now I've stayed. I've been to the hospital and nothing has worked. To have you say this now, before I've even met with the doctor…"

"Ryan, I just…"

"You don't know what to do," Ryan said. "I'm going to get a shower…" He started to get up.

"We're not done talking yet, Ryan."

He sat back down.

"I want to take you on a vacation…"

"No," He said immediately. "It's not fair to your family…"

"You're a part of my family…"

"You shouldn't leave. I'm the one that has to go."

"I won't let you go alone, you've taken my offer out of context…" She protested.

"Kirsten. I've done everything you and Sandy have asked of me. And it's too much, for you guys and for me. It's not going to get better."

"Ryan, wait a second…"

"I have a friend that wants me to come visit."

"A friend?" Kirsten asked, surprised.

"I need your help, though."

"Ryan…"

"She's already researched some doctors for me…I haven't told her I'd come…she just keeps offering…"

"You haven't said anything…"

"It's nice to have someone just for myself. She's not in love with me, she doesn't care about my past or my future…she just cares about me. She's a good friend."

"Who?"

"I don't want to run away…but I don't want to tell you either," He replied.

Kirsten shook her head. "I won't help you. Not without knowing who or where…."

"Please. I have to be the one to fix this. There's nothing more that you can do…trust me. Can't you just trust me?"

Kirsten looked into his sad blue eyes and knew what she had to do. "Your phone's in the drawer by the bed. Do you need money?"

"You'll…you're going to help me?"

"I trust you."

"I don't need money."

She sighed again. Sandy was going to kill her. "It's between us. I won't tell the others yet. But I need you to be absolutely positive that this is what you want."

"I have to do it."

She sighed. "Make your arrangements."

Kirsten left Ryan alone and told everyone to give him time. A few hours later, she knocked on the door and let herself inside.

"Hey. Everything okay?" She asked him, sitting down beside him on the bed.

"My flight leaves in 3 hours. I need to go pack," Ryan said.

"Wait a second, you're taking a flight? How far are you going?"

"Kirsten, it's safe. Did you tell them?"

"Not yet."

"Thank you."

"You can thank my by getting better."

He gave her a hug. "I'll call you tomorrow…"

"You'll call me when you get to the airport and when you land…"

He smiled. "Deal."

"And try and keep your phone on, Ryan. You'll have a lot of people trying to talk to you once I tell them that you're on vacation."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Kirsten, how the hell could you do this?" Sandy demanded.

"We talked about it…"

"Ryan is no capable of making rational decisions right now…" He snapped. "And you just let him get on a plane to god knows where…"

"Last night, when he heard you guys fighting, it was like…I could see him blaming himself…he's not getting better here, Sandy, and seeing everyone getting so riled up about him, it's just making it worse. He's not getting better and he's pretending to try and please us…he needs to do this, I trust him…"

"You did not see him on that pier…"

"I know he needs help. I just thin he needs to get help without all this pressure…"

Sandy was frustrated. "We're going to lose him…"

"He'll come back to us, Sandy. He's trying…he just has to try something else."


	17. Seventeen

Ryan stepped off the plane and was relieved that the long trip was over.  He hadn't freaked out but he had sat, tensed, for the entire flight. 

He was exhausted.  Besides the time zones and connecting flights, he'd been traveling for about sixteen hours. 

It was cold when he walked out of the terminal onto the busy sidewalk.

"Ryan!  I can't believe you actually came!  It's been so long!"  He heard her voice before he saw her.  He embraced her genuinely. 

"You look so sad…well, kid, we're going to get you cheered up in no time!"

"You're picking me up in a limo," Ryan smiled when he turned to see their ride.

"Hey, you know me, I always travel in style," Gabrielle smiled. 

She was as beautiful as the first time he saw her in the Cohen's backyard.  She held open the door for Ryan and he climbed inside as the driver took his bags from him.

"So, kid.  What's on your mind?"

"I'm so fucking tired from that trip, I don't understand how you can hop around the world all the time," He remarked.  She was considered a 'supermodel' now.  But they'd been friends for so long that it didn't matter to him. 

"Well, you get used to it.  But New York's home now.  You get any sleep?  Did they feed you on the plane?"

"Stop nagging…" He groaned as she pulled at his shirt to examine him.

"I'm just getting started, kid.  I'm going to keep you so busy that you don't have time to be depressed.  We're headed to my place…"

"You live in a hotel, Gaby," He teased.

"The penthouse, Ryan, there's a difference.  Anyway, after that, I'm introducing you to your counselor and then I'm taking you shopping…"

"Shopping?  I'm exhausted, Gaby…"

"But you need a tux."

"A tux?"

"Yes.  I have to make an appearance at a premiere tonight and you didn't think I'd leave you all alone your first day in New York, did you?"

----

"Kirsten?"

"Hey.  You called."

"I promised."

"You made it there okay?"

He was sitting on his bed in Gaby's penthouse.  He'd called Kirsten before he left LAX but this was his first call today. 

"Yeah.  Airports suck.  How's Newport?"

"I'm in a lot of trouble."

"Sorry.  I'm fine.  It's nice here." Ryan glanced up and saw Gaby cleaning out the minibar and refilling it with juice and milk.

"What are you doing?"

"My friend is making me drink these gross protein drinks.  She thinks I'm thin."

"Where are you?"

"Kirsten…"

"Because your friend sounds like someone I'd like to meet."

Gaby stood in front of him and tapped her watch.  "The doctor's on her way up."

"Did she say doctor?  Are you okay?"

"The shrink.  This isn't a vacation…"

"I need to know where you are.  I'm having second thoughts."

"I thought…you said that you wouldn't ask…"

"Who is she?" Kirsten asked.  Gaby was standing beside him. 

"You didn't tell them you were coming?  Oh, Ryan, give me the phone…" Gaby demanded, startled.

"Hang on, Kirsten," Ryan sighed.  He handed the phone to Gaby and sprawled out on the bed.

"I can't believe he didn't tell you," Gaby said into the phone.

"He said he had to leave.  This is Kirsten…"

"I'm Gabrielle.  We've actually met…"

"Really?"

"It's not important," Gaby said quickly.  "But he's in New York staying with me in my penthouse."

"And you got him a doctor?"

"The best I could find.  And I'm going to keep close tabs on him."

"How close?  He's not…"

"I know what happened.  He told me.  He's not here because we're lovers or anything, he's here because…"

"He needs space."

"I'll take good care of him.  Let me give you my numbers…"

"Gaby, don't.  Please," Ryan said quietly. 

"Kirsten, Ryan's worried."

"I won't give them out, he has his phone with him.  It's just for emergencies."

"Okay." Gaby gives her some phone numbers. 

"Thank you.  Can I talk to Ryan?"

"Sure."

"Yeah?" Ryan retrieved the phone.

"I love you."

"Me, too."

"Call me tomorrow."

"Okay."

-----

Ryan met the doctor and was impressed by her ability to get him to talk.  She didn't have his file or his family's introductions, he was simply a patient.  He was actually her only patient.  She was a highly paid and exclusive psychologist and Gabrielle had found her on sabbatical in New York and convinced her to take on Ryan.

After their initial meeting, Ryan felt slightly better.  The doctor hadn't tried to shove pills at him or make him go to AA, she'd just listened.  Gaby hadn't given him a chance to recover before taking him shopping and then to the premiere.

Ryan enjoyed the party.  He didn't know anyone there, not even the celebrities, and was satisfied to be Gaby's escort for the evening, as decoration. 

By the time they got back, he was exhausted.  He fell into his bed and barely registered his phone buzzing.  He put it to his ear.

"Yeah?"

"Hey."

"Hey, Summer.  How are you?"

"Sad."

"I'm sorry."

"Me, too.  I blew it…"

"No, you didn't.  The timing's off…"

"But the timing's on with that girl?"

"What?" Ryan asked, rolling over. 

"Sorry."

"She's a friend, that's it, Summer," He sighed. 

"We're not exclusive…" She started.

"Summer, don't…"

"But…"

"I'm not romantically involved with anyone, Summer.  Not even you.  I'm not capable right now.  I'm sorry.  But when I am…you're the only one I'm thinking about…but I cannot do this now.  I can't handle it…"  He was speaking quietly but Gaby had heard his voice and was standing in the doorway, concerned.

"God, Ryan…"

"Summer, please…"

"I know it's wrong, I know you're not ready but I love you and…"

"I can't talk to you."

"Ryan, wait."

"No.  I'm sorry.  If you want to talk about anything except this, if you want to accept that all I can give you is friendship right now, then give me a call.  If not, I'll see you when I get back." He flipped his phone closed.

"You okay?" Gaby asked.  "You're shaking."

"I always shake."

"You didn't shake tonight.  You seemed like you relaxed a little…"

"I did.  It's cool…"

"Who is she?"

"Can I just go to sleep?" Ryan asked.

"No.  Who is she?"

"Summer.  The girl I told you about?  Came back into town and was one of my best friends…"

"And then she turned on you and said she loved you.  Ah.  That girl." Gaby sat down beside him on the bed.  "She won't give it up?"

"I think I love her, Gaby.  But I'm not ready to be what she wants…I can't be with anyone right now…" He whispered.

She gave him a reassuring hug.  "Get some sleep, kid.  I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks."

------

Ryan had been gone 3 days when Jimmy came by to meet Sandy and Kirsten for lunch.

"I need to apologize," Jimmy said as they sat down.

"Why, Jimmy?" Kirsten asked.

He sighed.  "Marissa…she's more like her mother than I ever knew.  She's…cold.  I never realized, I mean, she's my daughter…"

"Jimmy, what are you talking about?" Sandy questioned.

"She's mean.  I'm sorry for ever coming to Ryan about her, I know I've said it before, but I always thought…I mean, she's my daughter."

"Ryan loved her.  You didn't force him to do anything, I'm sure you're overreacting."

Jimmy shook his head.  "No.  She slept with Seth and all those boys to hurt him.  He'd never admit it to me, but she did.  She admitted it."

"She's not the same since the accident," Kirsten offered.

"No.  I believe her.  She's not a good kid.  I'm not giving up on her, but I don't want her to see Ryan.  Ever again.  How is he?"

"Still AWOL," Sandy said.

"He's in New York," Kirsten nudged Sandy disapprovingly.

"Really?  With Anna?"

"Have you ever heard him talk about a 'Gabrielle'?" Sandy asked.

Jimmy choked on his soda.

"Jimmy?"

"Gabrielle.  Damn," Jimmy laughed.  "You don't remember her?"

"Has he dated her?" Kirsten asked.  "Because she said that we've met, but I can't place her."

"Ryan never dated Gaby," Jimmy responded.  "But she dated someone else in your family."

"Seth?" Sandy questioned.

"No.  Caleb," Jimmy said.  "She kept Ryan from hooking up with Marissa for the first time.  He told me about it one night when I was with him in the hospital.  She was…"

"The model.  Are you serious?" Kirsten was pale with realization.

"That little bastard…" Sandy laughed.

"They're…she was with Ryan?  Back then?"

"Oh, no, nothing that serious.  He's really guilty about it.  He never mentioned that they were still friend," Jimmy remarked.  "I hope I didn't get him in trouble."

"At least I have a name to go with the face," Kirsten smiled, flushed.  "And I knew he was…mature with the ladies."

"I had put my money on Rachel, but Luke said…" Jimmy stopped midsentence.  "What?"

"Rachel?  Rachel from work?" Sandy gasped.

"I'm not talking anymore…" Jimmy was red with embarrassment.

"It's definitely been an informative lunch," Kirsten laughed.

"I'm going to have to have a talk with him about his choice of partners…and how they shouldn't be older women that he meets through us," Sandy started.

"Or Caleb," Kirsten added.

"Exactly," Sandy agreed. 

"But he's okay?" Jimmy asked.

"He likes his doctor there.  Gaby…she keeps him busy and he's eating and…he says he feels better."

Sandy sighed.  "He sounds more relaxed."

"He's not drinking?"

"He says no.  He said Gaby cleaned out the minibars in the hotel and the limo."

Jimmy laughed.  "The limo?  Yeah, he sounds like he's doing better."

-----


	18. Eighteen

"Hello?" Ryan answered his phone absently.

"Hey, man."

"What's going on Luke?"

"Not a damn thing."

Ryan stopped and leaned against a parking meter and lit a cigarette.

"Cohen is such a shitty substitute for you.  He doesn't do anything athletic or rowdy, he won't even fight with me, he just curls up in a little ball…"

Ryan laughed.  "You're trying to fight with Seth?  Dude, he's…"

"Yeah, I know.  He's Cohen."

"So, you're bored?"

"Hell, yeah.  School sucks," Luke said.  "How's New York?"

"Cold.  Busy."

"You're loving it, aren't you?"

"I feel good, Luke.  I miss home, but this is nice."

"So what's going on?   What have you been doing?"

"I see my doctor twice a day…"

"That often?"

"Seems that Gaby didn't tell her that I tried to walk off a pier, but its okay.  And I have to go to yoga, man, it's insane."

"But?"

"The ladies in there can bend…"

"Dude…do you wear a leotard?"

"Hell, no," Ryan laughed.  "Only loose sweats for me…"

"That's blackmail material."

"I'll kick your ass…" Ryan replied. 

"Damn, what else?"

"I've worn a tux every night, dude.  Gaby makes me go out…"

"Who the fuck is Gaby, man?"

"She's a friend.  I've known her a couple of years."

"And you've never mentioned her or introduced us?"

"She's pretty busy.  She's just a friend…"

"Is she hot?"

"I'm sure you've seen her, man, stop bullshitting," Ryan said.

"Where?"  Dude, Kirsten hasn't even told us her name, we just got New York."

"I'm not explaining it to you, just ask Seth about Gabrielle."

"He's on his way and you better believe that I'll be asking.  So…you're really okay?"

"I'm dealing with things.  And…I feel better…physically."

"Really?  Your back…"

"Is manageable.  I can breathe, Luke, and it's not the fucking weather, cause it's fucking cold…"

"That's awesome, man."

"How's Summer?"

"She's okay," Luke replied.  "She's pissed off at herself."

"What?"

"For pressuring you."

"Luke…"

"I know, man.  It's complicated.  I think you're doing the right thing.  She knows, too."

"I hope so."

"You asked, man.  I didn't want to bring you down…"

"You didn't, I'm just decaffeinated.  I'm on my way for coffee."

"I'll call you later."

"Thanks," Ryan flipped his phone closed and resumed his walk.

Someone grabbed his arm suddenly and spun him around.

"Fuck!" Anna Stern embraced him.

"Anna?"

"Seth's right, you're thin!" She said.  "How are you?"

"Good, good…"

"I do talk to Seth, you know," She said.

"You want some coffee?"

"Of course," She said.  She linked arms with him and they went to the coffee shop a few feet away. 

Once they were seated, Ryan asked, "So what do you know?"

"Well, you're depressed.  Seth's upset.  You're in New York on vacation…"

"Yeah.  I've been having some emotional issues," Ryan smiled sadly.

"It happens to the best of us," She acknowledged.

"I'm seeing a doctor here…"

"Why not home?"

"I really freaked out, Anna.  Tijuana style."

Anna was startled. 

"And everyone is stressing out, I mean, Luke and Sandy were arguing and Summer, she's just worried pissless and I…I don't want them to go down with me…"

"What kind of logic is that?  You left all the people that you need to get through this…"

"I'm the one that has to deal with the.  I went to a hospital, I stayed at the Cohens, I went to a hotel, but…"

"This is working?"

"Yeah.  It's been a long time since I was by myself, like, without having any roles to fill."

"It looks good on you," Anna smiled.  "So where are you staying?"

"The penthouse at the Royale."

"That's Gabrielle's Steven's place…"

"Yeah.  She's an old friend."

"Whoa.  You know her?"

"Yeah.  It's a long story.  How do you know her?"

"I'm going to NYU for fashion design and she's like the top runway model in the world…"

"I forgot you were into fashion.  She's got this show tonight…"

"The Calvin Klein show?"

"Yeah.  She thinks it's bad for me to stay in when she's out.  I'm sure I can get you in, if you want to go."

"I could kiss you…"

"Please, restrain yourself, I'm in enough trouble," Ryan laughed.  "But we'll be backstage.  I'm Gaby's assistant."

"Her assistant?"

"I zip up her dress and hold her bottled water," Ryan grinned.

"Would it be okay?  I mean, can you just invite me?"

"Sure," He shrugged.  "She watches me like a hawk, but I get pretty much anything I want."

"I have nothing to wear…"

"Well, while I can't help you there, I can tell you that you'll need evening wear too.  If you're a designer, maybe you should wear something you designed," Ryan suggested.

"I'm not that advanced, man, I'm a freshman…" She grinned. 

"Well, I'm supposed to take Gaby coffee and if you want to come up and meet her, you're welcome," Ryan said.

"So you're just hanging out with this supermodel all day," Anna smirked.

"I have things to do, too.  I see a shrink twice a day, I go to the gym and shopping…"

"Uh huh.  You hang out with a supermodel all day," She teased.

Ryan's cell phone buzzed and he glanced at it, recognizing Gaby's number.  "There she is.  I'm late, she's probably sending out the dogs for me…"

"You seem okay, Ryan.  You don't seem…suicidal…"

"I'm better now," He said quietly.  "I feel better."  He ignored her concerned expression and answered his phone. 

"Where are you?"

"I'm having coffee with a friend…"

"You're not allowed to pick up women, Ryan!" She scolded.

"She's an old friend from Newport.  She wants to tag along tonight, if that's cool."

"I have to meet her first.  Bring her up with my latte," Gaby said.  "And hurry.  I need caffeine."

"Okay, thanks." He flipped the phone closed.  "Well, now you have to come up.  She wants to meet you.  Do you have somewhere to be?"

"Absolutely.  I'm meeting Gabrielle," She smiled. 

Ryan got Gaby's coffee and escorted Anna back to the hotel.  He took her up the elevator and into the spacious hotel room.

"Ryan, I told you about picking up women while you're here, Kirsten would kill you," Gaby teased as he entered with her. 

"Says the supermodel I'm staying with," Ryan smiled, kissing her on the cheek chastely.  "Gaby, this is Anna."

"Anna.  Anna that used to go out with your brother?  Nice to meet you," Gaby shook her hand with a smile. 

"And you.  I had no idea Ryan hung out with the stars," Anna smiled.

"He didn't tell you the story of how we met?" Gaby grinned.

"Not again," Ryan rolled his eyes.  "I'm going to go get a shower before Dr. Harrison gets here."

"So, you know Ryan from Newport?" Gaby asked.

"Yeah, I went out with Seth for a while.  Ryan's a pretty quiet guy, so I didn't get to know him as well as I should have," Anna confessed.  "But he's a friend."

"I met Ryan right after he moved to Newport.  I was dating Caleb…"

Anna gasped. 

"And I had a little crisis back then and I totally tried to molest Ryan when I saw him.  Anyway, we kept in touch after that, he was just so wise for his age…he's like an old soul."

"So…you hit on Ryan when he was, like, sixteen, and you've kept in touch for the past two years?  Wow.  He's never mentioned you."

"Ryan doesn't mention anything.  We'd call each other, email and letters but I think he liked having a friend all to himself.  I mean, I've heard all about the Newport drama but I'm not directly involved, you know?"

"Yeah.  So you guys…" Anna raised an eyebrow suggestively.

"God, he's such a little hottie, isn't he?  But no," She smiled.  She lowered her voice.  "He's having a really hard time.  His family, they mean well, but he takes everything so seriously and he just couldn't be there right now…"

"What happened?  I mean, I know about the accident with Marissa and his recovery but Ryan…he said he tried to commit suicide?  That's totally not Ryan," Anna whispered.

"I know.  But he's really struggling with his depression.  If he had called me, I would have went and got him, but he doesn't know how to ask for help.  He seems better here."

"How long's he staying?" Anna asked.

"I don't know.  As long as he needs.  He's really been there for me and I won't let him destroy himself.  What about you?  What are you doing here?"

"I go to NYU and I ran into him on the street.  Seth's worried sick about him and he said he was in town, but I hadn't seen him until today.  It's a big city, you know?" Anna smiled.

"It'll be nice for him to have another friend around.  He's not really social at the parties I've been taking him to.  So, you want to come to the show tonight?"

"Is it okay?  I'm majoring in fashion design and it would be so awesome if I could go," Anna replied.

"Ooh, a scholar," Gaby grinned.  "No problem.  You can be Ryan's assistant."

"What do I assist him with?" Anna asked.

"Well, he's pretty popular backstage.  I think his ass was bruised from where all the people kept pinching him," Gaby replied.  "You can help him beat off his admirers."

------

Anna was awed at the bustling backstage of the fashion show but she carried herself graciously.  She stuck close to Ryan, keeping her arm linked with his while they followed Gabrielle and her 'entourage'.  She had a makeup artist, a hair stylist, a fashion consultant and a bodyguard and Anna was surprised to see them all joking and treating Ryan like family. 

Gabrielle hadn't lied about Ryan's admirers either.  Every few minutes, he'd jump and blush and Anna would see men and women walking away from him and eyeing him up and down.

"Excuse me, are you his manager, because he'd be perfect for this show in Milan next week," A well dressed man asked Anna.

"He's not a model," Anna laughed.

"Can I discover him?" The man gasped.  "He's a little short, but he's got flavor…"

Ryan rolled his eyes in embarrassment. 

"Jules, he's with me, so back off," Gabrielle warned.

"Gaby, I'm disappointed," Jules said, taking Ryan's arms and spinning him around to examine him.  "He's gorgeous, you should have him working by now."

"Hands off the merchandise," Anna said as she rescued Ryan and pulled him back to her side.

"Ryan's not for sale," Gaby echoed.  Ryan was silent.

"He's just your latest toy?" Jules grinned.

Ryan jumped as Jules slapped his ass, walking away.  "That's it, I'm going outside…"

"I'll come with…"

"I'll be okay, you can stay." Ryan disappeared before she could protest.

"He'll be okay," Gaby said.

Ryan stepped outside onto the street and lit a cigarette.  He flipped open his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Sandy."

"Hey, kid.  What's going on?"

"Not much.  I'm at this fashion show and…it's not really my thing…"

"Ah.  Bored?"

"All these guys keep feeling me up…"

Sandy laughed. 

"It's a little surreal.  I needed to hear a familiar voice."

"How's New York otherwise?"

"I'm okay.  I'm pretty leveled out actually.  Ran into Anna today, she's inside."

"That's good.  Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Gabrielle…you hooked up with her when she was here a few years ago?"

"Damn, Sandy.  We kissed.  Became friends.  We were never…intimate."

"What about Rachel?"

"Ouch," Ryan said after a pause.  "Who have you been talking to?"

"She's your lawyer, Ryan," Sandy said.  Once Sandy and became Ryan's guardian, he turned over Ryan's case to Rachel to avoid conflict of interest. 

"I'm sorry, Sandy…shit just happens…"

"It's none of my business, I just had to see if it was true."

"Once.  Or twice.  We're just friends, it didn't interfere with our professional relationship," Ryan said.

"It just worries me a little.  That you have so many…purely sexual relationships.  Maybe I'm too old fashioned…"

"No, you're not.  Summer called me a man-whore…I've been going over it in therapy.  God, do I sound like a yuppie or what?" Ryan sighed.

Sandy laughed.  "Does Caleb know about Gaby?"

"God, that's going to be an uncomfortable conversation."

"You sound good, kid.  But when are you planning on coming home?"

"I don't know."

"But you are coming home?"

"Sandy, I could never leave you guys…"

"You tried once…"

"Sandy, I never meant to hurt you…"

"I know, but I had to ask."

"I'm coming home.  Soon."

"Good to hear.  So, you're at a fashion show?"

"Yeah.  Apparently, it's pretty exclusive."

"Kirsten swears she saw you on E!..."

"Maybe.  Gaby's playing me off as her personal assistant, but I know I'm in the tabloids."

"She's keeping you busy."

"She doesn't let me out of her sight.  I've gained three pounds on her watch."

"Ryan?" Anna appeared beside him.  "You okay?"

"Well, back to reality.  I'll call you tomorrow."

"Have a good night."

Ryan flipped his phone closed.

"What's going on?" Anna asked worried.

"Everything's fine.  I just needed some air."

She put an arm around him as they returned inside.  "You sure?  I mean, this is a little crazy…"

"I'm fine.  Gaby send you?"

"No, she said you were fine, but I was flying blind alone in there.  You're my wingman."

------

Ryan was unsettled after his conversation with Sandy.  He found himself trembling at the afterparty and was nauseous at the sight of food.  He didn't know what had set him off but he couldn't be around people right now.  He had to go.  He leaned over to Gaby and asked if he could cut out.

"You okay?" She asked immediately.

"I feel a little sick, I just want to go crash…"

"I'll take him home," Anna offered.

"You can hang out…" Ryan replied.

"I've seen enough fashion tonight," She said. 

"I'll be home in an hour or so, okay?" Gaby kissed his cheek. 

Anna was worried about Ryan when he didn't say anything on the cab ride home.

"Ryan, are you sure you're okay?" She asked on the elevator. 

"I just need to have quiet for a while," He whispered.

"Can I stay with you?" Anna asked as she watched him struggle with the hotel card key.  Finally, she gently took it from him and opened the door. 

"What the hell's the matter with me…" He muttered, pulling away from her and going into the bathroom.  Anna wasn't sure what to do.  She closed the door and went to the bathroom door.

It opened after several minutes.  Ryan stepped out, looking better.

"You okay?"

"Yeah…sorry about that…" Ryan whispered.

"It's cool.  You want to lie down?" Anna offered.

"I can't sleep…you should go…"

"Seth would kill me if I left you, man.  I don't want you to be alone."

"Okay," Ryan said.

"I'll make you some tea.  Lie down.  Okay?"

Ryan went to the bed and sat down.  Anna found teabags and set the coffeemaker.  When she went back to check on him, he was lying on his side.  His eyes were open but glazed.

"Ryan?" Anna called.

He didn't respond.  Her cell phone buzzed.

"Hello?"

"How's the kid?" Gaby asked.

"Something's wrong.  Should we call his doctor?"

"I'm paging her now.  Is he talking?"

"He won't answer me, Gaby."

"I'm on my way."

Anna finished making the tea and sat down beside Ryan. 

"Sit up, Ryan.  Come on.  It's okay," She urged.  He obediently sat up.  She put her arm around his trembling shoulders.  "You want to talk?"

"No…there are no words…" He murmured distantly.

"Drink some tea, Ryan, and just relax."

"No tea…" His trembling intensified and he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

Gaby rushed in.  "Oh honey, what's wrong?"

"He's getting worse, Gaby," Anna said.

His breathing became rapid and shallow. 

Gaby kneeled in front of him and pulled on his arms.  "Honey, I need you to look at me…"

His eyes were unfocused and blank.

"Ryan?  Talk to me…" She urged.

He shook his head slightly.

"Lenora's coming…" Gaby said.  "Dr. Harrison?"

"No…I'm okay…" He murmured. 

"No, honey, you're not…look at me…" Gaby couldn't get him to meet her gaze.

"I'll go get the door," Anna said when she heard the knock.  She returned with the doctor who ushered Anna and Gaby out of the room.

"God…I've never seen him like that," Gaby said.  "I need a drink."

"God, me, too," Anna muttered.

Gaby sat down.  "I can't drink, though."

"Cigarette?" Anna offered. 

"Yeah.  Thanks." There was a short silence while they lit their cigarettes. 

"Does this happen a lot?" Anna asked.

"I don't know.  I've never actually spent a lot of face time with the kid," Gaby admitted.  "I mean, we hung out a couple of days when I was with Caleb and only once in person after that.  I was in this clinic in Newport…"

"Clinic?"

"For anorexia.  Alcoholism.  Depression," Gaby sighed.

"You chose Newport because…"

"Because he said he'd help me.  He came to see me every day.  It was after his accident and he was so…physically broken and I was just mentally shattered…and we helped each other get better."

Anna smiled.  "That's really sweet."

"He's, like, family to me."

"You're in love with him, aren't you?"

"Probably," Gaby smiled.  "But I'd never waste our friendship on a fling.  My relationship history is a train wreck and I'd never do that to him.  To us.  Besides, he loves that girl."

"Marissa?"

"Hell no, I'd like to choke that little bitch.  Summer."

Anna grinned.  "Yeah?"

"What's her story?  Should I trust her with him?" Gaby asked seriously.

"Yeah.  I think so."

Dr. Harrison stepped out.

"How is he?  What happened?" Gaby asked.

"I'm not sure.  He seems to be confused about where he is, I think he's having some sort of anxiety attack.  He's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and something must have triggered an episode."

"What do we do?"

"I've given him something to calm him down.  His breathing was irregular and he needs to relax…"

"He tried the drugs, Lenora, he doesn't want that," Gaby said quietly. 

"We've discussed it, Gaby.  Ryan and I have discussed it at length.  Some of his episodes have been very serious.  This one is serious," Dr. Harrison said.

"I'm going to stay with him.  Anna, will you call his folks?" Gaby asked.

"Sure.

----

Anna dialed the Cohens but there was no answer.  She dialed Seth next. 

"Hello?"

"Seth?  It's Anna…"

"Hey.  How'd you find out?"

"Find out what?  I'm calling about Ryan…" Anna was confused.

"What?  Hang on…" Seth's voice was distant.  After a short pause, he returned to the phone with better reception.  "What's going on?"

"Ryan's sort of freaked out…we called his doctor and she had to give him something…he just shut down…"

"When?" Seth asked.

"About midnight, Seth, it was so sudden…he was like, fine, and then…"

"Marissa's dead," Seth said quietly.  "She had some sort of aneurysm…we're all over at Jimmy's…"

"Oh god, when?"

"Considering the time zones…probably about the time Ryan freaked out.  Is he okay?"

"The doctor said it was some sort of panic attack that came from his PTSD."

"Damn…Caleb and Luke got on the jet a few minutes ago on their way to get him…are you still with him?"

"Gaby's staying with him.  She told me to call his family so you guys would know."

"I'll let you talk to Dad…"

Anna sat down and lit another cigarette while she waited for Sandy.

"Anna?  What's wrong?"

"He's fine, Mr. Cohen, but he's having a rough time…"

"What happened?"

"We were at the party, and he was fine.  Then he told Gaby that he didn't feel well…he'd started shaking so I came back to the penthouse with him…he just kept shaking worse and worse until he wouldn't answer me…his doctor came and gave him something, she says that he's having some kind of panic attack but she doesn't know why…"

"Can I talk to him?" Sandy asked.

"He isn't really talking, he's just…upset."

"I need to try."

Anna went to the door and gently pushed open the door.  Ryan was stretched out on his side and Gaby was rubbing his back.  His eyes were open and still unfocused.

"Gaby?  I have Sandy on the phone for him…" Anna said quietly.

"Ryan?  Can you talk to Sandy for a minute?" Gaby asked, shaking him gently. 

"No…" He whispered.

"You need to talk to him," Gaby urged.  She held the phone out and Ryan slowly took it from her.

"Hello…"

"Ryan.  I want you to tell me what happened…"

"Nothing happened…"

"Come on, kid…just talk to me…you can tell me anything, you know that, right?  What's wrong?"

"Nothing…"

"Ryan, please…talk to me…"

"Something's wrong…I can feel it…something's happened and…and I don't know what's wrong with me.." He murmured.

"Ryan, I want you to relax, okay?  Tell me what's going on…"

Ryan sat up slowly.  He blinked.  "Sandy?"

"Hey, kid.  You okay?" He was relieved. 

"I…I guess I spaced out a little…" Ryan admitted.  Gaby put her arm around him, glad to see him lucid.

"What happened?"

"I just…got this feeling…like something's wrong…I couldn't breathe…"

"Ryan, something has happened.  Caleb and Luke are flying out to get you…"

"What happened?"

"I want you to rest.  They'll tell you all about it when they get there.  They're already on the way."

"Sandy…"

"I want you to relax, okay?  Can you do that?"

He sighed.  "Yeah…I'm better...thanks…"

"I'll call you back in half an hour to check on you.  If you need anything, you call, okay?"

"Okay…"

"Relax, okay?"

"Okay."

"Let me talk to Anna again, kid."

Ryan handed the phone back to Anna.

"Anna?"

"It's me."

"Where are you guys?"

Anna gave him an address. 

"Caleb and Luke should be there tomorrow.  I'm going to call him back in about half an hour."

"Thanks, Sandy."

------


	19. Nineteen

Anna left after Ryan finally fell asleep.  Gaby cradled him across her lap on the bed.  He hadn't said much since hanging up with Sandy but Gaby had been grateful for his lucidity before he had fallen asleep.

She woke up to the sound of his voice crying out.  "Stop…I'm sorry…please…" Ryan said, desperate in his sleep.

"Wake up, Ryan…Ryan?"

He woke up breathless and Gaby pulled him into a hug.

"You okay?"

"Thanks…"He got up abruptly and went into the bathroom.  She went into the main room once the shower came on and ordered breakfast. 

"Can you prepare me, Gaby?  For what's going on?" Ryan asked, walking in with wet hair.

"Ryan…"

"Just tell me.  I mean, I can call home but I'd rather not…"

"Sit down."

"I'm okay now.  Tell me.  Before I'm out of my head again."

"I don't want to upset you.  Not when you're calm…"

"I'm upset regardless," He said quietly.  "But the whole reason I'm here is so I can learn how to handle life…and all the shit that comes with it…please, Gaby…"

"Are you hungry?" Gaby changed the subject.

"No." He sat down and lit a cigarette.

"Coffee?"

"No."

"Marissa's dead."

Ryan sighed heavily. 

"I'm sorry," She sat down beside him on the couch.  "Say something."

"What happened?"

"It was fast…she didn't suffer…an aneurysm."

"Damn."

Gaby was watching him worriedly.

"You know…she's been through so much…just to be able to talk, to be okay and…she just died.  Like, what was the past year for?  All that pain and suffering…" He muttered. 

"Ryan."

"I'm okay, Gaby.  It just really sucks."

She was watching him.

"I'm okay.  Thanks for telling me."

"Please don't freak out."

He smiled sadly at her.  "I swear, I'm okay.  I think last night…was just a little too many people and…after talking to Sandy, I felt really guilty for walking away from them.  I think I made them worry more."

"Oh, Ryan, they understand…"

"I know…you know that Caleb's coming, right?"

Gaby grinned.  "Yeah.  Time to face the music."

"It'll be okay, I think.  Maybe," Ryan smiled.

"Well, he's coming all this way to get you…maybe he's soft now."

"Bad image."

"Sorry," She laughed.

"Besides, didn't you just walk out on him?" Ryan asked.

"I left a note."

"And what did it say, Gaby?"

"Peace, I'm out…" She whispered.  "I just had to go…"

"I know, I'm teasing."

"Ryan…are you sure you're ready to go home?"

"Yes."

"I want to come with you."

"You have a job, Gaby.  You have responsibilities," He said, surprised.

"But you…you're the only family I have, kid, and if you need me…"

"I won't let you postpone your life for me, Gaby," He said slowly.  "I'm okay.  Thanks to you, and all this, I'm okay.  I'll be around people that care about me.  You know…you've done so much for me these last few days…"

"You'd do the same for me…" She murmured.

"I have something to show you, Gaby." He disappeared for a moment.  He returned with his laptop.

"What's this?"

"I wanted to wait, but since I'm leaving soon, I wanted to show you the plans we discussed for your house."

"Wow…it's beautiful…I mean, for a set of plans on a screen…it's actually doable?" Gaby asked, looking at the screen in awe.

"There's a few kinks.  Like where you're going to build it."

"I figure if I give you a couple more years, you'll be running the Newport Group and you can give me some beachfront…" She smiled.  "It's awesome, Ryan."

"I'm glad I could do something for you."

She embraced him and kissed his forehead.  "I should've grabbed you when I had the chance…you're a prince among men…"

"Now who's going soft?" Ryan teased.

"Breakfast," Gaby said as there was a knock on the door.

"Ugh."

"If I have to eat, so do you."

"I'm going to call home a second…"

"Okay.  I'll give you a few minutes."

Ryan flipped out his phone and dialed.

"Hello?" Summer answered.

"Hey."

"Ryan."

"You okay?"

"Are you?"

"Yeah."

"Who told you?"

"Gaby."

"Do you know why I haven't gone to see her since I've been back?"

"No, Summer.  I mean, I remember Marissa saying some totally mean things about you before the accident, but she said awful things about everyone…."

"I was her best friend for over 10 years, we met in first grade...and the things she said to me after Seth broke up with me…they were too awful for me to forgive.  I didn't leave Newport because of Seth.  I left because of her."

"Oh, Summer…I'm so sorry…"

"No, don't be.  I talked to Jimmy about it last night…it's so awful for him…you and I, we knew how she was, what kind of person she was but he just found out.  I mean, he loved her and suddenly he got hit with this realization that makes him question everything and before he comes to terms with it she dies…"

"It sucks, Summer…"

"Yeah."

There's a short pause. 

"I'm sorry I didn't call.  I upset you and I was being so stupid…we are friends and we will always be friends first…"

"Really?"

"Yeah.  You needed me and I wasn't there.  I'm sorry.  I had a lust blackout…"

"What?" He laughed.

"Yeah, they're akin to rage blackouts.  But I'm better now."

"I'm glad."

"Caleb and Luke should be there soon."

"Really?  I better go pack."

"You okay?"

"Yeah.  I think so.  I'm taking it, like, an hour at a time."

"Ryan?  Lenora's here.  She wants to talk to you before you go," Gaby said quietly.

"I'll see you when you get in," Summer says.

"Bye."

----

Ryan set his bags by the door.  Gaby was smoking a cigarette on the couch.

Ryan sat down beside her and she relaxed against him. 

"Kirsten called me."

"Really?" He asked.

"She invited me to Newport.  Said it might be good if I came back with you."

"I can't ask you to do that, I'm fine.  Didn't we talk about this."

"I know, and you didn't ask.  I want to come.  I've already called my manager.  Family emergency."

"You're going to ride on a plane with Caleb across the country?" Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"Ooh.  True."

Ryan's phone buzzed.  He opened it.  "Hello?"

"Hey, man.  We're here," Luke said.

"Yeah?  I'm ready, we'll leave right now."

"Good.  Caleb sucks at playstation."

Ryan laughed. 

"You're bringing Gaby, right?"

"Yeah.  What's the outlook?"

"Caleb's not mad.  He was surprised, but I think…I think he's impressed, man, it's weird."

"So, it's safe?"

"I'm not saying that," Luke laughed.  "Just come on, it'll be fine."

"On the way." Ryan closed the phone.  "Luke says it's cool.  They're expecting you."

"Hmm.  Well, it should be interesting at least."

"Are you packed?"

"Always."

"Let's go."

----

Ryan was lost at the airport.  Gaby seemed to be in control but now they were outside and he didn't see a plane anywhere.

"Dude!  Over here!" Luke called.

Ryan turned and recognized Luke standing beside a small plane. 

"There it is.  You've never been on a private jet?" Gaby asked him.

"God, no.  I can barely get on a plane at all.  He's going to have to close all those windows."

"Come on, wait 'til you see the inside," Gaby grinned.

Luke gave him a friendly hug when Ryan made it to the jet. 

"Luke, this is Gaby…"

Luke nodded to her.  "Nice to meet you."

"Same," Gaby smiled.

Luke stepped aside so Gaby could go first onto the plane.

"She's so fucking hot…" Luke whispered, stopping Ryan.

"Don't even think about it," Ryan smiled.

"Come on, she's not yours, right?"

"No, but she's…it'd just be weird…"

"Like you and Summer?"

"Hey, I have no control over you or her.  Do your best, dude, but if you hurt her…I'll kick your ass…"

"From the looks of her, I'm the one going to get hurt," Luke smiled.

"True," Ryan nodded.  He walked up the stairs onto the plane.

"There he is.  How are you, Ryan?" Caleb gave him a fatherly hug.

"Hey, Caleb," Ryan said.

"Gabrielle seems to have taken good care of you," He added.

"She's a good friend."

"Glad to hear it," Caleb replied.  Gaby was already seated on one of the plush couches.

"Thanks for coming, Caleb…"

"I just want to take you home.  Where you belong.  Sit down and relax.  We've got a long ride ahead."

"How are you with flying now, man?" Luke questioned.

Ryan pulled out a prescription bottle.  "My shrink gave me some valium." He passed the bottle to Gaby.  "She's my dealer."  She immediately shook out two and gave them to him.

"I'll let the pilot know we're ready," Caleb announced.

"How's the ride on this thing?" Ryan asked.

"It's a little bumpy but it's cool," Luke answered.

"You freak out on planes?  And you flew all this way by yourself?" Gaby asked.

"I just have to stay distracted," Ryan replied.  "Playstation?"

"Sure," Luke grinned.  "Nice to have you back, man."

"You probably won't think so after we're on this plane a while."

"If you get out of hand, I'll just punch you," Luke smiled.

Ryan grinned at Gaby.  "He's not joking."

"Whatever works," She laughed. 

"Okay, we're ready.  Everyone okay?" Caleb asked, returning.

"So far so good," Gaby answered.

----

Several hours later, Ryan is asleep across Gaby's lap while she sat up discussing the plans for her house with Caleb.  Luke was asleep in the back.

"He's very talented," Gaby said quietly.

"I agree.  I'll be very upset if you treat him the same way you treated me," Caleb said.

"Me, too.  You weren't exactly boyfriend of the year," Gaby sighed.  "I had a lot of personal issues back then, Cal."

"We were only for show, Gaby.  I needed a decoration on my arm and you needed a bankroll.  But I'd like to think I've changed.  I put my family first now.  And as difficult as it may be to believe, Ryan's a part of that family," Caleb said.

Gaby stroked Ryan's hair tenderly.  "He's my family, too."

"He's got a girl in Newport that loves him."

"He loves her, too.  We're not together like that," She replied.  "I want him to be happy, Caleb, I've never seen him happy."

The plane started to shake and Ryan murmured in his sleep.

"I'm going to check in with the pilot," Caleb said, getting up.

"Its okay, Ryan…" Gaby whispered as Ryan mumbled again.

Caleb returned.  "We're coming up on some turbulence.  Should we wake the boy?"

"You always call him that?" Gaby smiled.

"Yeah, he always calls me that," Ryan muttered, sitting up.

"It's going to be a little rough," Gaby said.

"Everything's okay, though, right?  Like we don't need parachutes or anything?" He joked nervously.

"Nothing to worry about.  We just need to put on our seatbelts," Caleb replied.

"I'll go tell Luke, so he doesn't fall out of bed," Ryan said.  He went into the back.

"So, what's Luke's story?" Gaby asked.

"He's close with the boy.  They apparently were rivals when Ryan first moved to Newport but they became friends.  He's very intelligent, despite his appearance."

The plane jerked slightly.

"Damn, man, I was having such a nice dream," Luke's voice started from the back.

"Is that why you tried to punch me?" Ryan asked as they reentered.  Ryan sat down beside Gaby.

"Habit, I guess," Luke shrugged.  Everyone fastened their seat belts. 

"The pilot said we should be through it in about ten minutes," Caleb said.

"Stupid turbulence," Luke muttered.

Caleb laughed. 

"Somebody's grumpy," Gaby teased.

"Luke's always grumpy…" Ryan added.

"Fuck you," Luke yawned.

---

"Hey, man.  We're home." Luke shook Ryan awake.

Ryan sat up.  Gaby was asleep, leaning against his shoulder.  He gently shook her.

"God, I'm tired," She yawned.

"Yeah.  What's the plan?"

"I have no idea.  I just spent about 24 hours on a plane so I'm planning on kissing the ground and finding a bed," Luke replied.

"Sounds like a plan.  You been staying at my place?"

"Yeah.  My mom's been insisting that she pay the Cohen's rent since I'm basically living there now.  I moved a bed in," Luke replied. 

"Good, dude.  My breakdown at least got you out of your mom's house, right?" Ryan smiled.  Luke seemed relieved that Ryan wasn't angry.

"Let's go, kids.  Kiki and Sandy are waiting on the street," Caleb said, sticking his head through the opened door.

"Back to reality," Ryan muttered.

"You okay?" Gaby asked.

"Yeah.  It should be good to be home.  I didn't expect these circumstances but…I'm cool.  Let's get out of this flying coffin, okay?" Ryan followed Luke onto the airstrip.

Kirsten embraced Ryan when he appeared on the street.

"It's so good to see you…"

"I missed you guys," He replied honestly.

"And you're okay?"

"I'm okay," Ryan said.  He gave Sandy a reserved hug.  "You guys remember Gaby."

"Nice to see you again," Sandy greeted her.

"You all must be exhausted," Kirsten began.

"Yeah.  Where's Seth?"

"Seth and Summer are helping Jimmy…"

"I should get over there," Ryan said immediately.

"No.  Jimmy already said that he wants you to rest first.  We figured that your apartment is closer so we'd drop you guys there for tonight and we'll see you first thing," Sandy said.

Ryan was surprised that they trusted him to stay at his apartment.

"What did your doctor say?" Kirsten asked him.

"That I'd be fine as long as I take one thing at a time," Ryan replied.  "She's going to make some calls and get me a doctor out here.  I gave her that list of docs you sent me."

Kirsten smiled.  She took his face in her hands.  "You do look better.  100 percent better, kid."

Ryan pulled her aside after a beat.  "What happened?"

"She had…"

"Was she awake?  Was Jimmy with her?" Ryan asked. 

"She was asleep.  A nurse found her.  She went quietly, Ryan.  There was no way they could have predicted it or prevented it.  It was just her time to go," Kirsten said.

"I need to see Jimmy…"

"No.  You need to rest.  He's fine.  If I let you go over there, you're both going to get upset and it won't help anyone.  We'll take you home and I'll let him know that you're here for him.  If he needs you or has a desperate urge to see you, he'll call, okay?"

Ryan was hesitant. 

"Ryan.  Come on, kid.  You need to get some sleep before you face him," Sandy said quietly, approaching.

"Okay.  Sleep.  But you'll tell him that I'm back, right?"

"Of course, honey.  Let's go."

-----


	20. Twenty

"So this is Ryan's infamous apartment," Gaby grinned, stepping inside.

"Dude, it's trashed," Ryan said. 

"Sorry.  Seth was supposed to clean this up…" Luke sighed.

""What the hell happened?" Ryan asked.  Pizza boxes and empty soda cans were scattered around the apartment.

"Seth and Trey come by pretty regularly.  We've taught Summer to play cards," Luke replied. 

"Ooh, card sharks.  Ryan taught me once, but he wouldn't teach me his tricks," Gaby grinned.

"Chino never gives away his secrets," Luke agreed.

"That's why they're secrets."

"So.  Where can I crash?" Gaby asked.

"Well, there's my bed or Luke's bed or the couch…" Ryan replied.

"I'm sorry, Luke, but I just don't know you well enough to share your bed just yet," Gaby said.

"There'll be time for that later," Luke grinned.

"Let's go to bed.  You guys can flirt later," Ryan scoffed.

Gaby followed him to his bedroom.  "You okay, kid?"

"Yeah…"

"You're handling all this pretty well…"

Ryan sat down on the bed.  "I'm just remembering how to put my face on."

"Ryan…"

"I'm okay.  Let's get some sleep," Ryan said.  He pulled his shoes off and stretched out on the bed.  Gaby curled up beside him and put her arms around him. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" She whispered.

"Yeah, Gaby.  Thanks."

------------------------------------------------

Ryan slept fitfully for a couple of hours but his dreams were haunted with visions of Marissa Guilt.  He couldn't shake the dreams of her blood on his hands.  How he couldn't love her the way he should have.  How he left her.  How he hated her.

Finally, he silently slipped out of Gaby's arms and walked out into the main room.  It was nice to be home, even though the apartment was more of Luke's home these days.  He went into the bathroom and took a hot shower and got dressed in fresh clothes.  He sat down in the kitchen and lit a cigarette.

He knew that he couldn't have saved Marissa.  He knew.  But he felt like he'd failed.  If she'd gotten well, or at least better, it might have been worth something.  But she was dead and he didn't know how he was supposed to feel.  The only emotion he could identify was guilt. 

"Hey.  Why aren't you sleeping?" Summer stepped in.

He didn't reply, he just held open his arms and she embraced him.

"Can't sleep," He murmured.

"You smell good."

"Thanks.  You, too."

"What's up?" Summer asked, settling into his lap.  Their relationship was still undefined but they automatically needed to be close to each other.

"Tired.  How's Jimmy?" Ryan asked.

"Sleeping when we left.  Seth and I brought Kaitlyn over here to get some rest," Summer said.  "She wanted to see you."

"How is she?"

"She's a strong kid to have made it this long with Julie Cooper."

Seth stepped in with Kaitlyn. 

"Hey, kid," Ryan smiled.  Summer vacated his lap as the young girl embraced him.

"Ryan…I missed you…" She said.

"You've grown, like, a foot since I've seen you!" Ryan grinned.

"Shut up," She laughed.

"How're you doing?" Ryan asked.  Seth and Summer gave them some privacy. 

"I'm okay," She answered.  She was a mini mirror image of Marissa but Ryan considered her a little sister.  She called him about once a week to talk and check on her father.  "Daddy's pretty upset but I think it's mainly because of Mom."

"How are you?"

"She was my sister and I loved her…but she's been gone a long time," Kaitlyn said quietly.  "Where were you?"

"New York."

"You look awful."

"Thanks," Ryan grinned.

"What were you doing in New York?"

"Hanging out with my friends Gaby and Anna," Ryan answered.  "You'll meet Gaby later…"

"She your girlfriend?" Kaitlyn teased.

"No, I don't have a girlfriend, Kaity…"

"Saving yourself for me?" She grinned.

"Is Kaitlyn trying to pick you up?" Seth smiled, entering. 

"I'm out of his league," Kaitlyn replied.

Ryan started to tickle her and she squealed.  Summer entered and smiled, seeing how good Ryan was with the pre-teen.

"Kaity, we brought you here so you could get some sleep," Seth said.

Kaitlyn stuck her tongue out at him. 

"He's right.  It's going to be a harsh couple of days.  I'll help you get settled," Ryan said.  He cleaned off the couch and gave her a pillow and a blanket. 

Ryan's watch started to beep and he joined Seth and Summer in the kitchen.  "Time to eat."

"What?" Seth asked, confused.

"I'm on a schedule," Ryan replied.  He went to the fridge and opened it. 

"Your watch is set?"

"Yeah.  Gaby's idea," He replied. 

Gaby walked in.  "Time to eat," She yawned.

"See?" Ryan grinned.  "Gaby, this is Summer and you remember Seth."

"Ah, the other woman," Gaby teased. 

"I could say the same thing about you," Summer replied, shaking her hand. 

"We'll have to order something, Luke hasn't kept the fridge stocked," Ryan told Gaby. 

"I'm still wondering about the synchronized eating," Seth smiled, offering Gaby the delivery menus.

"I used to have an eating disorder," Gaby said evenly.  "I never feel like eating, but this way, I make myself.  Ryan won't eat unless you force him so I got him on the same schedule."

"Sounds like a good plan," Seth nodded.

"Except for the whole time zones part," Ryan muttered. 

"I'm going to go home and get some sleep.  I'll see you in a couple of hours, okay?" Seth gave Ryan a friendly hug. 

"Yeah.  Thanks, man."

Summer hesitated, clearly not wanting to leave. 

"Why don't you go catch a couple of hours in my bed, Summer?  Gaby and I will be fine here," Ryan said.   Gaby shoved him.  "What?"

"Go talk to her.  Maybe she can get you to sleep.  I'll order the food."

"You don't even know the address," Ryan protested. 

"I'll deal.  You, go," Gaby scolded.  "I know what you like and you can pay when it gets here."

"I like her," Summer smiled as she took Ryan's arm and pulled him into his bedroom. 

"Yeah.  You haven't tried to scratch her eyes out yet," Ryan replied. 

"I told you I was sorry…I'm so damned glad to see you that I don't care who she is…I do wonder if you have any unattractive friends, though," Summer teased as she sat down on his bed. 

"Gaby is a friend…"

"I know, I'm teasing," She smiled as he settled beside her.  "Tired?"

"Can't really sleep."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Will you lie down with me, at least?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah.  I will."

She stretched out and he put his arms around her. 

"There's nothing you could've done if you had been here.  She went fast…she didn't suffer…"

"I know, Summer."

"And if you hadn't tried to help her, she would have never been able to come back from the accident, she would have never been able to talk to her father…"

"Then he would have never had to find out what kind of person she was," He whispered.  

"Ryan…"

"It sucks, Summer."

"I know."

"I should've been here."

"Would you have been able to handle it?  I mean…"

"I don't know.  I should've been here for Jimmy, for you…"

"We're fine, Ryan.  I'm glad you're back.  I'm glad you're better…"

"I needed to get away.  I needed to have a little space.  But I missed the hell out of everyone," Ryan admitted.

"We missed you, too.  Seth's been bouncing off the walls with worry.  And he's been hanging out with Luke, which is just totally weird."

Ryan smiled.  "Get some sleep, Summer.  I'm not going anywhere."

"You better not.  You can go eat, Ry.  Maybe you can lie down with me after you eat."

"Deal," Ryan said.  He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. 

"Aww.  Thanks," She laughed. 

Ryan left her alone and returned to the kitchen.  Gaby was  by the door, talking to Ryan's neighbor. 

"What's up?"

"Your friend accidentally got your food delivered to my house.  But at least I got a free autograph," The younger man told Ryan.

"Sorry about that," Ryan laughed. 

"Thanks for bringing it over, Dan," Gaby smiled, flushed with embarrassment. 

"No problem.  Nice to meet you, Gabrielle."

Ryan closed the door.  "Making friends already?"

"Maybe," Gaby laughed, carrying the food to the table. 

"So, what's on the menu?" Ryan asked, sitting down across from him. 

"Chinese.  Orange chicken for you, hot and spicy like you like it and sesame chicken for me.  Rice and lo mien on the side and won ton soup for later."

"Good call."


	21. Twenty One

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Ryan and Gaby were still nibbling on the cold Chinese food when Seth returned with his parents a few hours later.  Kirsten and Sandy sat down at the table while Seth went to wake Summer, Luke and Kaitlyn. 

"So.  What's on the schedule for today?" Ryan asked.

"Jimmy's expecting us.  I might as well let you know that Julie's there, too, in all her glory," Sandy muttered.

"Who's Julie?" Gaby asked.

"Marissa's mother, the bitch queen of Newport," Kirsten said.

Ryan and Sandy glanced at her in surprise. 

"Well, she is," Kirsten shrugged. 

"How's your armor?" Sandy asked Ryan pointedly. 

"She's on the warpath?" Ryan replied.

"Oh yeah, Mom's definitely out for you," Kaitlyn said, walking in with Seth and Summer.  "But don't worry, Dad and I have your back."

"I don't want you going against your mother's wishes, Kaity.  I don't want you to fight with her about me," Ryan said.

"Don't worry.  It's not like she listens to me anyway," Kaitlyn replied.  "But she doesn't get a say in my life anymore."

"What are you talking about?" Kirsten asked. 

"I'm moving in with Dad.  We've been plotting it for months now but we didn't get final approval until about a week ago.  Before all this happened.  So she's not even an issue anymore.  And I get to come home," Kaitlyn smiled. 

"That's great, Jimmy must be thrilled!" Sandy grinned. 

"Yeah.  Pretty much," Kaitlyn replied.  "But Mom is pretty pissed off.  It's like I'm a prize and she's pissed off that she doesn't get to show me off..."

"Kaity…" Ryan started.

"You know how mom is.  I'm over it," She smiled, perching on Ryan's lap.

"You all ready?" He asked. 

"Sure.  I'm sure Dad's pulling his hair out by now," She replied.

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Jimmy's house was packed with Newport well-wishers and distant relatives.  Summer had tried to stick with Ryan but several of the girls that went to Harbor with her had pulled her off Ryan's arm.  He was wading through the mass of people with Gaby holding tight to his belt loops. 

"You need to get some air," She whispered in his ear when they finally reached the kitchen.  Ryan realized that she was right because he hadn't taken a breath since he walked into the house. 

Gaby didn't wait for him to respond, she met Kirsten's gaze across the room and nodded to the door.  She pulled Ryan out onto the patio. 

"Okay, kid.  Let's take a breather," She said as she straightened his dress shirt and ran her hands down his shoulder to try and get him to relax.

"Breathe…yeah…that's a new concept…" Ryan whispered. 

"You knew this was going to be hard, kid…are you sure you want to do this?" Gaby asked. 

"I have to…" He replied.  Kirsten appeared behind him and put an arm around him.

"You okay?"

"There are a lot of people here…" Ryan whispered.

"Can't face the people that know what you did to my daughter?" Julie Cooper's voice startled them all.  Ryan tensed up immediately. 

"Mrs. Cooper," Ryan nodded as he turned to face her. 

"I'd like a moment alone with Ryan."

"Hell no," Gaby snapped immediately.  Kirsten put her hand on the model's arm to calm her. 

"Julie, what would you possibly have to say to Ryan that we can't hear?" Kirsten asked sweetly.

"It's okay," Ryan said.  Kirsten and Gaby glanced at each other.  "Really.  I'll be right in."

Ryan appreciated Gaby's courtesy squeeze as she followed Kirsten into the house.

"I heard the guilt finally got to you."

"Guilt?" Ryan questioned.  Julie stood beside Ryan and kept her voice quiet so only he could hear her. 

"You killed my daughter.  You broke her down, drove her to drink and then tortured her for months while she couldn't even talk until she was finally too weak to fight you.  Jimmy said you tried to kill yourself.  You couldn't live with what you did to Marissa…" Julie hissed.

Ryan didn't react as Julie leaned in closer.

"You'll pay for how you treated my daughter.  You might not pay while you're on this earth but you'll pay…" Julie continued.

"When's the last time you even saw Marissa?" Ryan whispered. 

Julie slapped him across the face and Ryan was clearly startled.  "Don't you dare talk to me about my daughter!  You didn't know her, you only wanted to ruin her life…"

Ryan caught her by the wrist before she could hit him again.  He released her and stepped back.  She immediately took a step toward him.

"You shouldn't be here…you should try harder next time to kill yourself…" Julie snapped.  "This is all your fault…"

"Julie, if you say one more word, I'll have you physically removed from my property." Jimmy's voice startled Julie into silence.  He approached and put his hand on Ryan's shoulder.  "It's good to see you.  Why don't you step inside and I'll be right there?"

Before Ryan could get to the door, Gaby was beside him.

"What did that bitch say to you?" She whispered as she pulled him inside. 

"Gaby…"

"Ryan, are you okay?" Kirsten asked. 

Before he could answer, Seth spun him around.  "Did she get you?"

"Can I get a breath, please?" Ryan said and took a few steps back from his smothering friends.  He turned his back on them and leaned heavily against the counter. 

"Give him some space, guys…" Seth said quietly.  He went to Ryan's side.  "You okay?"

"I need to get out of here…" Ryan said after a short pause.

"Do you want to talk to Jimmy first?" Seth asked, keeping his voice low so only Ryan could here him.  He nodded.  "How about we go upstairs to the game room where it's not so crowded, okay?"

"Thanks…"

"Come on, man," Seth said urging Ryan toward the stairs.  He followed him up the stairs and into Jimmy's rec room. 

Ryan was shaking by the time he sat down.  He ignored Seth and lowered his head to his hands. 

"Dude…do you need anything?"

"I need a stiff drink and a cigarette…" He muttered.

"Well, you can't drink and Jimmy doesn't let you smoke in here, so is there anything else?" Seth offered. 

Ryan took a deep breath and tried to get his emotions in check.  It'd been a long time since he put any weight in what Julie fucking Cooper said to him but he had been unprepared for her assault.  She was right…

"She's wrong, you know.  Julie Cooper wouldn't know love if it bit her on the ass," Seth said suddenly.  Ryan glanced up at him.  "She abandoned Marissa as soon as she went into the hospital.  She might have said that it was too hard for her to see her, but it's because Marissa couldn't be her little accessory anymore.  She flaunted Marissa like little miss Newport and as soon as the girl had a few flaws, she dumped her on Jimmy.  You did more for Marissa than anyone could have ever asked you to.  You cared about her, you took care of her, you stood by her when no one else did.  None of this was your fault."

Ryan was listening but his friend's words did nothing for the growing guilt in his stomach.  He'd failed again. 

"Hey, guys.  What's going on up here?" Summer stepped into the room, timidly. 

"Nothing.  Ryan ran into Julie…" Seth said quietly. 

Summer's eyes narrowed immediately.  She turned and left in a rush.

"That can't be good," Seth realized.

"You better go after her.  I'll be down in a few minutes."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Seth hesitated. 

"I just need a minute."

Seth accepted it and stood up.  "I'll be back to check on you in a few minutes, okay?"

"Thanks, Seth."  Ryan was surprised by his friend's support.  He knew that Seth regretted what had happened between them and that he didn't care about Marissa the way that Ryan did, but it meant a lot that he would stand by him.  He needed his family.  And Seth was his brother. 

Ryan returned his face to his hands and didn't look up as the door closed. 

"Hey, kid." Jimmy sat down across from him.  "This is pretty awful."

"Yeah.  I'm sorry that I wasn't here…"

"I'm not sorry that you weren't here.  There was nothing you could have done.  There was nothing left to be done," Jimmy said quietly.  "I wouldn't have been able to make it through this without you, kid.  I lost Marissa…I lost her a long time ago, Ryan and if it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have had these last few months with her."

"Jimmy…"

"You're like a son to me, Ryan.  I feel like I lost Marissa…but it was all worth it because I met you.  I don't want this to destroy you," Jimmy said urgently, leaning forward.  "I don't want this to destroy you, Ryan.  This isn't your fault, you've done so much, you've come so far and to have Marissa drag you down like…like this…"

"Jimmy…" Ryan started again. 

"Kaitlyn's coming to live with me.  I plan on moving on with my life and not making the same mistakes with her that I made with Marissa…"

"That's great, Jimmy," Ryan said quietly. 

"I'm glad you're here."

"I wish I could stay," Ryan said after a pause.  "But this…I don't think I can be here…not with all these people."

"I'm sorry about Julie…" Jimmy started, standing up.  "She's a…"

"She's getting a beating, you better get down here, Jimmy," Sandy's voice startled them both.  Ryan followed Jimmy down the stairs where Kirsten and Hailey were trying to pull Summer and Gaby off a struggling Julie Cooper. 

"You bitch!" Gaby hissed as Ryan picked her up by the waist and pulled her outside.  Jimmy pulled a struggling Summer out to join them. 

"Ryan, I'm so sorry, but that woman…" Gaby started. 

"She's not a woman," Summer snapped, still angry. 

"Let's get the hell out of here before someone gets hurt…" Ryan said.

Summer held up a fistful of red hair.  "Heh, too late for that," She grinned. 


	22. Twenty Two

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Summer was in the bathroom at Ryan's apartment trying to cover up the scratches on her face from Julie's clawing nails.  Julie had made a comment in the kitchen and she'd been blinded by her rage and immediately attacked.  She had been surprised that Gaby had chosen the same moment to attack. 

"Nice work there, today.  I've never broken up a funeral before," Gaby muttered, stepping in beside her so they could share the mirror.

"That woman has been giving Ryan hell since the day he moved here," Summer replied.  Gaby held out a bottle of concealer.

"I hate that he's upset…"

"He's upset?"

"Well, he's Ryan," Gaby sighed.  "He never used to get upset and now all it takes is, like, a Don't Walk sign to set him off.  I just wish I had controlled myself a little more.  I should have just slipped some kind of truth serum in her drink so she'd be forced to show how much of a bitch she was or something.  I shouldn't have rushed her at her daughter's funeral."

Summer saw that Gaby was really apologetic.  "Don't worry.  Julie Cooper's got a heart of stone.  Did she look upset to you?  No.  She was just using this 'event' to upset Ryan.  She's just like Marissa…"

"Ah.  You knew Marissa.  I'd almost forgotten.  I'm sorry, Summer."

"Marissa and I haven't been friends for a long time," Summer replied honestly.  "She's the reason I left Newport."

"And now you're back."

"Yeah.  Luke and Ryan have been better friends to me lately than the whole 16 years that I was friends with Marissa."

"Summer…I know you care about Ryan, but…"

"But you care about him, too?" Summer asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah.  I do.  But not the way you're thinking.  I like my hair, thank you," Gaby smirked.  "What I was trying to ask you was, how long are you going to be able to give him space?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was with him in New York when you called.  I know this it's killing you not to be close to him…"

"I am close to him.  Ryan's always been totally up front with me.  He's not ready to be in a relationship…"

"But he loves you.  Isn't that a little contradictory?"

"We're talking about Ryan here.  Where is he, anyway?"

"Talking to his brother in the kitchen."

"Good.  Trey's missed him."

"Is Trey as hot as his little brother?"

"In an ex-con sort of way," Summer smiled. 

"And what's Luke's story?"

"Please don't tell me you've got the hots for Luke…"

"Why not?  He's cute and nice and Ryan trusts him…"

"Luke's just…he's Luke," Summer shrugged.  "And Ryan would kill him if he touched you."

Gaby fluffed her hair a final time.  "Well, the two of them fighting over me would be kind of hot."

"Give them a couple of hours and a couple of drinks and they'll fight over a napkin," Summer laughed.  "The testosterone between them eventually builds up to critical mass."

"And you just let them fight?"

"You think I'm going to stop them?  Seth and I usually just take a couple of steps back and let them go at it.  You'll see."

"I'll see?"

"Yeah.  We're all going to the club tonight to hear Luke play."

"Does Ryan know that?"

"He will as soon as he talks to Trey," Summer grinned. 

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"Dude, that was just…awesome.  Julie Cooper has this gaping bald spot and it's over her ear and there's no way she can cover it up, she's just…bald…" Seth was laughing between every word.

"After you guys left, Kaitlyn got in on the act.  She picked up a fake nail while she was cleaning the kitchen and told all the Newpsies that it was the closest thing to a real body part that Julie had left after all the plastic surgery she'd had," Luke added. 

Luke and Seth were flanking Ryan as they followed Summer and Gaby down the street.  Trey was supposed to meet them at the bar.  He'd started seeing Sylvia while her husband was out of the country on a religious retreat.  Summer and Gaby were both wearing skirts and the men were enjoying the view as they followed a few steps behind. 

Ryan smiled but he didn't say anything.  He was relaxed enough with his friends and grateful for their support but he couldn't find the energy for celebrating tonight.  All he really wanted to do was crawl into bed, pull the covers over his head and lie in the dark for a while.  But that wasn't healthy.

"Dude.  Stop brooding.  Please.  I need to have a good show tonight," Luke said quietly.

"Sorry," He gave Luke a sad smile.  Luke patted him on the back.  He understood. 

"Ry!  There you are!" Trey gave his brother a strong hug, meeting him outside the bar.  "I couldn't believe you got on a plane…"

"Twice, dude, it was awful," Ryan joked.  "Trey, this is my friend Gaby from New York," He introduced.

"Wow.  Nice to meet you," Trey smiled.  He gave Ryan an awestruck glance as Summer and Gaby went inside.  "Damn, man, she's…"

"I've got dibs," Luke said, following the girls into the bar.

"He's right.  He called it at the airport," Ryan shrugged.  "And besides, aren't you and Sylvia…"

"Shh…her husband has friends around here," Trey hushed him as they walked in.  Seth stayed close beside Ryan, watching him silently.  Trey shook his hand. 

"Sorry," Ryan apologized.  Before he could continue talking, he was nearly tackled by Sylvia and a couple of the waitresses that had missed him.  He was immediately swept away into a group of architects from the Newport Group that Seth and Luke had called to invite.  His friends had organized a reunion party for him complete with a welcome back sign stretched across the stage. 

He didn't feel like turning down the many drinks that kept being bought for him.  Ryan knew he wasn't supposed to drink, he knew that Gaby would be the first to kick his ass, but it was easier than explaining to his acquaintances that he was an alcoholic whose friends threw his welcome back party at a bar.  By the time he made his way to his seat for Luke's performance, he was reasonably intoxicated. 

"Hey there," Summer grinned, scooting over to give him room to sit down. 

"Hey," He smiled, putting his arm around her immediately.  Seth was across from them in the booth, his face buried in a blonde woman's neck.  Several empty shot glasses were lined up in front of them.

"What's her name?" Ryan whispered.

"He doesn't know, he doesn't want us to bring it up," Summer replied.  She gave him a curious look.  "Are you drunk?"

"Yeah.  I am."

"Oh.  Okay."

"Maybe.  We'll see," Ryan replied.  She touched his chin and he looked at her.

"You're not doing so well today, kid."

"Don't call me kid, I'm older than you," He laughed. 

"Sorry.  Gaby must be rubbing off on me," She replied. 

"Where is Gaby?"

"She's somewhere with Luke.  Backstage.  Horizontal," Summer rolled her eyes. 

Ryan laughed. 

"Trey's upstairs with Sylvia, he's a little drunk, too.  I guess it's a good day for a relapse all over, right?"

"I'll check on him…" Ryan said.  She held his arm before he could get up. 

"Don't.  He can take care of himself.  That's not what I meant."

"But…"

"Ryan.  Stay."

He nodded.  He lit a cigarette before she could protest.  Seth's lady suddenly keeled over, her head bonking against the table.  Seth didn't react, he was unconscious, too. 

"Tequila.  He never could handle tequila," Ryan acknowledged.

"Ryan?  Can I get you out of here?"

"But Luke…"

"He's got an audience, Ryan.  Come on. You shouldn't be here."

Ryan looked at Summer.  "Summer…"

"Please?"

He nodded.  She took his arm and pulled him out the back door into the alley.  Ryan spun her around and kissed her deeply.  She kissed him back, pulling him against her.  They stood, pressed against the wall of the club for a few long minutes. 

"Ryan…that's not why I took you out of there," She breathed when he released her.  "Let's get you home…"

"I don't want to go home," Ryan muttered as they started walking toward his apartment.

"What?"

"Can we go to your place?"

"Of course," She said immediately and they changed directions.  They walked in silence but Ryan kept his arm around her waist, keeping her close to him.

"We're going to get into trouble," Ryan said as she let him inside. 

"What?"

"For cutting out of the bar without telling anyone," Ryan said quietly. 

"They'll understand…" She said as she started past him.  He pulled her close for another kiss.  "Ryan…" She giggled.

"I really did miss you…"

"I know…"

"Then can we…"

"You're not ready, Chino.  And I'm trying to be your friend…"

"You are…" He kissed her again.

"Ryan…"

He released her and she took his hands, leading him into her bedroom. 

"You need to rest.  I know you're tired of it, I know you're sick of lying around but…" Summer started as he stretched out on the bed.  "But you…"

"I'm not arguing, Summer…" Ryan said, quietly accepting her assistance in pulling off his clothes. 

"You're being entirely too docile today…"

"It's been a long day," Ryan whispered. 

"Let's get some sleep.  I'll let everyone know where you are."

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	23. Twenty Three

_AN: I haven't forgotten about this story. Sorry for the delay in updating, I'm a slacker. Hope this tides over the sparse people that are still interested._ _Still don't own the OC._

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Summer woke up with Ryan's arms around her. He had woken her when he shuddered.

"Ryan?"

"Can I kiss you?" He murmured into her neck.

"What?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"Ryan…"

"Please?"

She rolled over and accepted his lips.

She missed him so much. She'd dreamed about him and worried until she could hardly breathe. And now he was here in her arms. Kissing her.

After several minutes, she turned her face away and pulled him close. "What's all this?"

"I missed you."

"Me, too. But we're friends first. What's going on?"

He sighed and shuddered again. "I'm just…I really need to feel good…even if it's just for a little while…I feel…"

"How do you feel?"

"Like…like…like I did before…like I'm getting sick again…"

She sat up and put her hands on his bare chest to keep him on his back. "Ryan, are you serious?"

"I love you…I love my family…I love my life…but I can't change the way I feel…" He whispered.

"Okay, baby…let's just talk about it, okay?"

"Okay…but…can you call Gaby?"

"Of course…" Summer reached behind her and grabbed her phone off the nightstand. He sat up and leaned forward.

"Yesterday was just an unusually harsh day," Ryan started slowly as Summer dialed Ryan's apartment.

"Every day's not going to be that harsh," Ryan continued. "Julie Cooper's always hated me and just because I got drunk doesn't mean that I can't stay sober, it was just an unusual night, it was an adjustment phase…"

"Luke? Bring Gaby over to my place now…just her…yes, now…" Summer hung up as Ryan continued speaking softly.

"And I can totally handle that Marissa's dead, I can completely get over it…"

"Okay, baby, that's enough…come here…" She pulled him into an embrace. "Just relax…"

"I am so sorry for doing this to you…"

"I made my decisions all on my own. I love you because of who you are…I will always be here for you…"

"Thank you…" He started to cry silently. He cried himself to sleep and she gently placed him on a pillow. She heard Luke in her kitchen calling her name.

She left Ryan and went to the door. "Hey, guys."

"Is he here?" Gaby asked. She was wearing a haphazardly buttoned shirt of Luke's over one of Ryan's wifebeaters.

"He just cried himself to sleep, he asked me to call you…" Summer explained.

"What happened last night?" Luke asked.

"He was drunk and he started to worry about Trey and he was just off-center. He didn't want to go home so we came here…"

"He's okay?" Gaby asked, relieved.

"He's…he said he felt like he was getting sick again. Then he started giving himself this weird pep talk…he scared the hell out of me."

"I'm going to stay with him. Guys…I don't think we should push this Marissa stuff on him," Gaby said.

"We're not pushing anything on him, Gaby. We just want him to be okay," Luke responded.

"Oh, I know," She said apologetically. "What I mean is…"

"I'll call Sandy and Jimmy. Tell them that Ryan's safe but not going anywhere today," Summer nodded.

"Go to him. I'll get you some clothes and some breakfast. Coffee."

"Coffee," Summer and Gaby said in unison.

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Ryan woke up, steadier a few hours later. Gaby and Summer were with him, watching him and sharing a plate of pastries by the window.

"Hey. Feeling better?" Summer asked, going to his side immediately.

"Yeah. I needed to sleep," Ryan nodded.

"Well, if you're up to it, Seth called for you."

"Where is he?"

"He's at your place."

"I should get over there, explain myself," He said, swinging his legs off the bed.

"Just chill out, kid," Gaby said. "Heard you're stretched pretty tight."

"I'm fine."

Summer was staring at him.

"Really, I'm okay…"

"You are not okay…"

"We're doing this again?" He sighed.

"Ryan…" Gaby warned.

"No. We're not doing this again. I'm going to go home. Gaby, can you drive me?"

Gaby gave Summer a helpless look as Ryan walked out of the room.

"What the hell is going on?" Summer asked, looking to her. "I thought…"

"He's moody. He'll be okay. He'll be apologizing in no time. I'm going to take him home and try to get him to talk to me," Gaby said.

"Take care of him, Gaby. Please."

She nodded.

Gaby walked with Ryan out of Summer's apartment building and down the street toward Ryan's apartment. He didn't speak, but he didn't try to pull his arm out of her grasp, either. He was just quiet. She didn't push him. Sometimes, he needed quiet.

"Ryan, thank god, where the hell were you?" Seth asked when they walked in.

"Summer's."

"Oh. Everything okay?" Seth asked.

"Fine." Ryan walked past them and into his bedroom. He slammed the door loudly.

"What's going on?" Seth turned to Gaby.

"He had a long night, he's a little on edge. Just give him some space. Where's Luke?"

"At the gym. He'll be back soon," Seth replied.

"I'm going to take advantage of the shower," She sighed. "I'll be in there if he needs me."

"Okay, Gaby. Your things are in Luke's room, like, your clothes and stuff."

She gave him a smile. "Thanks." She disappeared.

Seth sat down on the couch and flipped open one of Luke's hot rod magazines. He was surprised when he saw Ryan walk out and go into the kitchen.

"Hey, man," Seth nodded, dropping the book immediately.

Ryan gave him a nod as he walked by. Seth followed him into the kitchen.

"What are you looking for, man?" Seth asked after Ryan had opened and closed all the cabinets on the left side of the kitchen.

"Cigarettes."

Seth gave him a curious glance and walked past him toward the refrigerator. He opened it and revealed a half-empty carton of cigarettes.

"Oh. Yeah."

"You said it keeps them fresher," Seth said quietly.

"Thanks." Ryan plucked a pack and turned to retreat back towards his room.

"Dude…" Seth followed him back through the living room and into his bedroom. "What's going on?"

"Stop hounding me, man…" Ryan said, spinning around and staring at him.

"I'm not hounding you, I just want to talk to you," Seth said immediately.

"Get out, Seth, I don't want to talk," Ryan snapped, taking Seth by the arm and shoving him toward the door.

"Dude, stop being a punk and just chill out," Seth retorted, turning and slamming the door closed before facing Ryan again. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What the hell is wrong with me?" Ryan snarled. "You're asking me what the hell is wrong with me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I am because you're totally out of your mind right now…" Seth said, yelling now. Ryan lunged for him and Seth ducked, letting Ryan's fist slam into the wall over him.

"Stop it, Ryan…" Seth said as he wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist and tried to tackle him to the floor to get him away from him.

Seth slammed Ryan against the dresser, knocking off a lamp and all the pictures off the top. Seth was just trying to keep Ryan's hands from punching him and he had a tight grip on his wrists.

"Stop it, Ryan…"

Ryan landed a punch to Seth's jaw, knocking him back several feet. Seth shook his head before charging Ryan.

They slammed onto the bed and then both fell to the floor off the other side in a heap. There was a loud crash but Seth didn't process it because he had Ryan at a disadvantage and was holding him down by his neck and shoulders.

"Stop it! Just stop it!" Seth yelled.

Ryan was still struggling and finally shoved Seth off him and scrambled across the floor to the opposite wall. Seth glanced down at his hands and saw that he had blood on him and he froze. He glanced over and realized that the crash had been Ryan's night table breaking. Glass and blood were in the floor beside the shattered table.

"Ryan? Ryan, wait…" Seth turned to face his friend but Ryan had pulled himself to stand up and was leaning against the far wall.

"Man…"

"What are we even fighting about, man? You're hurt…"

"Since when do you care about me?" Ryan snapped, rage still flashing in his eyes. His arms and hands were sliced from the glass from the table.

"Ryan…I don't know why you're so mad at me, I just want to help you…"

"Fuck you…"

"Ryan…" Seth's jaw was throbbing but the words were what brought tears to his eyes. "Ryan, what…"

"Do you hate me?" Ryan whispered, blood oozing from his sliced arms and hands.

"What?" Seth choked on his tears. He didn't know where this was coming from.

"Do you hate me? Is that why you did it?"

"Ryan…"

"I mean...I love you, I'd do anything for you, you're like, supposed to be my family…but…you slept with her…you knew how much that would hurt me but…you did it anyway…you're supposed to be my family…"

"Ryan…" Seth tried again.

"And it hurt, man…I…I'm just a man…I have feelings but you just ignored me…and I don't know what I did to you to make you need to hurt me like that…"

"Ryan, I'm so sorry…" Someone started to pound on the door. "You didn't do anything, Ryan…I made a mistake…" Seth crawled forward a step and Ryan retreated against the wall, holding his arms around his stomach.

"Everything in my life has sucked…my parents, my entire life..." Ryan said, slumping against the wall. "And when I met you, I saw how enthusiastic you were about life…I just wanted to be your friend…but…but I was nothing to you…Marissa took everything from me…she broke me down and took everything I had…I was nothing again, and I had nothing…I have nothing, Seth…Do you know what that's like?"

"No, Ryan, please, forgive me, give me another chance…" Seth pleaded.

Luke fell into the room as he broke the door down. Gaby and Sandy stepped over him. "Ryan…"

"It's not what it looks like, I fell," Ryan said immediately, his eyes wide with panic. "Just stay back…"

"You're bleeding," Gaby said.

"It's nothing…" He had backed into a corner.

"What's going on?" Sandy asked, trying to stay calm as he took in Ryan's bleeding form and the wrecked room. Seth was still crouched beside the remnants of the table.

"We were fighting…he fell on the glass end table, it was an accident," Seth said, pale.

Gaby ignored Ryan's retreat and reached his side. He started to struggle but she held his wrists. "If you hit me, I'll hit back, kid…"

"Gaby, leave me alone…"

"It doesn't work that way, baby…" She said. She lowered her voice. "Let me get you out of here. You and me, and we can be quiet, okay?"

"Quiet…" He repeated.

"Come on, just us…" She helped him to his feet and led him past Seth to the door.

Luke held out his keys and Gaby took them. "I'll call you in twenty minutes."

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"We're still counting, Ryan, keep counting," Gaby urged. She'd called her agent who'd immediately reserved the penthouse at the Hilton for her. By the time she left Luke's car with the valet, a doctor was waiting for them in the lobby.

Now, she was sitting with Ryan stretched across her lap while the doctor cleaned and stitched his arms. He had his eyes closed and they were counting to help him relax.

"Twenty-one. Twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen." He whispered.

Gaby's phone buzzed and she glanced at it. "It's your doctor, Ryan, it's Gloria."

"Can I talk to her?" He asked immediately.

Gaby pressed the phone to his ear and held it there as he kept his arms still for the doctor.

"He's going to be okay. I'll come back in the morning to check on his stitches but, he's lucky. Page me if anything changes," The doctor said.

"Thank you," Gaby nodded as the woman left.

Ryan was speaking urgently into the phone. "I can't sleep, I can't breathe…I had a fight with my brother and the girl that I love is scared of me and…" He seemed to hold his breath.

"Gaby's with me…I hurt myself, not on purpose, but I got cut up and she got me a doctor…" He said. Gaby lifted him to a sitting position and he shivered, leaning against her for support.

"What are you asking me? Have I thought about it?" Gaby smoothed his hair as he clung to her. "Yes…I just want it to stop hurting so much…"

Gaby's tears dropped onto Ryan's shoulder as he continued to talk to the therapist. She was shaking with him when he held up the phone for her.

"Hello?"

"Don't let him out of your sight. I've calmed him down, but he's definitely on the cusp of another breakdown. I'm flying out…"

"I can't ask you to do that…"

"I have to speak at a conference next week in LA and I'm still on sabbatical, Gaby. I'll call you when I get to the airport."

"I'll have a room paid and waiting for you at the Hilton in Newport."

"Thanks. Call me if you need me. Let me talk to him again."

Gaby passed the phone back to Ryan.

"Okay…one thing at a time…I'm better now…" Ryan listened for a few more moments before hanging up.

"All right, kid, I don't know about you, but I need a cigarette. Outside," Gaby said. She was surprised when he took her hand and held it tightly. "What?"

"I don't want to be alone. I don't trust myself," He whispered.

"I'm here."

"I'd like to talk to Sandy."

"How about, we go outside and smoke and I'll call Sandy. The concierge can let him in. And we need to eat, get on our routine again, okay?"

Ryan nodded slowly. "Okay. Sandy can come for lunch. And Summer knows I'm okay…"

"We'll call her from the balcony. You need air." She kept his hand in hers and led him toward the huge balcony. He stopped her.

"Move that table," He motioned. She opened the sliding glass window and went outside and slid the table back. Ryan proceeded to push the couch toward the doors.

"We paid top dollar, good idea," Gaby helped him move the sofa onto the patio. She took his hand and sat down on the couch. He sat beside her and they stretched out. He lit a cigarette and she pulled out her phone to call Sandy.

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The concierge unlocked the door to Gaby's room and Sandy pushed the overloaded room service tray in, tipping the man generously as he locked the door behind him.

"Gaby?"

"We're outside…"

Sandy pushed the cart onto the balcony. "You guys must be hungry."

"We were hoping you were," Gaby smiled. Ryan was silent wrapped in her arms.

"We should all try to eat something," Sandy said.

"Thanks for coming," Ryan said as he sat up.

"Thanks for calling," Sandy replied.

"I'm a little shaky," Ryan whispered.

"That's understandable. But you're asking for help and that's a start," Sandy said, sitting down on Ryan's free side and pulling the cart close. "Let's get coffee," He said, handing Gaby and Ryan cups. "And sugar…"

Ryan gave him a look.

"I know you take it black, but I know you love a good, sweet cup of coffee with tons of cream," Sandy grinned, pouring creamer into Ryan's cup. Ryan smiled and took a pleased sip.

"Wow. I had no idea," Gaby smiled.

"Black's just simple," Ryan said. He lit a cigarette with a shaking hand. "But this is good coffee."

"So, coffee's served. Let's see the food," She stood up and started uncovering the trays.

"What'd you order?" Ryan asked.

"Two of everything on the lunch menu and appetizer list. So there's no excuse for not seeing anything you like," Gaby replied. She sat down with a plate of shrimp.

Ryan turned to Sandy. He hesitated but finally spoke. "I trust you, Sandy. I always have. I'd lost hope years before I met you…but you changed all that. I am so sorry for being a disappointment…" He said.

Sandy took him by the shoulders. "You trust me?"

Ryan nodded.

"Then trust me when I tell you that you are not a disappointment. I am so proud of you…"

"That's not…"

"It is true…you've come so far…you're such a great man and I'm lucky to even know you…Ryan…you've changed my life…"

"Mine, too…" Ryan whispered.

"And I will do anything and everything to help you through this…"

"You don't think I deserve it?" Ryan murmured, looking at him with desperate eyes.

"No, son…no…you did everything you could to help Marissa, to be a good brother to Trey and Seth, you didn't do anything to deserve this…Are you listening?"

Ryan nodded slowly. He raised the cigarette to his lips.

"You don't need my approval, Ryan. I will love you no matter what you do…you're my son."

"Seth's your son…" Ryan whispered.

"And I love him, too, just as unconditionally as I love you. Just like you love him…" Sandy replied, putting his arm around Ryan's shoulders.

"Will you…will you tell him I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" Ryan said, wiping tears.

"He knows."

Ryan looked at him. "I'm better…thank you."

"Here," Gaby said, holding a shrimp in front of his mouth. He bit into it and nodded. She set the plate on his lap. He nibbled on the shrimp obediently.

"I'm a sucker for calamari," Sandy took a plate and held it out so Ryan could sample it.


	24. Twenty Four

_AN: Mini-update. We're winding down here, folks, almost getting it to a close. Enjoy._

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After they'd eaten, sampling most of the cart, Ryan turned to Sandy again. "I don't want to go to the funeral."

Sandy nodded. "Okay."

"I'll call Jimmy…but you'll go for me?"

"If you want me to."

"I can stay with Gaby and get myself together and…and then maybe I can come to your house and meet everyone after the funeral…"

"Are you sure you're up for that?" Gaby whispered.

"Yeah. I am now. But not the funeral…"

"What if…what if I wanted to stay here with you?" Sandy asked quietly.

Ryan seemed surprised. "You…you'd do that for me?"

Sandy glanced at him. "I'd like to sit with you awhile."

Ryan stared at him for a long moment. "I'd like that."

"I'll call Kirsten and bring us out a stereo. You guys' okay out here?" Gaby asked.

"The sun's nice. Good idea, Gaby," Ryan acknowledged. She went inside, pulling the cart behind her.

"New York was good for you."

"You say that after my most recent freak out?" Ryan laughed.

"Yeah. Because you're being honest with me. I can see how hard you're trying and…I can see how much you're hurting, too. I wish I could fix it…"

"Me, too…I'm so tired of being unhappy…"

"You're trying to break the cycle, kid, you're getting better…"

Ryan sighed. "I'm glad you're here."

"I will always be here for you. Why don't you stretch out?"

Gaby returned with a small CD stereo that she set up on the table. Ryan stretched out on the couch once Gaby sat down. She curled her body around his as he closed his eyes. Sandy had the last cushion to himself once they were settled. Gaby used a handheld remote to change the stereo and she settled on a classic rock station. Led Zeppelin echoed through the air and Ryan settled into sleep.

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Ryan woke up and it was dark. He was covered under a blanket and Sandy was still sitting at the end of the couch, sleeping.

"Hey," Gaby smiled from her seat around the table.

"Hey. What time is it?"

"Late. Listen…Summer's on her way over with Kaitlyn…"

"What's going on?"

"Kaitlyn's worried about you and I couldn't say no…"

He smiled, sitting up. "Thank you."

She sighed, relieved.

"Objection…" Sandy muttered, jolting awake.

Ryan laughed, patting him on the back. "Relax, counselor."

Sandy yawned. "I need to call home…"

"You should go home…" Ryan suggested.

"You want me to leave?"

"Kirsten will worry," Ryan said.

"She's worried about you, too."

Ryan turned to Gaby. "Can Kirsten and Seth come over?"

"Of course. Make the call, Sandy. Ryan, let's go get you cleaned up."

Ryan followed Gaby into the bathroom.

"Strip," Gaby instructed.

"I can bathe myself," Ryan replied, amused.

"I'm not leaving, so, if you're shy…"

Ryan waited until she turned around to face the door. He took off his clothes and put them on the sink before climbing into the shower and closing the clouded glass door.

"That's a good boy," Gaby said once he turned on the shower.

"It's going to get steamy in here," Ryan moaned as he let the hot water soothe his aching back.

"I'm not leaving you. But I must admit, you're a sexy little thing…"

"Gaby…"

"What? I had to peek," She laughed.

Ryan washed his hair and his body before turning off the water. Gaby tossed a towel over and he stepped out. She took a fresh towel and dried him before draping a robe around his shoulders and cinching it with the belt. She took his shoulders and looked at him through the thick steam.

"It's a privilege to have you in my life, Ryan Atwood."

"Gaby?" He questioned, surprised.

"Summer's a lucky bitch, but I know you love me, too…I love you, Ryan…"

"I love you, too…" He replied, accepting her hug.

"You are my best friend, you're like everyone's best friend…but I don't mind sharing because you give your all to everyone…"

"I…"

"Don't say anything. Let's get you dressed and mildly presentable."

"I need to shave…" He protested.

"You look good scruffy," She assured him.

"Scruffy?"

She caressed his chin. "I could eat you alive, baby. Believe me, its fine."

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Kaitlyn was on the balcony when Ryan stepped out, dressed.

"Ryan, you're okay…"

"Yeah, Kaity…" He embraced her.

"You weren't at the service and…and Dad wouldn't tell me anything…"

"I'm okay…"

"I'm so fucking glad…" Kaitlyn sighed, releasing him.

"Me, too," Summer smiled, stepping out.

"Hey," Ryan smiled.

"I had it out with Mom, pretty bad. But she's gone now. She's having my things sent UPS to Dad's," Kaitlyn said. She squeezed his hand. "But I have to go straight home now, I'll see you tomorrow, though, right?"

"I'm sorry I scared you. I'll see you tomorrow," He nodded.

Kaitlyn disappeared into the hotel room.

Summer approached him.

"I'm sorry I scared you, too."

"I'm sorry that I couldn't help you," Summer responded.

He pulled her into his arms. "You did help me. You took me out of that bar. You stayed with me, you…you saved me…"

"You feel better?"

"You make me better. I'm so glad you're here," He whispered into her shoulder.

"I'm glad you're home."

"I think…"

"What?" Summer urged.

"I think that maybe we should stop fighting our instincts," He said slowly.

"What are you talking about?"

"I want you, Summer. I need you. Am I too late?"

She pulled away slightly to look in his eyes. "Are you serious?"

"I wanted to wait until I was…better…but I don't know if I can wait that long…I love you, Summer…"

She silenced him with her lips, kissing him deeply. After a long moment, she released him. "I will be here for you. I will help you however I can. If we're moving too fast…we'll slow down. But you have to talk to me. Okay?"

He nodded. "Okay. But…but you'll…"

"I want to be with you. I love you."

"I love you, too…" He whispered.

She embraced him again. "You're home. We'll deal with everything one day at a time."

"Okay." Ryan pulled away and lit a cigarette.

"What's wrong? You went from loving to broody in, like, less than a minute."

"I got into it with Seth today."

"What do you mean 'into it'?" Summer asked, sitting down on the couch with him.

"I don't even know why I snapped…but I…I would've hurt him…"

"You fought with him? With Seth?"

Ryan nodded.

"Damn, Ryan. I thought you were okay with him…"

"I am, I mean…I thought I was. I just…"

Seth stepped onto the balcony. His left eye was blackened and he was clearly hesitant.

"I'll leave you two alone," Summer said, kissing Ryan and going inside.

"Hey," Seth said quietly.

"Hey."

"So. Things were said. Punches were thrown. I'm not really sure what happened, but…things were said. Can we talk?" Seth asked.

Ryan nodded. Seth tentatively sat down beside him on the couch.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened…"

"You and me both," Seth muttered.

Ryan sighed.

"You're going through a rough time. I want to help you. It's like…you're up and down and I never know what kind of mood you're going to be in. New York…it helped you. Gaby helps you and Summer helps you, shit, even Marissa's little sister helps you. But all I do is upset you…"

"Seth…"

"I want us to be brothers again. If you'll let me…"

"We are brothers…"

Seth turned to face Ryan. "I didn't mean to hurt you. Maybe it's time we talked about what happened…with Marissa."

"Seth…"

"No, I mean…it's in the past, like, it's over. But it's obviously still on your mind, so…I figure I can go put on some padding and we can try to have a civilized conversation," Seth said nervously.

"There's nothing to talk about. You're…"

"Ryan. Come on…" Seth interrupted.

Ryan sighed.

"I didn't do it to hurt you. I don't know why I did it. Because I could, I guess. Marissa…"

"She was sick."

"Yeah. And I was stupid. I…I can't make an excuse for it. I was in a bad place then, a really bad place and when Marissa started talking to me…"

"You were in my room," Ryan whispered.

"I was waiting for you, I wanted to talk to you, I was going to tell you about Marissa, how she had came onto me and then she just showed up…and…God, man…"

Ryan shook his head.

"I am so sorry. I…I was always an only child, Ryan, I'm spoiled, just like all these other Newport trust funders…I guess that I just assumed…" Seth stammered. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking. But Marissa…she knew that it would kill you…that's why she did it…"

"I know. She was always doing things like that…"

"Why…why did you let her manipulate her like that?"

"She…I tried to help her, Seth. I…"

"I know, but she…she fucked you over at every turn, man…"

"So…it's my fault for not walking away from her?" Ryan asked.

"No, man…I just mean…why don't you care about yourself? Why would you let her stomp all over you?"

"Why did I let you?" Ryan asked flatly. Seth flushed.

"Ryan…"

"I'm sorry about my little meltdown."

"You're sorry? Look at my face," Seth smiled nervously. "I know that we have a lot to work through, but I…you're the only brother I have."

"Seth…"

"No, listen. I mean it. So, if you ever want to talk…I'm here."

"I know. Thanks."

"Good. So. No more violence?"

"I'll save it for Luke," Ryan replied.


	25. Twenty FiveFin

_AN: Okay. So this story is finally finished. Thanks for all the readers that stuck with me through this long angsty ride. Hope this satisfies everyone. I love this story and I'm pleasantly surprised as to how it ended up. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it._

* * *

Summer found Ryan on the patio with Seth several minutes after their conversation. Seth was on the phone and Ryan was standing at the railing, smoking a cigarette with a shaky hand.

"Hey. You okay?" She asked, putting her arm around him.

"Sometimes it's hard to tell the good days from the bad. Because they're all bad," He started slowly. "And the fucked up thing is that it's all me. Like, I have an awesome family and best friends anyone could ask for but…it's still bad."

"What can I do?" She asked.

"Can I come home with you tonight?"

"Of course. And we can talk. Or we can just be quiet. Whatever you need," Summer nodded.

"Thanks."

* * *

Summer and Ryan didn't talk, they made love until Summer finally fell asleep in his arms. The next morning, she mumbled, "Ryan?"

"Hmm?"

"What time is it?"

"7:30. You don't have class until 9," He replied.

She rolled over with a smile. "You know my schedule?"

"Yeah. Is that weird?"

"No. It's sweet."

He yawned.

"You get any rest.

"Just thinking."

Summer wasn't sure what he meant. His blue eyes were dim today. She couldn't read him. "It's pretty early for thinking."

"Yeah. I'm going to go get a shower…"

"You want me to come with?"

"My back…"

"Oh, yeah, too hot. I get it. Maybe a massage when you're done?" She asked.

He kissed her, cupping her face. "I'll be back."

Summer drifted into a light doze. After 20 minutes, she realized the she hadn't heard the shower turn on. She got up and put on her robe. Ryan wasn't in the bathroom.

"Ryan?" She searched the apartment, but he was gone. She had her phone in her hand when she saw the Post-it note stuck to the front door.

_I'm sorry. I had to go._

* * *

Ryan was missing for 12 hours when Kirsten started the calling circle. Every ten minutes, a different person would dial Ryan's phone. She was convinced that he would break down and speak to someone.

He'd been gone 24 hours when Seth was sitting with Gaby, Luke and Trey in Gaby's hotel room. Trey's phone rang, breaking the silence. He answered it immediately.

"Hello?"

"Trey?"

Luke noticed Trey's posture change as he tensed up completely.

"Dawn?"

"Yeah."

"What do you want?"

"I know we aren't on the best terms, kid, but…I know that you love Ryan…you always tried to look out for him…"

"What are you raving about, Ma?"

Everyone was paying attention now.

"I'm out."

"Oh. Really?"

"Ry picked me up yesterday…"

"You saw him?" Trey asked.

"Yeah. He's got me set up in this halfway house…it's real nice. And I'm seeing this shrink or something…she's nice. But I'm worried about Ryan. He…he seemed off or something. Like, I know he has a right to be pissed at me, but this seemed different. When he said goodbye…it was like he really meant it."

"Do you know where he is?"

"No. Is everything all right, Trey?"

Trey was stricken by his mother's concern.

"Do you really care?"

"Yeah, kid. I'm messed up but I love my boys. I'm sorry that I didn't show it…but there's time…is Ryan okay?"

"No, Ma," Trey sighed, visibly affected.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Stay clean. Get better."

Dawn was silent. "I'm trying. One day at a time. You'll take good care of Ryan…and if there's anything I can do…"

"Call me if you talk to him."

"Sure."

Trey closed his phone. "He picked up Dawn from jail yesterday.

"What?" Gaby asked.

"She seemed…different. Ryan's got her in this halfway house, trying to stay sober. She said she was worried about him."

"But I thought his mom…she was a bad mom, wasn't she?" Gaby stopped herself when she remembered that Trey and Ryan shared the same mom.

"She wasn't a mom at all. Me and Ry…we took care of ourselves. Ma…she's manipulative…she's cold…but she really sounded different today."

"But Ryan…he was okay when she saw him?" Seth asked.

"She said he was 'off'. She's going to call if she hears from him again," Trey said, still stunned.

"You okay, man?" Luke asked.

"Yeah. That was just weird."

* * *

Jimmy's phone rang the 3rd day of Ryan's disappearance.

"Jimmy Cooper."

"Hey, Jimmy."

"Ryan? Hey, are you all right?"

"Still around…"

"What's going on, kid? Are you all right?"

"I'm off the wagon. I'm at an AA meeting…but they don't really work if you're drunk…"

"Can I come get you?"

"I didn't want to call Sandy…he's done so much for me and I just keep disappointing him…and Summer…"

"I'm glad you called, Ryan, you know that I'm here for you…what can I do?"

"I need to sober up…" Ryan's words were slurred. "I just need a place to crash and I'm tired of hotels…"

"Just tell me where you are, kid…"

"Can you…never mind…"

"What, Ryan? Please…let me help you."

"I…I'll call a cab."

"Ryan. I will help you, I'll come and get you…" Jimmy started, trying to keep his voice level.

"I'll be there in a while."

"Okay. I'll be waiting. Don't leave me hanging, kid."

* * *

Jimmy opened the door before Ryan had a chance to ring the bell. "Come in."

Ryan's hair was flattened against his head from the recent rainshower and he was thin in his jeans and t-shirt.

"You cold?" Jimmy asked.

"Yeah…"

"Go take a shower, I have coffee ready."

Ryan looked at him.

"I haven't called anyone yet, kid. It's just you and me, okay?"

"Thanks."

"I'll put some clothes in the guest room for you."

Ryan took advantage and went to the guest bathroom and took a hot shower.

He'd had a relapse. Another one. But something had changed.

He'd gotten up this morning and started a fifth of Jack Daniels. By noon, he found himself holding the bottle in one hand and a gun in the other. Loaded and ready. He didn't shake.

But he felt something snap inside.

He saw Seth.

He saw Kirsten and Sandy.

He saw Summer.

And he wanted to see them again. He'd messed up but if he didn't try and pull himself out of this spiral, he'd fail. He had to try again.

Trying was something.

He wasn't a quitter, or he never used to be.

He'd lost himself.

But he'd remembered it in a flash. He emptied the bullets, emptied the bottles. He'd attempted a meeting.

Now he was here.

He got dressed in Jimmy's clothes and walked out into the main room.

"Sit. Coffee."

Ryan sat down on the couch and accepted the mug of steaming coffee.

"You want some food?"

"I'm okay, Jimmy." Ryan met his gaze. "I'm really okay."

"Really?"

"I…I don't want to die. I want to keep trying. I'm not running anymore. I'm strong and I have people in my life to help me…and I'm so sorry for not coming to my senses sooner…"

Jimmy listened. "So…"

"I know it's sudden and I don't expect you to believe that I'm miraculously cured… I still need help…but…"

"Ryan. I believe you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Ryan smiled. "So…can I ask you a big favor?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Can I crash? Tomorrow…maybe you can take me home?"

"Definitely. I'm going to call your parents tonight, though."

"That's cool." The Cohens were his parents now.

"And I can't promise that Kaity won't find you, she gets up damned early for a kid her age," Jimmy warned.

"It's cool. Thanks, Jimmy."

"Get some rest, kid."

* * *

Ryan woke up the next morning to find Kaitlyn sitting on his bed with a tray of food.

"You're skinny. Like Lara Flynn Boyle skinny…"

"Liar…" Ryan smiled.

"It's awesome to see you. Dad's been really worried. You okay?"

"Yeah. For now."

"Eat. I have to tell you about this boy I met…"

"A Newpsie?"

"Ew, no," Kaitlyn said, disgusted. "He's from Texas. He's like this unjaded, innocent little hottie with a body like…well, like yours at your peak…"

"Ouch," Ryan laughed.

"Anyway, I really want you to meet him, Dad was all weird and protective…"

"What makes you think I'll be any different?"

"Dad's old. You just pretend to b e in front of everybody," Kaitlyn replied. "Eat. Dad's pacing in the den. Kirsten's called six times already."

Ryan ate enough to satisfy Kaitlyn and then got dressed, joining them in the den.

"Hey. Morning."

"Hey. Kaity says you're fine," Jimmy smiled.

"Yeah."

"Well…I don't want to rush you, but…" Jimmy started.

"I'm ready." He was ready to go home.

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

"What's this I hear about you not going to your own graduation?" Trey walked into Ryan's office.

"I have a meeting in Rome that I can't cancel," Ryan said, not looking up from the blueprints spread in front of him.

"Cal will understand, I'll talk to him," Trey started.

"Cal? It's not even Caleb anymore?" Ryan asked, smiled as he regarded his brother.

"He's teaching me to play golf. I'm going to kick Sandy's ass next weekend."

Trey was the head of the construction branch of the Newport Group. He'd started his own company and Ryan had hired him enough times that the Newport Group had bought him out but put him in charge of the subsidiary. Caleb wanted a family business.

"I have to go to Rome."

"Ryan, you're graduating college…"

"I went to Summer, Seth and Luke's graduation. I even went to Anna's…"

"Which is why you have to go to yours."

"Trey…"

"Give me one good reason why…"

"Summer's coming with me. It's going to be our second honeymoon."

Trey laughed. "You're not even married!"

"So? Her choice, not mine. Her dad's been married eight times now, she's not into marriage. We've been together, what, 4 or 5 years now…"

"You better figure that out before you go on your honeymoon," Trey said.

"And Gaby's in Rome with Luke, he's playing there…I don't need to wear that stupid gown when I can be in Rome."

Trey sighed. "Okay, man. But at least let me take you out to dinner when you get back. Sylvia and the kids would love to see you."

"I was just over yesterday," Ryan said.

"They always love to see you. I have to go. Call me?"

"Yeah, you, too."

When Ryan got home, all the cars were in the driveway. "Seth? Summer?" He called.

"Outside!" Summer replied. He followed her voice into the backyard.

Summer and Seth were both holding spatulas and standing in front of their small grill.

"What's going on?" Ryan asked suspiciously.

"Summer broke the stove again," Seth said immediately, pointing at her accusingly.

"Not until after Seth blew up the microwave," Summer replied, shoving him.

"What is that?" Ryan pointed to the blackened mounds on the grill that the flames were licking.

"Burgers," Seth and Summer said in unison.

"Burgers," Ryan repeated.

"Yeah, from Burger King, we just heated the buns up and…" Seth began.

Ryan turned off the gas and closed the grill's cover. "We're going out."

"But…" Seth stammered.

"Those buns," Ryan started, pointing at the small table.

"Hey, don't knock the buns, they're totally edible…" Summer defended the blackened buns.

They all paused before bursting into laughter.

"Summer's paying," Seth said as they walked into the house.

"Oh no, you broke the microwave first…" Summer snapped, looping her arm around Ryan's waist.

"True, but…"

"Children, hush. We're going out, you won't starve. Now stop arguing," Ryan laughed.


End file.
